Blast from the Past #544: April 6, 2007: Re: TMNT 150 2nd Draft, Re: TMNT 150 2nd Draft and Re: TMNT Show 152 Outline

Subj: Re: TMNT 150 2nd Draft
Date: Friday, April 6, 2007 12:48:43 AM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

notes on Ep. 150 second draft


1.) Re: the following:

"WENDELL'S POV ON SERLING: Serling, still six-inches tall, walks along the sidewalk, hand to head, disoriented.  The Toy Soldier, the same size as Serling, draws near...


CU ON SERLING: collecting his bearings...


SERLING'S POV: The Toy Soldier, looking MASSIVE, is heading straight for him, banging its drum, seemingly on the attack! 


SERLING
<STARTLED SCREAM!>


*TWO SHOT: SERLING AND TOY SOLDIER.  Serling runs away!!"

While this works okay as is, I wonder if it might be more visually interesting and serve as a way to show WHY Serling has such a great appeal to the toy collector Wendell if, instead of screaming and running away, Serling defends himself against the windup toy soldier and maybe even smashes him to pieces (Serling is, after all, a robot capable of may things, INCLUDING being "Turtle X").


2.) Re: the following:

"SERLING (V.O.)
They'll destroy me if I don't do something.  But what?  Blast them to atoms?  And risk altering the future?  I can't."

Can Serling "blast them to atoms"? I mean, does he have a hidden atom blaster we've never seen before?


3.) Re: the following:

"*LEO TOT
C'mon, Raph, give him back -- I wanna play with him!  Gonna have a tea party and everything!"

A "tea party"? Why does Leo want to have a "tea party"?


4.) Re: the following:

"*LEO TOT
Hey, where are you goin'?!"

If this were the teenage versions, I would say "Leo doesn't say "goin'"." But because these are the Turtle Tots, I'll let this one (and a few others in this script) slip by.


5.) Re: the following:

"SERLING (V.O.) 
Ugh, I seem to have short circuited.  Initiating self-diagnostic.  Hm. <EXERTION GRUNTS>


Serling tries to raise his arms - they hover - and collapse.


*SERLING (V.O.)
But nothing else!  I'm helpless!"

Serling's line "But nothing else!" seems a bit odd, or incomplete. "But nothing else" what? What exactly is happening here? Do his arms work, and nothing else? Or can he only briefly raise his arms, and nothing else?


6.) Re: the following:

"*OLD WENDELL (O.S.)
Welcome to Wendell's World -- New York's flag-ship peddler of kiddie-toys.  <LAUGHS> Clap-trap kiddie-toys, compared to you...A shadow falls over Serling."

This must be a mistake, as I doubt "A shadow falls over Serling" is meant to be part of Wendell's dialogue.


7.) Re: the following:


"OLD WENDELL
Quite frankly, I've been waiting to get my hands on you -- all my life!


WIDE ON ROOM TO REVEAL: an elaborate toy making workshop, with conveyor belts, power tools, and raw materials of plastic, steel, nuts and bolts. All meant for the manufacturing of one thing: Serling!


A multitude of monitors display images and schematics of Serling, as if one were attempting to make a Serling of their own.  And all about, we see the results of that effort: SERLING-ESQUE TOYS! Lots and lots of mutated versions Serling, in various shapes and sizes, and in various states of completion but all recognizably him. 


*OLD WENDELL (O.S.)
But at long last, the wait is over! <CACKLES>


ON WENDELL as he activates a terrifying hydraulic POWER DRILL suspended over the metal table.  <BRRR!> Its blade SPINS!


OLD WENDELL
Now, let's see if we can figure out what makes you tick..."

I'm still not loving this bit, but at the very least we need to make it clear that Wendell has spent many years trying to figure out what Serling was and how he worked (and failed), and now that he finally has Serling in his possession, he now has the "real deal" from which he can extract the information he needs to reproduce Serling...


... or does he? It might be interesting, albeit maybe not necessary for the sake of this story, to show that once Wendell actually starts to examine Serling closely, he realizes that the technology that Serling contains is WAY beyond his capacity (after all, Serling was made 100 years in the future).


8.) Re: the following:

"CRANE TO A DOWN SHOT ON MIKEY ON THE FLOOR PIANO: Mikey hops from key to key -- playing the classic five note opening theme to "2001: a space odyssey!" <DAA-DAAA-DAAAA--DA-DA!>  And suddenly, the FLOOR beneath the piano swings open - revealing a SECRET STAIRCASE!  Mikey tumbles down the stairs! "

This is still, for several reasons, as silly as it was in the outline. I really don't see the point of it.


9.) Re: the following:

"*ON MIKEY: pinned to the floor by tons of tiny Bots, crawling up his legs, arms, chest.  Cable wire extends from their finger tips; they're tying Mikey down like Lilliputians in Gulliver's Travels."

WTF?!!! This is ridiculous.


10.) Re: the following:

"Suddenly: <HEAVY, METALLIC SOUNDING FOOTSTEPS> draw near.  The ground SHAKES <BOOM! BOOM!> jostling the Tots as...


WENDELL - inside a SUPER SERLING-ESQUE TOY BOT BATTLE SUIT - slowly emerges from the STAIRWELL to his secret lair.
CUT TO THE TOTS - they <GASP!> CUT TO SERLING (at the water gun) - he <GASPS!>


*DRAMATIC ANGLE ON WENDELL IN BATTLE SUIT - his exposed head sticks out from a domed chest plate.  His left arm capped with a tremendous cork gun; his right with a humongous boxing glove.  And on the soles of his feet, coiled, bouncy springs.  He <SPROINGS!> toward the TOTS – CORK RAISED - and FIRES:"

From this point on, this story just gets worse and worse, going from inanity to inanity. Very disappointing. I like the attempt at a lesson about obsession and possessiveness at the end, but this stuff with the "SUPER SERLING-ESQUE TOY BOT BATTLE SUIT" and the "giant cork gun" (??!!!??!!) is really painful to read.
Also, it is STILL extremely preposterous that none of the Turtles would remember the look of Serling from when they met him as Turtle Tots, but Splinter would. It makes little to no sense. I think this is a classic example of "writing oneself into a corner".


-- Peter

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Subj: Re: TMNT 150 2nd Draft
Date: Friday, April 6, 2007 12:50:11 AM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Just one more thought about this episode: I think with the steup of the toy guy and his secret toy lab and his desire to make great toys, we missing an opportunity to have some somewhat self-referential fun, in this vein: After the fighting with the toy robots is over, and Wendell gives up his obsession with Serling and his plan to make lots of Serling toy duplicates, perhaps one of the Turtles (I'm thinking Mikey) starts feeling bad for Wendell and suggests "Hey -- maybe you could make toys based on US!"... to which Wendell will reply with some of the things that people actually said when Mark Freedman was first trying to sell the TMNT to various companies ("Green doesn't sell!" and so on).


