Blast from the Past #527: January 4, 2006: Re: 138 ("Race For Glory") 3rd Draft and Re: 143 ("Zixxth Sense") Outline, and January 7, 2006: Re: TMNT Show 141 ("The Cosmic Completist") First Draft

Subj: Re: 138 ("Race For Glory") 3rd Draft
Date: Wednesday, January 4, 2006 9:57:20 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my comments (not many) on the Ep. 138 third draft.


1.) Re: the following:

"*DONATELLO
Sorry to disappoint you, Raph, but there won’t be any “between heats”.  The machine in this race will make around the entire Tri-State track in just a few hours."

Minor point, but I think that should be "machines", not "machine".


2.) Re: the following:

"INT. HOVERSHELL – MOVING – CONTINUOUS
Don, Raph and Falcon peer out at a TUNNEL ENTRANCE up ahead.  It’s way too small for the Hovershell to fit through.  
RAPHAEL
We ain’t gonna fit!
DONATELLO
Then we’ll just have to MAKE it fit!
EXT. JERSEY FIRE PITS – CONTINUOUS
The Hovershell sheds its “shell”, which gets <SCORCHED> by the flame burst as the “TANK” half narrowly slips into the tunnel.  "

As I said in my last notes:


"I think this bit needs to be thought out a little more. Correct me if I'm wrong, but the Tank part of the HoverShell isn't "way" smaller/narrower than the "shell" part. I also think they should do something a little more sophisticated than just "peer" at the tunnel to ascertain that it is too narrow for the Hovershell to fit through it. Maybe there could be a gizmo on board the Hovershell which views the road ahead and analyzes obstacles of this nature, displaying results on a screen, which could SHOW that the Hovershell is wider than the tunnel."


This could be accomplished by something as simple as using one of the holo-displays on the Hovershell to display an image of the upcoming tunnel with an overlay of an outline of the Hovershell (as seen from end-on).


3.) Re: the following:

"**FALCON
Sh’yeah, as dead weight!"

"Sh'yeah"? How about just "Yeah"?


-- Pete

-------------------------------


Subj: Re: 143 ("Zixxth Sense") Outline
Date: Wednesday, January 4, 2006 9:32:12 PM

From:  Peter Laird

To:    Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my comments on the Ep. 143 outline.


1.) Re: the following:

"The golf bag FLICKERS and fades away, and we see that it was merely a holographic cover for the smuggled ALTAIRIAN BLASTERS.  Grinning, Zixx tosses them to the aliens.  But his grin fades when the Ugly Alien levels the blaster at him."

I wonder if it might be a bit funnier and be a better visual if instead of the bag being a "holographic cover", the CLUBS are actually the blasters -- they look like golf clubs (however golf clubs look in the future), but when manipulated in a certain way, they TRANSFORM into lethal looking blasters.


2.) Re: the following:

"Raph suggests blowing the meteor up with a thermonuclear bomb.  But Zixx explains that wouldn’t work because black matter is harder than a trillium diamond.  “A bomb would just polish the surface,” he says.  Still, the Turtles refuse to believe that there is nothing they can do to stop Earth’s destruction.  Zixx hesitates."

Hmmm... because it seems logical (to me, anyway) that in the future there would be weapons or engines of destruction far in advance of a mere thermonuclear bomb (i.e. blasters, megalasers, proton beams, phasers, neutron disruptors, terraforming molecular masers, etc.), it might be good here to mention a few of them, and then have Zixx admit "Yeah, there is enough technology available to reduce the dark matter meteor to space dust... but I ran a computer simulation, and it would take a little too much time" "How much time?" demands Raph. "Oh, about a year and a half!" replies Zixx.
But Don should STILL be suspicious.


3.) Re: the following:

"But he knows where there is another ship that will get them there.  He leads them to BISHOP’S PRESIDENTIAL SHUTTLE.  “Good old Bish won’t mind if we borrow this,” insists Zixx.  “He and I are old pals.”

The Turtles aren’t too keen on this plan, but Zixx barges ahead before they can stop him.  He ambushes two of the shuttle’s guards and sets off blaring alarms.  When the other guards open fire, the Turtles have no choice but to defend themselves.  As they take out the remaining guards, Zixx fires up the engines and commandeers the Presidential Shuttle.  The Turtles hop on board and hope for the best."

