Subj: Re: First Draft of 105 ("Lap of the Gods")
Date: Thursday, January 6, 2005 12:54:00 PM
From: Peter Laird
To: Lloyd Goldfine
Lloyd,
Here are my comments on the Ep. 105 first draft.
1.) Re: the following:
"LEONARDO
Yeah, well, try living with it 24-7, Joi. (to Raph) There’s still too much we don’t know… about the Tribunal, about this threat they mentioned…
ON RAPH and LEO as Raph gets right in Leo’s face.
RAPHAEL
You gotta be kidding me! You want a threat? They kidnapped us! They sicced their wooden soldiers on us, and tried to make us take each other out!"
Leo doesn't say "Yeah".
Also, I was confused for a moment with Raph's line "They sicced their wooden soldiers on us, and tried to make us take each other out!" I couldn't remember the Turtles being forced to fight each other... and then I remembered that they were forced to fight the other acolytes. Maybe some extra words in this line would make it less confusing, i.e.: " They sicced their wooden soldiers on us, and tried to make us and these other warriors take each other out!"
2.) Re: the following:
"DONATELLO
You don’t suppose they have a payphone in there, do you? Master Splinter has to be worried…"
This sounds a lot more like a Mike line than a Don.
3.) Re: the following:
"GREEN EYES/CHIKARA
Any challenges you may have overcome before now, any conflicts you have emerged victorious from previously…
SILVER EYES/KON
They are less than nothing compared to what you will soon face."
A minor point: When I first read this, I thought this might be a cool place to have one of the Turtles (probably Mike or Raph) interrupt with a line like "Yeah? I got one word for you -- TRICERATONS!" (or one or two of their other powerful foes).
Then it occurred to me that it might also be a fun place for a little goof on this situation and a nod to the fans, and have one of the Turtles say that line, but like this: "Yeah? I got one word for you -- GARBAGEMAN!"
4.) Re: the following:
"ON DON, who leans to Mikey.
DONATELLO
(whispering)
I feel like I should be writing this down."
Another line which sounds more Mike than Don.
5.) Re: the following:
"CLOSE ON BLUE EYES, who similarly pulls off his helm and mask.
CAMERA PULLS OUT as he reveals his true form, as well as his HORNS and HOOVES."
I'm curious to see the design of this guy, and how logically his horns -- described earlier as "ram’s horns bulging from his forehead" -- are going to fit under a Shredder-style helmet.
6.) Re: the following:
"MICHELANGELO
I’m concentrating… I’m seeing my chi… it’s taking the form of a pizza…"
Pizza? Ugh. How about something a little different, i.e.: "I’m concentrating… I’m seeing my chi… it’s taking the form of... of... chips and... and salsa…"
7.) I may not be remembering this correctly, but if I am, the other acolytes have never met Splinter, correct? So his sudden appearance should take them by surprise even more so than the others. It might be cool to have a line or two reflecting this in this episode, but if there is not a good place for something like that in this episode, maybe the next one. (Maybe something like having Adam -- who earlier said to Raph about Juto "Dude! He’s not human!" -- say to Raph about Splinter "Dude! Your sensei -- he's a RAT!")
-- Pete
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Subj: Re: FW: Outline 107 ("Legend of the Five Dragons")
Date: Thursday, January 6, 2005 1:28:22 PM
From: Peter Laird
To: Lloyd Goldfine
Lloyd,
Here is my one comment on the Ep. 107 outline revised.
1.) Re: the following:
"We come in closer on Tengu-Saki…and see him in full Shredder regalia. “His name,” narrates the Ancient One, “ was spoken in whispers all across the land. And the name they all whispered was…the Shredder!”"
I wonder if, by any chance, there is a Japanese word for "shredder", and if it sounds cool, we could use it here, as in "And the name they all whispered was ___________ …the Shredder!” I did a little web research and found that there is a word in Japanese for "shredder", although it sounds suspiciously like a "Japan-ized" version of an English word: shuredda.
I'm going to attach to this email a screen grab I did of one of the things I found on the web for "shuredda", which includes kanji characters for that word.
-- Pete
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Subj: Re: Design for show 104 ("Ninja Tribunal")
Date: Thursday, January 6, 2005 9:47:42 PM
From: Peter Laird
To: Jonathan
In a message dated 1/6/05 4:15:35 PM, Jonathan writes:
Peter,
Happy New Year!
Attached is the following design for your approval from show 104:
1. Tribunal Ship
If you could reply with your feedback it would be greatly appreciated. A fax with this image is soon to follow.
Thank you, Peter.
~Jonathan
Jonathan,
It looks pretty good to me. My only area of concern, from a logical point of view, is the area near the prow of the ship where the dragon's neck arches down -- it seems like a spot where water could easily slop over the edge of the ship when it is on the ocean. I have attached a quick tweak of the image to show an idea of how that area might be altered to keep the waves off the deck.
-- Peter
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