-- Peter

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Subj: Re: TMNT Show 152 Outline
Date: Friday, April 6, 2007 1:21:48 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

notes on Ep. 152 outline


1.) Re: the following:

"At the Pan Galactic Alliance Great Hall, it is an exciting day.  The Peace Conference that Splinter had been helping Bishop with has finally come to fruity."

This is one of those typos/misspellings that got me laughing. "Fruity"? I believe the word is "fruition".


2.) Re: the following:

"At the Mall, Criminals scatter out of the prison ship, breaking things, stealing things, and generally causing a real panic at the mall.  But there’s something up.  Two criminals fall next to shadows.  What’s going on?"

Yes... what is going on? It's not made clear here. Is this Mike striking from the shadows? If so, then why a few lines later do we have this:

"From above the mall –


Michelangelo: “Beware, Evil Doers!  You now face the wrathful wrath of the Turtle Titan!”

3.) It seems pretty odd that we don't see the Turtles and Splinter from the time that they are sucked into the prison ship until the moment when the prison ship is in the river and they escape with Mike's help. What have they been doing in the meantime? If Triple Threat is smart/resourceful enough to find a way to escape from the prison ship, would it not stand to reason that the other three Turtles and Splinter would too?


4.) Where are the Peacekeepers all this time? I would think a prison ship taken over by convicts would get their attention.


5.) I'm not loving OR hating this story, but it is missing something. RIght now, it just feels like a lot of running/jumping/falling down with no real purpose.
It occurs to me that perhaps something interesting might be done with the whole "peace settlement" thing. As Triple Threat's silly "list of evil things to do" never really feels all that threatening (more annoying and "accidentally dangerous"), perhaps the REAL threat here could come from the two sides whose diplomats have been kidnapped. Each side could think that it is a plot by the other, and they could be preparing to mobilize their forces (maybe they have a few warships in Earth orbit) to start fighting, and that's what provides the real motivation for our heroes to straighten things out... and Triple Threat and his gang's slapstick-criminal antics just complicate the matter.


-- Pete

Blast from the Past #543: April 2, 2007: Re: TMNT151 Outline and Re: TMNT 148 ThirdDraft

Subj: Re: TMNT151 Outline
Date: Monday, April 2, 2007 12:56:48 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

notes on Ep. 150 outline "Space Usagi"


1.) Re: the following:

"Cloaked Figure (Darius Dunn): “… for you to fulfill your destinies … the very reason of your existence…”"

Shouldn't that be "for your existence"?


2.) Re: the following:

"Inside, two honorable warriors, Leonardo and Space Usagi, are preparing for a duel overseen by Splinter.  The others are watching and Rhogen is “taking bets on Ears versus Shell-boy.”

The duel begins and Leonardo and Space Usagi match steel."

Just wondering -- should they be dueling with their real swords, or with something like bokken (wooden practice swords)?


3.) Re: the following:

"Space Usagi is a little stunned: “I don’t have any enemies in this dimension.”

A minor point -- but can Space Usagi REALLY be sure he doesn't have any enemies in this dimension? It IS a big dimension, after all. Maybe he could say "any enemies that I know of".


4.) Re: the following:

"Leonardo asks Space Usagi get himself and his crew off the ship.  They’re in harms way!  “These Mech Turtles are after us.  I can’t, in good conscious, allow you guys to get hurt because of us.”"

I think that should be "conscience" instead of "conscious".


5.) Re: the following:

"As the Mech Turtles and Mech-Darius burst into the room, Rhogen decides on a different plan.  “Seeing as we really can’t beat these guys in a fight and since this isn’t my fight anyway, how about we just give the turtles to these guys and call it a day.”


In a stunning turn of events, Rhogen double blasts/shoots Donatello and Michelangelo with his pair of high-tech, funky-looking laser pistols.  Don and Mikey go down hard!"

Just curious -- assuming that Rhogen is a character Stan Sakai created and used in the "Space Usagi" comic, does this action fit his character?


6.) Re: the following:

"We hold on our “dead” heroes for a moment before Mikey starts to twitch.  He gets up all groggy as does Rhogen, Raph and Donatello.  It was a fake out to get momentarily free of the Mech Turtles.  The laser pistols were set on STUN."

Okay, I guess this makes the issue I brought up in point 5 above somewhat moot. However, this "plan" seems more than a little weak, and is predicated on the presumption that if a Turtle looks "dead" (and "dead" in this case would look a lot like "unconscious"), then the Mech Turtles will ignore him and move on. Not sure I buy that.


7.) Re: the name "Space Usagi": It might behoove us to contact Stan and ask him if he has any other way he would like us to refer to this Usagi of the future. Although I have no problem with "Space Usagi", it does have more of a feeling of a descriptive phrase than a real name.
Perhaps one way to use it and not have it sound odd would be to have some more confusion when they first meet Space Usagi -- i.e., he looks exactly like his illustrious ancestor, Miyamoto Usagi, and even shares that same name -- so to keep the two different Usagi's straight, Mike decides (as in this outline) to refer to him as "Space Usagi".


-- Pete

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Subj: Re: TMNT 148 ThirdDraft
Date: Monday, April 2, 2007 1:27:41 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

notes on Ep. 148 third draft


1.) Re: the following:

"UNSEEN BY BIGGLES - ON A TECHNICIAN – at his console as a HAND <PHASES> up through the console, grabs his face and <SLAMS> him into the machine!
BIGGLES
Chaps at the station love that one!
THE OTHER TECHNICIAN – turns to see his man down, but before he can speak, HANDS reach out from the wall and cover his mouth, yanking him through the wall!"

I'm trying to remember if we have ever shown any of the Phantoms or Jammerhead himself displaying this power -- to "phase" other people. I'm also not clear why he takes out one technician by knocking him out and the other by phasing him somewhere. What's the point?


2.) Re: the following:

"JAMMERHEAD
Now, where do you keep the popcorn in this dump, robot..?"

How about "robochump" instead of just "robot"?


3.) Re: the following:

"LEO
Then that’s where we’re headed.  Whatever has caused Biggles to go haywire must’ve started at O’Neil Tech."

I think Leo should say "must have" instead of "must've".


4.) Re: the following:

"*LEO NODS, MIKEY <SHOOTS> HIS chucks—
FOLLOW THE CHUCK AT A DOWNWARD ANGLE where it <LOCKS> onto the O’Neiltech building, just below a VENTILATION GRATE.
ACROSS THE STREET – Mikey LOCKS the other end of the Chucks to the building. Raph scoops Cody onto his back.
The guys run single file and LEAP—FOLLOW THEIR FEET as they land on the CABLE and begin to SLIDE…
**WIDE - THEY SURF down the chuck cable as PK’s patrol beneath, unaware…
EXT. O’NEILTECH - CONTINUOUS
LEO draws his Katanas, <POWERING THEM UP> and at the last second he leaps –
FLASH OF <KATANAS SLICING>!
ANGLE – Leo’s sliced open the GRATE in a perfect circle! Leo leaps through first, followed by Don and Splinter—
INT. O’NEILTECH. VENTILLATION SHAFT - CONTINUOUS
Cody rolls through, followed by RAPH and MIKEY, who grabs the CHUCKS and retracts them just as PKS fly by…"

Just wondering -- how is it that Cody and the Turtles can break into O'Neil Tech so easily? What happened to the security systems? Or does Cody have something on him that allows them to bypass the security?