I'm wondering if -- because the Turtles' involvement in the theft of Bishop's shuttle would lead to problems (that they don't need) with Bishop -- Zixx and the Turtles should steal someone else's shuttle. They could still be chased, maybe even by Biggles' crew.


4.) Re: the following:

"The Turtles wake up in a cold, barren cell.  They are furious with Zixx for betraying them.  


DONNY: What did you expect?  You can’t spell Zixx without a double cross!"

That's clever... but a pun like that is more a Mike thing.


-- Pete


---------------------------------------------




Subj: Re: TMNT Show 141 ("The Cosmic Completist") First Draft
Date: Saturday, January 7, 2006 2:18:01 PM

From:  Peter Laird

To:    Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,

Here are my comments on the Ep. 141 first draft.

1.) Re: the following:

"CODY
I think it’s cool.
RAPHAEL
No you don’t.
CODY
Yes I do."

The "No you don't"/"Yes I do" exchange seems silly to me, and extraneous. I would take out those two lines.

2.) Re: the following:

"A RED-HOT ESCAPE POD crashes through the roof to smash the action figure.
BLINDING SMOKE.  <Coughing.>  The smoke clears.  The roof is gone.  DUST and RUBBLE everywhere.  


Mikey is heartbroken as the mint-on-card figure, now a torn and dirty lump, drops in front of him."

I suspect "the roof is gone" is a slight exaggeration -- obviously, if the force of the escape pod would result in the whole roof being blown away,  it's unlikely anyone in the penthouse would survive the impact. More likely is that there is now a sizable HOLE in the roof.
Also, it''s a little confusing to me how the escape pod could smash through the roof onto the action figure... and then that same action figure "drops in front of" Mikey. Wouldn't it be crushed under the escape pod?

3.) Re: the following:

"CODY
I can handle myself.  I have the Turtle X Armor!  I want to come too!
LEONARDO
Can’t do, Cody. Anything that was able to take down all the Gunjins is going to be mega-dangerous.  Besides, it wasn’t easy for the Gunjin Leader to swallow his pride and come to us for help.  The Gunjin code of honor definitely wouldn’t let him take help from a kid, even one with battle armor.
CODY
I’m not a kid!  You don’t think I am, do you, Leo?
LEONARDO
Little ninja, you’re one of us.  Family.  So I’d like you to do me a favor and stay here where it’s safe."

Leo's "Can't do" sounds odd to me... maybe a bit too slangy for Leo. I'd prefer it if he just said "No" instead.
And Cody's "I'm not a kid!" rant sounds a little off. I mean -- he IS a kid. Not JUST any kid, of course -- Leo has already seen him in action and knows what he can do, especially when he is teamed with the Turtle X armor. I think it would be good if Leo's reply to Cody here reflected that, while at the same time making clear to him that this is a job for the experienced fighters.

4.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
Gotcha, Leo."

Don MIGHT say "Gotcha" in a certain context, but this is not it.

5.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
Yeah, yeah…38…37…we know the rest!  Let’s kick it!
Donatello kicks a big LEVER on the dashboard -- the ship shakes as the engines roar to life."

This is DUMB. When did Don turn into Raph? And... KICKING a lever? WTF? This is NOT Don.

6.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO
--“massive gravity field?”
DONATELLO
Yeah.  How’d you know?"

Don doesn't say "Yeah". And how DID Leo know, apparently BEFORE Don did?

7.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
I’m reading thousands of lifeforms on that ship.  But all dormant, like in hibernation.  Only one is awake, the DNA is strange…I don’t know what it is."

Minor point -- but maybe Don's scan of Aramzedo is being "blurred" or distorted by the armor that Aramzedo resides within, and Don can mention something to that effect, i.e. "Something is interfering with my scan of this lifeform..."

8.) Re: the following:

"TIGHT ON Leo as he jumps in front of the bot and takes command.
LEONARDO
Donny take its right.  Raph the left.  It can’t take us on all at once. It’s NINJA TIME!"

Gag! Please delete "It's NINJA TIME!" Actually, I wouldn't mind deleting all of this stuff, as it is kind of extraneous AND awkwardly worded... not to mention the fact that it's kind of a lame and presumptuous plan from Leo (how DOES he know that it can't take them on all at once?).

9.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
I’m coming, bro!"

Don doesn't say "Bro".

10.) Re: the following:

"Donatello WINCES.
DONATELLO
Okay, that even grossed me out…"

That sounds like more of a Mikey line.

