Subj: comments on Ep. 87 first draft
Date: Tuesday, August 3, 2004 12:50:07 PM
From: Peter Laird
To: Lloyd Goldfine
Lloyd,
Here are my comments on Ep. 87 first draft.
1.) Re: the following:
"MICHELANGELO
Heads up! The Eagle is on the move!"
No real problem with "Eagle", but I wonder if it might be fun to use one of the actual codenames used for the President which is kind of silly-sounding -- "POTUS", for President Of The United States. (And as I read further, I see that Bishop actually uses this codename.)
2.) Re: the following:
"RAPHAEL
I should be a secret service agent.
MICHELANGELO
What would the secret be? Your smell?"
I think this is a good place for a joke, but Mikey's here is LAME, and really makes no sense. Maybe he should say something like "I think you'd have a little trouble with the height requirement, Raph!" That's not great, but at least it's not inane. Or maybe it should have something to do with "standing out in a crowd", which Raph would and which is a big no-no for the Secret Service.
3.) Re: the following:
"LEONARDO
(very serious)
Don… you don’t think… could this be the Shredder?"
Leo's question seems very strange to me (plus the line is superfluous). Why would he leap to that conclusion? As far as I can see, there is nothing about what they are seeing that screams "Shredder".
4.) I wonder if it would be handy if the Secret Service agents who are driving the President around are actually "plants" -- Bishop's men -- as their staged reactions might help to enhance the illusion of reality for the "alien" attack. To set it up, we might show these guys with Bishop earlier on.
5.) When the "alien" ships show up, I think it would be a perfect moment for someone (maybe the cabdriver mentioned in that scene) to groan out "Not again...!" (referring, of course, to the Triceraton invasion in season 3).
6.) Re: the following:
"STOCKMAN
Hey, the parameters were scary, able to follow basic orders, and fire weapons… hand to hand fighting wasn’t on the list. The physical battering must be accelerating the breakdown."
I don't think Stockman would say "Hey"... and "the parameters were scary" seems off too. "Scary"? Doesn't seem like a way Stockman would describe something. I might suggest changing it as follows:
"STOCKMAN
Your parameters were to make them able to follow basic orders, and fire weapons… hand to hand fighting wasn’t on the list. The physical battering must be accelerating the breakdown."
7.) Re: the following:
"WIDE ON THE SKY – the Saucer begins to slowly drift away, while the dozens of other ships in the distance stay still. An AIR FORCE JET streaks into FRAME from behind CAMERA, firing its <MACHINE GUNS>, but the shots are stopped by a shimmering FORCE FIELD which appears when hit (only when hit)."
Would the Air Force jet fire on a ship which has just kidnapped the President?
8.) Re: the following:
"RAPHAEL
Are you that whacked in the head? The only place you’re going is pain-ville."
A minor point, but I think it's "wacked" (as in "wacky"), not "whacked".
9.) I'm overall quite pleased with the way this one turned out.
-- Pete
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Subj: notes on EP. 91 premise
Date: Tuesday, August 3, 2004 6:43:20 PM
From: Peter Laird
To: Lloyd Goldfine
Lloyd,
Here are my notes on Ep. 91 premise
1.) Re: the following:
"Usagi and Gen come to NYC for a visit."
Nothing wrong with this... but I wonder if we might think up something which would invest this story with a little more drama and purpose. For example, what if Usagi and Gen did not come to our world just for fun, but they are actually pursuing someone, some evildoer, from THEIR world who has escaped into ours? This could be a cool way of bringing in more UY characters.
(Of course, I just read the end of this one and saw the bit where Splinter had actually asked Usagi to come... which is also fine, but still...)
2.) Re: the following:
"We’ll do a gag where Gen has tried on some new clothes and he looks suspiciously like RockSteady from the old show."
I laughed out loud.
Actually, if we wanted to play up the "Bebop and Rocksteady" gag, AND wanted to use my idea of Usagi and Gen pursuing a character from their universe, maybe Stan could create a warthog-based villain who could -- once we redress him (he might do this to blend in with our world) and if you squinted at the right angle -- kind of look like Bebop from the old show.
3.) I'm not 100% sure that getting Bishop and Stockman involved in this tale is a good idea, simply because the story is somewhat lighthearted and those guys are really nasty. I wonder if perhaps it should be Hun and the Purple Dragons who encounter Gen... maybe they try to recruit him! He might, in some strange way, fit right in with them (up to a point). And it might make sense that the "Rocksteady" clothes he puts on come from the PD.
4.) This reminder is probably not necessary, but -- Stan Sakai should be copied on all of this. Actually, I'm not sure if he has approved the appearance of Usagi and Gen in this episode -- not that I think he wouldn't, but we should be sure to dot all i's and cross all t's before we go off and do lots of work on it.
-- Pete
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Subj: comments on Ep. 92 premise
Date: Tuesday, August 3, 2004 7:10:21 PM
From: Peter Laird
To: Lloyd Goldfine
Lloyd,
Here are my comments on Ep. 92 premise.
1.) Re: the following:
"But Splinter will hear none of it. He tells Leo that there is but one other master in all the world that Leo can turn to. He is an ancient, wise, skilled, learned master who rarely takes on new pupils. He is the sensei who taught Splinter’s own sensei, Hamato Yoshi, the ways of Ninjutsu. "
I think we need to do something here to explain -- at least a little bit -- how Hamato Yoshi's master can still be alive, as I'm sure Leo himself would wonder about that. Also, is this "Ancient One" a Guardian? Is he human?
2.) Re: the following:
"At any rate, Leo will eventually come to the realization that his rude, stinky, sloppy traveling companion is in fact the Ancient One that he has been seeking all along. And he will realize that what he has come here for he has already learned on the journey!"
Cool! I seriously hope this marks the end of the "morose Leo" period. One thing that might be kind of fun is to do a bit where Leo has just about fully concluded that, indeed, his weird companion is the "Ancient One", but he wants to force the Ancient One's hand and reveal himself in a test of some kind. What I'm thinking is that Leo will do something like spill a cup of tea over an artifact of some kind that his companion clearly values highly (maybe a scroll), and -- to save the artifact from being doused with tea, the Ancient One has to perform some incredible, nigh-on impossible acrobatic ninja move where he does a triple flip and sticks a landing on some highly improbable surface (upright bamboo sticks or something) while simultaneously whisking the scroll out of harms way AND catching the falling tea cup AND doing that in a way so as to actually CATCH the tea as it's spilling out. It's a breathtaking display of the soul of ninjutsu, and Leo bows to the master... who is a little disgruntled that Leo has tricked him into revealing himself in this manner, but he realizes that Leo has learned what he needs to learn and has earned the right to know who he is. (Should we think up a different name than "Ancient One"? After all, that's what Doctor Strange's teacher was called in the Marvel comics. Here are a couple of possibilities:
-- The Venerable
-- The Master Sage)
-- Pete
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