5.) Re: the following:

"A simple room with a HOLOGRAPHIC HEIGHT CHART in the BG. RAPID SERIES OF MUG SHOTS as… LEO is SCANNED by a lazer… <FLASH!>"

A "lazer" -- is that like a "laser"?


6.) It seems a little odd that Biggles is able to so easily capture and imprison the Turtles, simply by showing up with a bunch of Peacekeepers. Or is there more to their capture than that?


7.) Re: the following:

**BIGGLES
He <zzzzt> can’t do <ZZZZT> lethal that-!"

That's kind of weird.


8.) Re: the following:

"BIGGLES
Jammerhead and his “Street Urchins” or whatever they’re called DID mess about with my programming…"

Odd that Biggles wouldn't know what Jammerhead's minions are called.


-- Pete

Blast from the Past #542: March 21, 2007: Re: Ep 149 Second Draft, March 22, 2007: Re: TMNT 150 OUTLINE, March 27, 2007: Re: Ep 149 Third Draft, and March 28, 2007: Re: TMNT148 First Draft

Subj: Re:   Ep 149 Second Draft
Date: Wednesday, March 21, 2007 4:11:04 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

P. Laird notes on Ep. 149 second draft


1.) Re: the following:

"SHREDDER (CONT’D)
The first order business: revenge!  The turtles must be destroyed!"

Should there be an "of" between "order" and "business"?


2.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO
Uhm, yeah, six hours ago."

Leo doesn't say "yeah".


3.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO
Stockman?"

A small point, but I think it would sound better if Leo said his full name here, i.e. "Baxter Stockman?"


4.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO
When Stockman turns over a new leaf … he turns over a whole tree."

I like this sentiment, but the repetition of "turns over" bothers me a little. How about the following change:


"LEONARDO
When Stockman turns over a new leaf … he uses the whole tree."


5.) Re: the following:

"STOCKMAN
So, you see, President Bishop was as good as his word.  I have a brand new body and chance to start over."

Should there be an "a" between "and" and "chance"?


6.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
Well, I guess it’s time to say good-bye.  It was really nice seeing you … again … like this.  The new Stockman."

Again, I think this would be a good place to use "Baxter Stockman" instead of just "Stockman".


7.) Re: the following:

"*STOCKMAN
Ahh, no!  I forgot!  The Department of Agriculture Ship left an hour ago.  I can’t imagine how I’ll get home now."

The  "I can’t imagine how I’ll get home now" line seems pretty silly -- I mean, how much imagination does it take to imagine waiting for the next shuttle? I would suggest either eliminating that line entirely or replacing it with something like "Now I'll have to wait eight hours for the next shuttle!"


8.) Re: the following:

"*DONATELLO
We’ve been targeted by rockets!
EXT. SPACE – CONT’D
POV – LOOKING DOWN THE TWO ROCKETS as they’re <BURNING> right towards Cody’s Spaceship!
*DONATELLO (O.C. CONT’D)
They’re inbound!"

"They're inbound!" is redundant -- I would eliminate it.


9.) Re: the following:

"ROTATE 180 DEGREES TO REVEAL that he’s actually hanging upside-down.  In fact, WIDEN to show that the four turtles, Stockman and Cody are all hanging upside-down in their seats as they’re all strapped in.  Mikey looks around and at Stockman.
*MICHELANGELO
Aww, shell!  If this is paradise, I want a refund!  Stockman’s here, too!
All a little groggy and slow from the crash, Leonardo and Raphael are the first to unbuckle and tumble to their feet.
*RAPHAEL
Hurts too much to be paradise, Mikey."

When I first read MIke's line about "paradise", I was scratching my head -- why's he talking about a tropical vacation? Then it dawned on me that he was really referring to "heaven"... and I'm not sure we want to go there.
I would eliminate both Mike's and Raph's lines above.


10.) Re: the following:

"*STOCKMAN
Now, now, “Raph” … I’m your friend …"

Maybe it would be funnier here if Stockman said "dude" instead of "Raph", given how earlier Stockman had been saying "dude" to try to fit in with the Turtles. Might be more appropriately pathetic.


-- Pete

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Subj: Re: TMNT 150 OUTLINE
Date: Thursday, March 22, 2007 10:49:37 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

notes on Ep. 150 outline


1.) Re: the following:

" Cody flicks a switch.  The Time Window pulsates with power and – BOOM! – Serling EXPLODES!  Oops."

Having Serling "explode" seems both too extreme/destructive and a little too simple/boring. However, I was inspired by the use of the word "explode" to think of another possible thing which could happen to Serling which could be different AND visually interesting -- the force fields/energy matrix of the Time Window could cause Serling to partially or totally DISASSEMBLE, ending up looking like a classic "exploded diagram"... you know, the ones where all the parts of a gadget are shown in three dimensions and all separated so you can see each one.


2.) Re: the following:

"Don nods, but adds, “There is a theory that time is fluid like a river, with currents, eddies, backwash.  And the same current that swept us here, should sweep you back there.”  Leo asks, “Who came up with that theory?  Einstein?”  “Naw,” says Don, “Mr. Spock.” "

First, Don doesn't say "Naw". Second, the "Mr. Spock" rejoinder sounds a lot more like something which Mike might say -- it sounds weird coming out of the mouth of Don, who takes his science seriously.


3.) There is something a little off about Serling being shrunk down to the size of an action figure, and STILL being sent through the Time Window into the past. I would think that they Turtles would have tried to do something to return Serling to his normal size before they continued the experiment. Therefore, I would suggest that we move the bit where Cody, Don and Serling discuss when and where he might end up in the past to BEFORE he gets shrunken down to action figure size, and that the time traveling happens IMMEDIATELY after Serling gets shrunken, before the Turtles have time to do anything about it.


4.) Re: the following:

" Says Don, “Naw, he’s my new rocket ship test pilot!”"

Don doesn't say "Naw".


5.) Re: the following:

"Says Raph, “Test pilot?  He’s a guest at my tea party!”  Raph throws a tiny dress on Serling and plops him down at a tea party set.  How humiliating!  Leo, Don and Mikey give Raph an incredulous look.  “Uh, tea party?”  Raph snarls at them, all tough and Raphael-like, “Yeah, you got a problem with that?!”  Leo holds up his katana swords, “Yup.  Cuz I’m good use ‘im to sharpen my blades!”