11.) Re: the following:

"MICHELANGELO
Lame?!  We’re grade-A Turtle, bucko!  Nothing of greater value!
RAPHAEL
Can it, Raph.  You’re not helping!"

I think Raph should say "Can it, Mikey", not "Can it, Raph".

12.) Re: the following:

"MICHELANGELO
<Gasp!>  Donny, shift over, man.  Your feet reek!"

That's some sensitive nose Mikey has... to smell Don's feet THROUGH A SPACE SUIT! Not to mention that Mikey's head is inside his SPACE HELMET!

13.) Re: the following:

"Michelangelo stands on the other side of the open doorway to the Hall of Humanoids, twiddling his fingers at the ‘bot.
INT. HALL OF HUMANOIDS – CONTINUOUS
Like before, the Pack-bot zooms super-fast across the room and between Mikey’s legs.  But, this time, when he stops behind him, he looks up to find the other Turtles balancing above on Donatello’s extended bo staff, and the Leader Gunjin hovering above them. "

The staging of this action is confusing to me. WHERE are all the Turtles "balancing" on Don's bo staff? HOW is it that the Pack-Bot can't SEE them until he has slid between Mikey's legs? WHY is this balancing bit a good strategy against the Pack-Bot? Something about this doesn't make sense.

14.) Re: the following:

"Raph pulls out his sais, and the others pull out their weapons.  Pack-bots from the nearby seats POLYMER SPRAY the weapons out of the Turtles’ hands onto the dirt.  The Turtles can’t pull the weapons loose."

I'm trying to envision how one would "POLYMER SPRAY the weapons out of the Turtles’ hands onto the dirt". Doesn't seem to make a whole lot of sense.

15.) Re: the following:

"Donatello grabs one by the arm and judo flips it.  The Dokepal lands on its back and bounces back onto its feet, unharmed.
DOKEPAL
Doke doke!
DONATELLO
It’s no use!  We can’t stop them.  Nothing can."

When did Don get so defeatist? Seems like it's a bit too soon to be saying "Nothing can" stop the Dokepals. Silly.

16.) Re: the following:

"ARAMZEDO(FROM SCREEN)
Chicken?!  Aramzedo is no flightless bird!  But you are beneath my notice! I do not need to trouble myself with insects such as you!  Pack-bots, collect them!"

Minor point -- are chickens really "flightless birds"?

17.) Re: the following:

"MICHELANGELO (CONTINUED)
I’m gonna pluck this buzzard one feather at a time until you come out!
GUNJIN LEADER
Yes.  He means it.  Oh.  Help.  Help.
Michelangelo gets a little too eager in his yanking.  The Gunjin Leader <growls> at him.
ARAMZEDO(FROM SCREEN)
ENOUGH!  Pack-bots, withdraw!
The Pack-bots withdraw to their seats in the stadium.
ARAMZEDO (CONTINUED)
Aramzedo will fight you.  If I win, you will join my collection with no further damage to my possessions.
LEONARDO
Agreed.  And if we win, you will release all your collection!
ARAMZEDO(FROM SCREEN)
Fine.  Aramzedo does not lose!
RAPHAEL
(snorts)
The day we can’t take on some pipsqueak geek is the day I hang up my sais for good!"

This is... not very good. Given the super-duper powers of the Pack-Bots (as Don points out a few lines earlier "We had our hands full with one Pack-bot.  How do we take on an army?"), it makes NO sense to me that Aramzedo would not just have multiple Pack-Bots rush the Turtles and immobilize them with their polymer goo. So what if Mikey is able to pull a few feathers off the Gunjin in the intervening seconds? I think some other way of getting Aramzedo to fight with them "in person" needs to be found. Maybe Mikey can INSULT Aramzedo somehow, maybe dissing him as a collector for some reason... maybe Mikey can even claim to be a BETTER collector than Aramzedo.
And Raph's "pipsqeak geek" line is a bit off, given that they have yet to SEE Aramzedo -- how does Raph know he's a "pipsqueak geek"? Maybe Raph could more logically insult Aramzedo as "a geeky collector doofus" or something like that.

18.) Re: the following:

"A GLOWING SURGE OF ELECTRICITY flows all over Aramzedo’s body up to Donatello and SHOCKS him.
The impact zaps him off to land woozy on the ground.
DONATELLO
I smell popcorn…where’s the butter…?"

That's much more of a Mikey line.