This is truly bizarre, not just for Raph's TOTALLY out of character doll's clothing and  tea party bit, but what the HECK is Leo saying? "I’m good use ‘im to sharpen my blades!” Huh? 
Part of the problem is that whoever wrote this seems to think that is is important in this scene that each Turtle must have a unique desire to use Serling in some different way. I disagree. A simpler course of action -- and one which keeps the Turtles in character -- would be to have Raph grab Serling away from Mike or Don (just to be mean) and then Leo tries to grab Serling away from Raph (to give him back to Mike or Don)... and in the ensuing tug of war, Serling can fly out of their hands and be caught by Splinter.

6.) Re: the following:

" CU ON THE DOOR swinging shut – when suddenly Donatello’s bo staff flies in from O.S. – wedging the door ajar!


We ZIP PAN to an alley across the street, where the Turtle Tots hide in the shadows.  They’ve followed the man here.  “Nice shot,” says Leo to Don.  Don smiles sheepishly, “Thanks, but I was aiming for the old dude.”

That response and attitude is out of character for Don.


7.) Re: the following:

" Mikey sighs and walks off the piano – inadvertently playing three ascending notes on the scale.  And suddenly, the floor beneath the piano swings open – revealing a secret staircase."

That seems like a terribly inefficient way to keep the secret door to your secret room from being opened accidentally... just three notes on the piano? 


8.) Re: the following:

"And just then, Splinter enters.  “Yes, I recognized Serling as your old toy the moment we arrived here.”  Why didn’t he say so?  “It was obvious he hadn’t met us yet.  It is best to let time unfold as it should.”

This brings up a concept which occurred to me earlier, i.e. the question of why none of the Turtles or Splinter recognized Serling as their toy from the past... a pretty sizable plot hole, if you ask me! And Splinter's response here is pretty lame (not to mention it doesn't address AT ALL why the Turtles -- who spent a lot more time with the little Serling "toy" -- didn't recognize him.
One possible solution to this problem might be to somehow alter Serling's look before he gets sent back into the past. Two ways come to mind -- Cody and Don outfit Serling with extra "chroniton-deflecting body armor"... or Cody suggests removing most of Serling's outer body shell, resulting in a "naked robot" look.


9.) The biggest problem with this story, however, is the "Major Mel-Function" character and everything that happens with him and in his toy shop. It's REALLY silly. Painfully silly. Like this bit, among others:

"Major Mel-Function plans to mass produce millions of Serlings – and make billions of dollars in the process! "

Mel has just encountered Serling, doesn't know what he is, what he can do or not do... and yet he somehow has plans to "mass produce millions of Serlings – and make billions of dollars in the process!"?!
And there is some implication that SOMEHOW Mel has seen Serling before... but we are never told how/why. There's a "child's drawing", supposedly "of Serling"... but we aren't told HOW it was drawn or WHERE it came from.
I think this last part of the story needs to be re-thought. Also, let's not forget that -- if it works as part of a cool//fun story -- Serling doesn't HAVE to stay action-figure sized when he is back in the past. It might be useful to have him suddenly revert to his full size at the right moment.


-- Pete

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Subj: Re:   Ep 149 Third Draft
Date: Tuesday, March 27, 2007 11:17:40 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

notes on Ep. 149 third draft


1.) Re: the following:

"**DONATELLO
I’ve got a whole bag full of amazing high-tech goodies.  Wanna see ‘em?"

Donatello doesn't say "wanna". Or "'em".


2.) Re: the following:

"CODY & DONATELLO
(smiling/happy geeks)
Yep!"

Cody might, but Don doesn't say "Yep".


3.) Re: the following:

"**EXT. BARREN PLAIN - LARGE ASTEROID – CONT’D
The burning fireball comes down hard for huge <CRASH> as the back part of the ship <BREAKS> off … tumbles once … and then <EXPLODES> in a huge ball of fuel-fire and then goes out.  The front half of the ship, battered and blackened rolls once to a stop upside-down.
PUSH IN ON – THE WRECKAGE of half of Cody’s ship sits upside-down.
*INT. BRIDGE/COCKPIT – CODY’S SHIP – CONT’D
CLOSE ON – MICHELANGELO’S FACE as his eyes open … <Blink-blink>.
ROTATE 180 DEGREES TO REVEAL that he’s actually hanging upside-down.  In fact, WIDEN to show that the four turtles, Stockman and Cody are all hanging upside-down in their seats as they’re all strapped in.
**MICHELANGELO
(dripping sarcasm)
Well, that was “green-tastic!”
All a little groggy and slow from the crash, Leonardo and Raphael are the first to unbuckle and tumble to their feet.**
**LEONARDO
I don’t want to sound ungrateful, but how did we survive that?
*Cody flips down and lands on his feet with a smile.  Donatello is down and pulls something out of his pocket… Donatello is holding the DEVICE up in the center of the cockpit.
*CODY
Upgrades.  Donatello and I reinforced the cockpit with a mixture of Titanium and Donatellium."

Not to be too picky, but... while I think the "reinforced... with a mixture of Titanium and Donatellium" bit is a good idea, I would like to see some reference to the way that they survived the tremendous forces exerted on their bodies by the crashing and bouncing. On "Star Trek", they use the "inertial dampers" to keep everybody from being smashed into jelly when their ships make sudden turns or stops. Maybe we could use something like that.


4.) Re: the following:

"*DONATELLO
Let’s try to move as quickly as possible.  We only have so much air in these suits."

"We only have so much air" sounds somehow too vague. How about "We don't have much air in these suits" or "we only have a couple of hours of air in these suits"?


5.) Re: the following:

"*STOCKMAN
Doubtful.  If years of working for the Shredder has taught me anything, it’s how ruthless and persistent he was."

I think "is" would be more appropriate than "was".


6.) Re: the following:

"*LEONARDO
We’re trapped in this canyon.  Let’s at least keep moving and see where this comes out."

Leo's two lines here seem a bit at odds. Are they "trapped", or can they "keep moving"? I would eliminate the "trapped" line.


-- Pete

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Subj: Re: TMNT148 First Draft
Date: Wednesday, March 28, 2007 2:16:09 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

comments on Ep. 148 first draft


1.) Re: the following:

"BIGGLES (CONTD.)
A felony in progress or just standard terrapin tomfoolery?
As Biggles joins the gang, Mikey scratches his head.
MIKEY
Um, there’s no “Tom” here--
Leo <bonks> Mikey on the head with the ball. CODY taps on his HOLO-CLIPBOARD, leading BIGGLES away."

This "Tom" gag has, I think, about a 1% humor content... or less. I would drop it.


2.) Re: the following:

"BIGGLES
I’m here for a full overhaul and spit polish. Tomorrow, I’m accepting a special citation from the city for “Extreme Excellence in Law Enforcement and Civil Service.”"

The use here of the phrase "spit polish" seems awfully odd... especially coming from a ROBOT. Here's an alternative suggestion:

"BIGGLES
I’m here for a full diagnostic and cosmetic refurbishment. Tomorrow, I’m accepting a special citation from the city for “Extreme Excellence in Law Enforcement and Civil Service.”"

3.) Re: the following:

"JAMMERHEAD
Shove it, you battery powered Bobbie."

"Shove it"? Isn't that more than a little rude and crude for our show?


4.) Re: the following:

"JAMMERHEAD
Step two? Turn New York’s “finest” into my new BFF… And step three… "

I know that "BFF" is current "text message"-type slang for "Best Friend Forever", but to avoid dating ourselves (thinking of a new viewer a decade or more down the road), maybe we should either think of a new term or just the use the whole words "Best Friend Forever".


5.) Re: the following:

"DON
I don’t know anything about the “due process” of the future, but I don’t want to learn about it first hand! "

This seems like a fairly silly line, especially coming from brain-boy Don. It's superfluous, so I would lose it.


6.) Re: the following:

"TWO PEACEKEEPERS grab CODY, BIGGLES starts to stomp his way up the grandstand towards the Turtles.
BIGGLES
Take him in! Jones is <ZZZZZT> an accessory after the fact!"


Isn't this backwards? Shouldn't Biggles make his false claim about Cody's involvement BEFORE the Peacekeepers grab him?


7.) Re: the following:

"MIKEY
Makey fasty with the explainy!"

Is this pidgin English as spoken by someone who is Chinese? Sure sounds like it. Kind of embarrassing.


8.) Re: the following:

"SPLINTER helps CODY along.
CODY
What do I do?
SPLINTER
DUCK!
Everyone flattens as the train goes into THE TUNNEL. "

It's baffling to me why, for this scene, Cody has suddenly turned into a helpless idiot.


9.) Re: the following:

"FIND SERLING trying desperately to CATCH a priceless vase, AND mop up spilled GUNK, AND serve drinks, when—<SPLAT!> A bowl of GREEN GLOP splatters all over him.
SERLING
Disconnect me...Disconnect me now."

"Disconnect" him from what?I don't get it. Is Serling doing the classic long-suffering "Just kill me now" bit? If so, it's not clear or funny as written.


10.) Re: the following:

"A simple room with a HOLOGRAPHIC HEIGHT CHART in the BG. RAPID SERIES OF MUG SHOTS as… LEO is SCANNED by a lazer… <FLASH!>"

A "lazer" -- is that like a "laser"?


11.) Re: the following:

"ANGLE – JAMMERHEAD bangs on Biggles to let go, but the robot’s grip does not yield. The guys <ZIP> past them on either side."

Hmmm... doesn't Jammerhead possess the power to phase through things? Why doesn't he do it now?
Oh... I see he does it about five lines later... but my point is stil germane, I think.


12.) Re: the following:

"BIGGLES
Oh do shove it, you over-amplified hooligan."

MORE "shove it"? Inappropriate.


13.) Re: the following:

"THE CONTROL CONSOLE, where Don flips open the protective case over the re-boot Button and as he’s about to press it—
ON DON – wincing in pain as <WHACK!> JAMMERHEAD hits him with the butt of his power blade as he phases up through the floor!
JAMMERHEAD
Nice try…but your program just crashed, big time.
He raises the blade, when <ZZAAAAAP!> Jammerhead’s body convulses with energy! He falls in a heap… 
Revealing BIGGLES! His STUN BATON crackling with energy.
BIGGLES
Oh do shove it, you over-amplified hooligan.
ANGLE - THE TURTLES, SPLINTER, and CODY run for Don, leaving unconscious PHANTOMS behind them.
CODY
He reached the reset!"

Okay... so did Don reach the reset button... or did Jammerhead stop him "as he’s about to press it"? We can't have it both ways.


-- Pete

Blast from the Past #541: March 10, 2007: Re: Mortu vs. Mortu, Re: TMNT149 Outline, and Re: TMNT147 First Draft, March 12, 2007: Re: TMNT148 Outline

Subj: Re: Mortu vs. Mortu
Date: Saturday, March 10, 2007 11:51:30 AM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

In a message dated 3/8/07 3:27:11 PM, Lloyd writes:

Hey Pete –
 
 Here’s a (pretty silly, but possibly fun) question for you:
 
 Given the future world of TMNT: Fast Forward, do you think there’s a legitimate reason why Mortu would still be walking around in a human-shaped exoskeleton?  At first blush, it seems like he has no reason to do that any longer.  On the other (production-practical) side, he is much more recognizable in his human guise.
 
 Let me know your thoughts.
 
 Hope all is well!
 
 Lloyd

Lloyd,


It might just be that it is convenient for him -- it allows him to more easily interact with the world of larger humanoid aliens. Plus we are used to him looking like that!


-- Pete

------------------------------------------------------

Subj: Re: TMNT149 Outline
Date: Saturday, March 10, 2007 12:17:54 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

notes on EP. 149 outline 


1.) Why are there two homing devices placed (one on Raph, one on the ship)? Is one not enough?
Even though later on the tracking device on Raph is apparently used by the Shredder to track our heroes on the planet, wouldn't it also serve to track their ship in space?


2.) Re: the following:

"As an exclamation mark, another rocket is incoming!  This one will obliterate the ship.  The turtles hustle into spacesuits (as do Stockman and Cody) putting their weapon belts on the outside of the suit and then the six of them barely make it out of the spaceship before the rocket comes down and explodes."

This is a minor point, but I wonder if it might both (a) save us a few seconds and (b) serve up a little bit of verisimilitude if, instead of everybody putting on their space suits NOW, they actually do it when they are first fired upon by the other ship -- it could be a "survival protocol" common to space travelers, whereby if there is a chance your ship's hull might be breached, you have a better chance of living through it if you are already in your space suit.


-- Pete

-------------------------------------------------------

Subj: Re: TMNT147 First Draft
Date: Saturday, March 10, 2007 12:37:35 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

notes on Ep. 147 first draft


1.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
Hold on!  I’m gonna shake him loose!"

Don doesn't say "gonna"/


2.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
Guys!  You might wanna sit down…"

Don also doesn't say "wanna".


3.) Re: the following:

"EXT. JERSEY FIRE PITS – LATER
ON DARIUS waking up in a waft of smoke on a chunk of charred rock…he’s stranded, alone, drifting on a sea of MAGMA.  Then, suddenly, a melted metal hand reaches out of the magma and grabs him – and slowly blends into him!"

Hmmm... this is pushing the believability envelope a bit. But it's interesting.