19.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
There’s thousands of aliens!  How will you handle all of it?
GUNJIN LEADER
We have someone very organized to help us…
TRUE ARAMZEDO, the tiny alien, carrying a CLIPBOARD, runs after one of the Pack-bots.
ARAMZEDO
No!  Take him to Hanger 11!  First we will alphabetize all the aliens!  Then we will arrange them according to size!  Alphabetize – so commands ARAMZEDO!!
Everybody laughs as we…"

This is clever and funny... but not, as it stands, very logical. For it to make sense, there should be some reason that Aramzedo has agreed to do this -- I mean, hasn't this guy spent years collecting all these aliens? Why then would he help to repatriate them? Perhaps this could be tweaked as follows:

"DONATELLO
There’s thousands of aliens!  How will you handle all of it?
GUNJIN LEADER
In exchange for his OWN freedom, we have persuaded someone very organized to help us…
TRUE ARAMZEDO, the tiny alien, carrying a CLIPBOARD, runs after one of the Pack-bots.
ARAMZEDO
No!  Take him to Hanger 11!  First we will alphabetize all the aliens!  Then we will arrange them according to size!  Alphabetize – so commands ARAMZEDO!!
Everybody laughs as we…"

-- Pete

Blast from the Past #526: January 3, 2006: Re: 140 ("DNA is Thicker than Water") First Draft

Subj: Re: 140 ("DNA is Thicker than Water") First Draft
Date: Tuesday, January 3, 2006 8:37:12 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my comments on the Ep. 140 first draft. Unfortunately, as sometimes happens, expansion from an outline to a full-blown script has made the story's basic problems that much more visible.


1.) Re: the following:

"DARIUS
BAH!  The only thing you have lead these losers to is FAILURE!  Time and again!  The only way your total incompetence could prove to be an asset is if, if you joined the Turtles!"

I think there is one too many "if"s in that last line.


2.) Re: the following:

"ON DARK RAPH – he <SWINGS> at Darius, but his arms stops midway.  He can’t strike!  Dark Raph looks at his arm, shocked!
DARIUS looks smug.
DARIUS
<smug chortle>. You think I would risk life and limb with you savages without some precautions?  Recall the hypnotic suggestion I had implanted in your oh-so-small minds. You can’t hurt me…
WIDER ANGLE ON DARIUS – his BATTLE-SUIT AWAKENS and approaches behind his back. It COCKS ITS WEAPONS AT THE DARK TURTLES.
ON DARK TURTLES – they look up WORRIED as the SHADOW of the battle-suit looms over them.
DARIUS (O/C CONT’D)
…I on the other hand, CAN hurt you… "

Nothing wrong with this per se -- but I'm wondering if an equally good or maybe a little better bit would be to have the "hypnotic suggestion" thing be a little more extensive, allowing Darius to punish the Dark Turtles even if he doesn't have the protection of his battle suit with him. My idea is that the hypnotic suggestion allows Darius to not only STOP the Darks from hurting him, but also allows him to make them hurt themselves or each other. I think the image of a Dark Turtle repeatedly punching himself -- without being able to stop -- is kind of funny.


3.) Re: the following:

"DARIUS
You have a simple choice to make.  Destroy the Turtles, or be destroyed!  Now get out, and if you dare come back mired in failure again, I promise you all a very brutal demise."

Given that (even though we don't SEE it in any of the episodes) Darius has other uses for the Darks than just going after the Turtles, it seems kind of silly for him to make this all-or-nothing command, at the very least because he has already seen several times that when the Darks and the Turtles fight, the Turtles come out on top. And given how he has fallen from grace and power, I think he would be cautious about wasting ANY resource he has now. So I would suggest that he not make it a "succeed or die" proposition, but rather a "succeed or face more severe punishment" thing.