-- Pete

------------------------------------------------

Subj: Re: TMNT148 Outline
Date: Monday, March 12, 2007 2:11:48 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

notes on Ep. 148 outline


1.) Re: the following:

"IN THE LAB - Biggles is strapped onto a table, quipping that he just needs “a little off the top level cache.” But as the techies move into position… JAMMERHEAD AND THE STREET PHANTOMS phase into the lab and knock out the techies! Jammerhead attaches a device to Biggles that <zaps> him with an intense jolt of electricity, opening up Biggles’s metal body to expose his primary control circuits! "

It's unclear to me here if Biggles is aware that Jammerhead and his goons have invaded the lab. Not sure if it even matters, story-wise... but maybe it does.


2.) Re: the following:

"EXT. TIMES SQUARE - DAY. All of the city’s luminaries have gathered for this event, and Times Square has never looked better. The Turtles arrive in style, pouring out of Cody’s limo into the VIP section of the grandstand. Bishop snorts, “They’ll call anyone a VIP these days.” Raph and Mikey act like they’re in the stands at a ball game, ordering hot dogs and such while Splinter and Serling hobnob with the stars. Leo and Cody agree that Biggles is a blowhard and a bit of a goofball, but his mechanical heart’s in the right place. On cue, the MAYOR introduces NNY’s Finest…"

Bishop's line here smacks of out-of-character verbal slapstick. It sounds more like a Serling line.
By the way -- have we ever seen NYC's mayor in FAST FORWARD before? I wonder if he (or she... or it) should be someone "interesting" (i.e. someone with some past connection to the Turtles or our supporting cast).


3.) Re: the following:

"Suddenly, Biggles eyes go PURPLE and he leaps over to the VIP section yelling “J’accused” and pointing his baton squarely at the Turtles! He declares that they are all under arrest for “crimes against the city, the nation, and good taste!” (Mikey: “I confess! Once, I jumped a turnstile, but that was 100 years ago, and  I was being chased by Foot Ninja!”) Raph cracks that if Biggles wanted to use the guys for a “demonstration” he would’ve gotten into character, but when the weapons come out, it’s obvious this is no joke. Cody tries to talk Biggles down – surely this is some sort of mistake, but Biggles isn’t hearing it – he points to the massive screens in Times Square and transmits the “charges” for all to see – footage of the Turtles as bad guys – blowing up small moons, heisting from banks, robbing old alien ladies, stealing candy from babies – oh the horror! He’s going to take the guys in and run them straight to Rykers Island!


Opting out of any incarceration – wrongful or otherwise, the guys make a break for it as the Peacekeepers descend on them. A small skirmish ensues as the guys “borrow” a few of the Peacekeeper platforms and use them to book out of Times Square with Cody and Splinter, battling back Peacekeepers and Biggles (without hurting them, of course!) For his part, Biggles acts with the most confidence and control we’ve ever seen, really “getting his hands dirty” as he chases down the Turtles, smashing things up and blasting away at the guys! 


Biggles calls out that Cody is an accessory after the fact, and puts out an APB (Seen on all the video screens in the city!) that O’Neiltech and its assets are now frozen. He is sending a “special detail” to claim Cody’s penthouse – the headquarters of the “nefarious Turtle gang…”"

The wide-ranging police powers Biggles demonstrates here strike me as right on the edge of fascism and martial law, and as such quite out of the spirit of our civilized 22nd century NYC. And that lead me to this suggestion -- maybe this ceremony is not just to polish Biggles' badge, but to do that AND announce that, due to his sterling service AND a perceived need to strengthen the city's defenses against crime, Biggles has been granted various new police powers... powers which he then proceeds to use to the fullest measure (and beyond!) when he launches his attack on the Turtles and Cody.
If we did take this tack, it would then probably be a good idea to have these "special powers" rescinded at the end of the episode.


4.) Re: the following:

"EXT. UPTOWN – CONTINUOUS – Biggles continues his relentless pursuit of the 
Turtles, Splinter, and Cody. He’s a complete robo-badass here, leaping across the hoods of flying cars (ala that battle in Minority Report) and deploying weapons we didn’t even know he had!  (All of a non-lethal variety… so far!) Eventually, hunter seeker pods shoot from his chest that disable the platform piloted by the Turtles. They are forced to abandon ship as Biggles lands on their platform, slicing it in half!"

Um... this is getting more than a little ridiculous. When was Biggles reconfigured as "Super Terminator"? Slicing s ship in half?! How the heck does he do THAT?!
If it is REALLY necessary to have Biggles turn into a super battle bot, perhaps it could be implied/suggested that when Jammerhead invades Biggles mind (back in the O'Neil Tech labs), he also installs some "hardware upgrades"... which could include this weaponry that we have never seen Biggles use before.


5.) Re: the following:

"EXT. GUGGENHEIM MUSEUM – CONTINUOUS - A battle ensues along the outside of this striking building (now 100 stories of spiraling goodness!)"

That's a funny image. It does make me wonder, though -- adding that many stories to an inverted spiral would lead to what I think would be a pretty unstable, wobbly, top-heavy structure... so I wonder if it would need some outer-edge supports. Unless, of course, it was reinforced with Donatellium...


6.) Re: the following:

"Leo and Splinter are concerned to see a painful looking TECHNO BOT roll in. Biggles proudly explains that the machine can simply extract information from any built-in hard drive…and reformat it if necessary. Leo points out that they don’t HAVE built in hard drives, and Biggles smirks (with a TIK) as he leaves the room, “Of course not, Jammerhead…of course not.” The robot moves in…ELECTRICITY ZAPPING between its implements…"

Might be fun/creepy if, when Leo points out to Biggles that as living creatures, they don't have hard drives, Biggles responds with an evil look/grin and says something like "No... yours are soft... squishy... inferior!"
I'm not really sure what is going on with Biggles' line “Of course not, Jammerhead…of course not.” Seems odd.


7.) Re: the following:

"The spaz out buys Don the moment he needs to slip past Biggles and leap for the Master Control. Jammerhead yells for Biggles to stop Don, and the Constable <fires> a blast—


-- Hitting Don just as he reaches the Master Control!  Don falls in a heap…


Jammerhead looms over him-- he’s gonna finish the Turtle right here in PK HQ, and no one will stop him!  <THWAKK!> BIGGLES pastes Jammerhead one with his baton, “No one but me, you degenerate hooligan!”


With his faculties again his, Biggles goes to town on Jammerhead, with a little help from Don – and they shut down the hacker for good. "

It is unclear from the way the action is described here, but I have to assume that Don actually manages to hit the "reboot" button on the "Master Control" before he "falls in a heap"... yes? Otherwise, the following action makes no sense.


-- Pete

Blast from the Past #540: March 1, 2007: Re: TMNT 145 3rd draft, March 6, 2007: Re: Show 144 Third Draft Notes and Re: TMNT146 Second Draft,

Subj:  Re: TMNT 145 3rd draft

Date:  Thursday, March 1, 2007 2:39:39 PM

From:  Peter Laird

To:    Lloyd Goldfine

         Here are my notes on Ep. 145 third draft script.

1.) Re: the following:

"CODY

Wicked!  I got your back, Donny."

There's something kind of off about Cody referring to Donatello as "Donny" -- maybe too familiar or something? A little disrespectful? I think either "Don" or "Donatello" would be better.

2.) Re: the following:

"**The turtles join Mortu and his Utrom Guards.

*LEONARDO

Mr. … I mean, Captain Mortu?

MORTU

Indeed.  It is good to find you well, Leonardo, you and your brothers.  Though I must admit surprising - it has been a long, long time!  But I am afraid this visit is not motivated simply by my desire to see you.  There is an urgent matter we must discuss…"

I'm not sure why this didn't occur to me earlier, but -- HOW does Mortu know where to find the Turtles? Obviously, from what he is saying, he is specifically looking for them because of the news about the evil Shreder Utrom. Perhaps there should be a line or two about how Mortu had heard through the "grapevine" (maybe via Bishop?) that the Turtles had mysteriously shown up in the future... OR... maybe Mortu DIDN'T know that the Turtles were still around, but instead was looking for Cody (who, as a descendant of a dear friend of the Turtles, might be a target for a vengeance-seeking Shredder).

3.) Re: the following:

"**RAPHAEL

Wait, so you’re sayin’ the Shredder busted out of that chunk ‘a space rock ya locked him in?!"

Minor point, but I would add the word "frozen" to this line as follows:

"**RAPHAEL

Wait, so you’re sayin’ the Shredder busted out of that frozen chunk ‘a space rock ya locked him in?!"

4.) Re: the following:

"**MORTU (CONT’D)

No response.  And the high density of ore onboard is interfering with our trans-mats making it impossible to beam directly over.  We’ll have to commence docking procedures."

Good way to solve the transmat problem I mentioned in the last set of notes. I might even add a little more "technobabble" to this -- maybe something about some special kind of radiation being given off by the ore in question which interferes with the "rematerialization matrix of the transmat" or some such. Might even be a good opportunity for somebody like Mikey to get off a "Dr. McCoy"-type line about how he doesn't want his molecules to be spread all over space. Or not.

5.) Re: the following:

"INT. MINING BAY – TRICERATON VESSEL – CONT’D

The turtles (in their spacesuits UNTIL I say so) all stand on the bridge looking at the carnage and the mess."

This is probably just a typo, but I feel I should point out that they are NOT on the "bridge", but in a mining bay.

6.) Re: the following:

"<WHIR> and suddenly gravity is back on and everything (and everyone) falls to the floor with various <CRASHES>.  The non-Utroms lands on their feet.  They look around."

Just to be clear -- does "everything (and everyone" crashing to the floor include the Utroms on their floating platforms? That would seem to make little sense.

Also, it occurs to me that the spacesuits the Turtles are wearing would very likely have some kind of magnetic boots (or at least the option to turn on some kind of magnets) so they could maneuver inside a ship which has no built-in or operating artificial gravity.

7.) Re: the following:

"**MORTU

We’re looking into that.  I’ve sent out teams to use localized scanners to search for any signs of life."

This might be a good place to reiterate the earlier technobabble I suggested re: ore radiation preventing use of the transmat aboard the Triceraton vesel. In this case, the radiation could be interfering with the Utrom scanners (and possibly a good explanation for why they don't detect the Trishreddatron).

8.) Re: the following:

"LEATHERHEAD

Yes, the captain’s log is in near disrepair, but with a little “encouragement,” we might just be able to resuscitate it."

The phrase "near disrepair" is an odd one, especially in these circumstances (think about it). Perhaps a better way to put it would be as follows:

"LEATHERHEAD

Yes, the captain’s log is severely damaged, but with a little “encouragement,” we might just be able to resuscitate it."

9.) Re: the following:

"**Cody tags along from behind but Serling grabs him by the shirt and stops him before he can get too far."

Not to be too anal about the details, but shouldn't Cody be in a spacesuit instead of just a shirt?

10.) Re: the following:

"**DONATELLO

Wait. This last entry was two months ago … the distress signal came three days ago … it doesn’t make sense …"

Does this mean that it took two months for Mortu to become concerned enough about the possible escape of the Shredder?

Also, this thought occurred to me -- why does Mortu go all the way to Earth first BEFORE going to the site of the asteroid where the evil Shredder had been imprisoned? Do we have a good answer for that?

11.) Re: the following:

"**SHREDDER (CONT’D)

… the turtles are here, as well!  I would wonder how you are still alive, but it matters not - you soon won’t be!  The self-destruct sequence I activated on the Triceraton Vessel is counting down."

While it is certainly not a big deal, I would prefer it if we could get away from the cliche of the "self-destruct mechanism" and think of something else -- perhaps something to do with the radioactive ore on the Triceraton ship. Maybe the Shredder left a booby trap on the Triceraton ship which when activated will start a countdown to a fission reaction of the ore which will destroy the ship.

12.) Re: the following:

"**SHREDDER (CONT’D)

But worry not.  There is more than enough time to move my new ship well outside of the blast zone."

"But worry not" seems to be an odd thing for the Shredder to say, given the circumstances. I might change it a little as follows:

**SHREDDER (CONT’D)

However, I have more than enough time to move MY new ship well outside of the blast zone."

13.) Re: the following:

"**DONATELLO

Captain Mortu, what would happen if we lasered a hole in the side of your ship?

MORTU

There would be a thirty-second delay as the emergency energy skin would seal the breach.

**LEONARDO

Thirty-seconds…that’s not enough time for everybody to escape.  But if we could get off – we might just be able to access the Utrom bridge and open up that hatch!  Come on!"

Actually, thirty seconds is a pretty long time. Exactly how many are there who need to escape?

14.) Re: the following:

"MORTU

That’s not nothing!  That’s the primary fuel line!  Aim lower!"

"Fuel line"? What... gas? Diesel? Maybe we should think of something else... like "primary star drive coolant line" or something.

15.) Re: the following:

"RAPHAEL

<as though he’s nervous> Wait a second – the bridge?!  As in where the Shredder is?!

MORTU

I’m afraid so, yes.

RAPHAEL

<chomping at the bit> Afraid, nothin’.  I was hoping you’d say that!"

What an odd exchange. I don't see the point of it.

16.) Re: the following:

"MORTU works the control panel as THE FIGHT rages all over the bridge as …

**MORTU

I think I have it!

MICHELANGELO comes at the Shredder with his nunchucks <WHIRLING> and the Shredder <RIPS> a console from the wall with his mighty strength and <SMASHES> it into Michelangelo sending him rolling back into the CONTROL PANEL MORTU is working at – it <SPARKS> and <SPUTTERS> …

**MORTU

Never mind."