4.) Re: the following:

"RAPHAEL
Kay boys, we all know the rules of TAG!
CLOSER ON RAPH, LEO, DON, and CODY huddling and smiling as Raph points over his shoulder to Mikey. They <LAUGH> as Raph jokes.  
RAPHAEL
As usual, Mikey’s it <snicker>…TOOL!
ON MIKEY looking at them scornfully <MOCKING> their laughter.
ON RAPH, LEO, DON AND CODY – preparing to dart off!
RAPHAEL
(like “Let’s Play Ball”)
Now, let’s PLAY TAG!
The boys all <DART OFF> in different directions OFF CAMERA.
ON MIKEY – looking eager to tag someone out – he darts off!
MICHELANGELO
Ready or not…here comes the Mike-man! 
ON COUCH – we see the ends of LEO’S TASSELS duck down behind it. "

"Kay"? Is it too difficult for Raph to say "Okay"? And... "TOOL"? What's the point? And maybe the "rules of tag" have changed since I was a kid, but I'd say the Turtles DON'T know the rules. As I recall, typically the group playing the game would have some kind of ritual to determine who was "it" -- drawing straws, doing "rock/paper/scissors", something like that -- NOT three out of four of the players huddling and determining that the fourth player was "it". And then, even MORE importantly, the player who was "it" had to COVER HIS EYES and COUNT TO TEN (or five, or whatever)! That was, he wouldn't see where people hid.
Actually, this game of tag seems WICKED childish and lame for the Turtles to be playing. Boring, too. And the more I think about it, after having read the rest of the script, really unnecessary. We should use this time instead to try to make Dark Leo's "defection" more realistic/believable.


5.) Re: the following:

"ON MIKEY/DARK MIKEY – charging.  Mikey jumps over Dark Mikey.  Dark Mikey stops - confused!  Dark Mikey turns around.
ON MIKEY – he smirks, waves, and extends his left arm OFF-CAM. 
MICHELANGELO (O/C)
Over here!
Mikey speaks out of the corner of his mouth (ala ventriloquism) as CAM PANS the length of Mikey’s left arm REVEALING he has EYES painted on his hand and is doing a Senor Wences-style DUMMY.
MICHELANGELO
(in a high-pitched voice)
No…over here!
D. MIKEY looks BACK/FORTH between Mikey and his hand - CONFUSED. 
DARK MICHELANGELO
Aargh!  What manner of SORCERY IS this?"

Oh. My. God.


6.) Re: the following:

"ANGLE ON CODY as DARK DON leaps on his chest.  He <CRACKS> the DOME and reaches for CODY.  SUDDENLY DARK DON’S EYES WIDEN. 
WIDER TO REVEAL DARK LEO pulling DARK DON BY HIS TAIL. He gets him off Cody, <SWINGS> him around, and <TOSSES> him away. 
DARK DON LANDS on his back and looks up – SHOCKED!
ON DARK LEO – angry – he walks towards the grounded Dark Don.
DARK LEONARDO
I will stand for NO MORE brother! No more of this diseased life of mine!  I’m sick of the needless fighting!  Of Darius!  And mostly…of you lunatics!  Our partnership ends HERE and NOW!
ON THE RAPHS and MIKEYS – they stop fighting and look, shocked!
ON DON helping CODY up.  They both look up – totally shocked.
ON DARK LEO – he POINTS HIS SWORD at a stunned Dark Don.
DARK LEONARDO
Do not move, or there will be nothing left of you but a bad memory…"

I don't know... there's something about this scene, and most of the rest of the script, that bugs me. This "turning" of Dark Leo in the middle of this battle just doesn't play very believably. It's so abrupt, and being so abrupt and without apparent solid motivation, I doubt the Turtles would fall for it. 
I think this needs to be re-thought in a big way. I think it would work better, i.e. seem to be more convincing to the Turtles, if Dark Leo's "defection" was set up so that it APPEARS as if he doesn't know that Leo and/or the other Turtles are observing him. Here's one thought to ponder: Instead of the silly "parlor tag" in the beginning, the Turtles are engaging in a more strenuous and cool "ninja tag" outside, which involves lots of cool acrobatics and moving around a wider area. Now, unbeknownst to Leo and the other Turtles, the Dark Turtles are observing them, and have been waiting for just the right moment... which comes when Leo, who is either hiding for his brothers or searching for them, comes upon a scene which shocks and puzzles him: He sees the monstrous Dark Leo saving a group of kids/senior citizens/whatever from something -- maybe a runaway hover-sidewalk cleaner (could be anything, really) or a big sign which is crashing to the ground, etc.. The rescue also involves Dark Leo taking a significantly big physical hit (an extra bit to help convince Leo that SOMETHING has changed about this Dark Turtle). But the major point here is that because Dark Leo appears to be doing this without the knowledge that Leo is observing him, his actions and his later protestations about wanting to become a "good guy" are that much more believable and compelling.
Of course, we could include at the end of this scene a shot of one or more of the other Dark Turtles snickering evilly as it is made clear that it was THEY who had surreptitiously caused the accident that Dark Leo saved people from... all part of the plan!