Mortu's "Never mind" line is kind of dopey. I would prefer to see just a roll of his eyes and maybe an exaggerated, exasperated sigh.

17.) Re: the following:

"MORTU (CONT’D)

Our only chance is to try and rip free!"

It should be "try TO", not "try AND".

18.) About what we are calling the "TriShreddatron" -- I'd like to get a little clarity of what, exactly, it is. It SEEMS to me from what is said in this episode that the Shredder Utrom has literally eviscerated an unfortunate Triceraton and taken up residence in the Triceraton's abdomen in a sick parody of the Utrom robotic exoskeleton layout. Is this correct? If so, fine -- it's pretty gruesome, but I like it. It does raise several interesting questions, the primary one being -- how long can this Triceraton body last in this condition? I would think not too long -- how can it eat to sustain itself?

With that in mind, I offer a suggestion for consideration -- maybe instead of the STOMACH, the Shredder Utrom takes up residence in the Triceraton's SKULL. We could have a bizarre, dramatic reveal where the Triceraton's head opens up and we see the Shredder Utrom.

-- Pete

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Subj:  Re: Show 144 Third Draft Notes

Date:  Tuesday, March 6, 2007 11:42:16 PM

From:  Peter Laird

To:    Lloyd Goldfine

         Here are my notes on Ep. 144 third draft.

     1.) Re: the following:

"VIRAL

Destroyed?  My data bits scattered bits across cyberspace?  I think not, boy.  You did your best to delete me…but you failed."

     I think that second "bits" is unnecessary.

     2.) ReL the following:

"*The Turtles, Cody, Splinter and Serling are with him.

**MASTER FIGHTER

You are a true Master…Master Splinter.  I am h

**SPLINTER

I think we can learn much from each other, “Master.”

     Something seems to be missing from Master Fighter's dialogue.

     3.) Re: the following:

"*MICHELANGELO

You ready Master Fighter?

*Master Fighter looks at Mikey and grins.

**MASTER FIGHTER

As you might say…”It is Ninja Time!”"

     Not a big deal, but... as I get a little nauseous when I see the "It's Ninja Time!" line, I suggest perhaps the following change:

*MICHELANGELO

You ready Master Fighter?

*Master Fighter looks at Mikey and grins.

**MASTER FIGHTER

To coin a phrase -- "It's Master Fighter time!”

     -- Pete

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Subj: Re:   TMNT146 Second Draft
Date: Tuesday, March 6, 2007 2:25:43 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


         Here are my notes on Ep. 146 second draft.

1.) Re: the following:

"EXT. ALIEN ALLEY. MAO-TRON'S DUMPLING HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Mikey pulls up to this modest store, indicated by HOLO-SIGNAGE of a TENTACLED ALIEN stir-frying happy-looking dumplings.  
MIKEY - rubs his hands together as he takes a deep whiff. 
*MIKEY
<SNIFFFFF>Breathe in the deep fried goodness, bros! Mao-Tron's Teriaki Tentacle Tempura two-fer Tuesdays! "

I don't know if this was intentional or not, but naming this restaurant "Mao-Tron's" makes me think of a robotic Mao Tse-Tung. Maybe we could get in a few sly references to the old Chairman, like maybe the menus could look like little red books, or Mikey could say at the end of his lines above "It's like a cultural revolution... in your mouth!"


2.) Re: the following:

"DON
Um, you do remember Zixx is the most wanted criminal in the galaxy? 'Zixx the Enigma?' 'Zixx of the Black Blade?'"

Is Zixx truly THE most wanted criminal in the galaxy? Or is he just ONE OF the most wanted?


3.) Re: the following:

"Zukko gets on his trike, but spares a look back at Big Red.
ZUKKO
Hey, Red… Give 'em one for me."

If Zukko is referring to Zixx, should that be "'im" (him)  instead of "'em" (them)?


4.) Re: the following:

"*THE TURTLES in the rafters, hiding ninja style. Leo starts to move, but Raph puts a hand on his shoulder, only half-serious…
RAPH
  (SOTTO)
Can't we let him get a little roughed up? Red did pay good money for him!"

Given that Raph isn't really on an affable first-name basis with Big Red, it might be more appropriate -- and maybe even a little funnier -- if he said something like "The crustacean did pay good money for him!"


5.) Re: the following:

"*DON
Yeah…I think I do…"

Don doesn't say "Yeah" -- he says "yes".


6.) Re: the following:

"A SMALL SPACECRAFT lowers into frame. ZUKKO stands on the wing, a shoulder mounted BAZOOKA still trailing wisps of energy.
The TURTLES weakly pull themselves up, groaning.
*TURTLES
<GROANS>
He scoops Zixx 
ZUKKO
Some friendly advice, Turtles…
He loads the unconscious Zixx into his ship and hops into the pilot's seat. The ship BLASTS OFF, disappearing into the sky…
*ZUKKO
Association with Torbin Zixx is hazardous to your health. You mess with my business again…
Leaving the GUYS open mouthed and empty-handed!
*ZUKKKO
I promise, you ain't getting back up!"

This is kind of odd. If Zukko and his ship blast off, disappearing into the skies (and CLEARLY out of earshot of the Turtles), WHY is his dialogue to the Turtles continuing?


7.) Re: the following:

"MIKEY leaps away from RAPH, who looks down at his body.
MIKEY
It's the pudgy one! He's gonna blow!"

While the "It's the pudgy one" bit is a LITTLE funny, it's also off. We've NEVER (as far as I can remember) heard Mike (or anyone else) refer to Raph in any way, shape or form as overweight... so why now? Maybe instead of "pudgy one", it could be "ugly one" or "angry one" or "smelly one" or "irritable one", etc..


8.) Re: the following:

"RAPH
This how your dates usually go?
*ZIXX
No…they usually don't try to butcher me until after they know me!"

"Butcher me" seems a bit harsh for our light 'n' happy "Fast Forward" series. Perhaps something like this:


"RAPH
This how your dates usually go?
*ZIXX
No…this generally doesn't happen until AFTER they get to know me!"


9.) Re: the following:

"*MIKEY'S CHUCKS <SLAM> into the SLUDGIE'S TORSO, shattering it. The sludgie's “body” just dissolves into a lump of mud.
*MIKEY
No need to get snarky, sparky."

Kind of a cute line... but why "sparky" for a SLUDGIE?


10.) Re: the following:

"Zukko whips out a BLASTER, but Zixx pushes it aside.
ZIXX
Zukko…No. 
ZIXX looks sadly at the spot where the Turtles were vaporized. 
ZIXX
We…we pushed it too far. I never meant for them to get hurt, Zukko. It's over."

I'm not sure where this is coming from, but it seems completely out of character. Zixx clearly had no compunctions about putting the Turtles in harm's way in the earlier scenes, so this doesn't make much sense.


-- Pete

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