7.) Re: the following:

"ON DARK DON/LEO – Dark Don CROUCHES LOW and SWIPES at DARK LEO’S RIGHT LEG furiously with his GAUNTLET ENDS. 
SLO-MO SHOT - DARK LEO falls back and <SCREAMS IN PAIN>.  RESUME REG SPEED as Dark Leo lands, winces, and holds his right leg.
STAY ON DARK DON – he jumps in the TERRORPIN and <ZOOMS> to picks up DARK MIKEY/RAPH.  The 3 DARKS FLY AWAY.
CLOSE ON DARK LEO – on the floor, holding his leg.  PAN FROM HIS FACE to his INJURED LEG.  The injury looks bad.  It OOZES FLUID.
THE TMNT and TURTLE-X approach him.  They look sorry for him. 
DONATELLO
Whoa!  That cut looks bad – real bad."

I'm somewhat confused about this whole "leg wound" bit. Is it for real? Or is it a minor injury which Dark Leo is exaggerating so he can later strike at the Turtles while they think he is still not fully functional? It's really not clear, but one thing that IS clear is the the Turtles would NOT be so stupid as to not check it out thoroughly through various tests, scans, etc., which would reveal whether it was a serious injury or not.


8.) Re: the following:

"CAM PULLS OUT TO REVEAL DARK LEO in a Hannibal style HARNESS AND CART.  His RIGHT LEG is BANDAGED.  Dark Leo comes to and STRUGGLES AND <SNARLS> to try and release himself."

By "Hannibal style HARNESS AND CART", I'm assuming that the writer means the type of restraints that Hannibal Lechter was put in when moved from his prison cell in the "Silence of the Lambs" movie... and if so, I think it's silly. Why not have a set up like the brig in the various "Star Trek" TV series -- a small, reinforced room with a protective force field as a doorway? It would make the Turtles' interactions with Dark Leo easier and not look so goofy.


9.) Re: the following:

"ON RAPH & CODY.  Raph holds a BOWL and a SPOONFUL OF SOUP to DARK LEO.  Dark Leo <TURNS HIS HEAD> refusing soup.  Raph continues to try to feed him.  Dark Leo suddenly SNAPS at the spoon.  Raph/Cody look at the spoon.  It’s MISSING ITS TOP HALF.  They are stunned as Dark Leo <SPITS OUT> half of the spoon."

This is just ridiculous. Why do the Turtles need to SPOON-FEED Dark Leo? He doesn't know how to feed himself? I suspect this and more silly stuff which follows is connected to Dark Leo being in his "Hannibal style HARNESS AND CART"... and I really think we need to get rid of that bit.


10.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
Thanks Raphie boy!"

I don't think Don calls Raph "Raphie boy", but Mike would.


11.) Re: the following:

"ON MIKEY AND LEO as 2 “TRICERATONS” run at them from each side.  Mikey and Leo lock arms, BACK TO BACK, and execute (2) 360 QUADRUPLE kicks (they leap and resemble a propeller as their legs spin together) <KNOCKING> both Tri’s back.  They land."

I hope somebody knows how to visualize this move, because I sure can't. Also, I hope that when visualized, it makes sense.


12.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO
I’ve got a plan.  One that ensures my family is unharmed, and your family is not betrayed.  But, we’ll need to work together, for the first, and last time. "

Leo's plan, as it plays out later in the script, is kind of goofy. We're expected to believe that:


-- when the Dark Turtles show up at Cody's penthouse, break in and split up, Dark Leo and Leo have enough time to fight and "hogtie" each Dark Turtle before any of the three Dark Turtles can reach any of the Turtles' bedrooms


-- when Leo and Dark Leo fight with and subdue all three Dark Turtles, none of the Dark Turtles realize that Dark Leo is one of the two are are fighting them


-- while all this is going on, Splinter, Raph, Don and Mike sleep through it... some ninjas THEY are!


I won't get into how silly it is that the Dark Turtles are so quickly and easily beaten. I sure hope Leo starts carrying that bola around with him when they ever fight the Dark Turtles again!
I do think that it would make sense for Leo to enlist all the others' help in beating the Dark Turtles so that his plan will work.


13.) Re: the following:

"ON CLEARING WHERE DARK DON & DARK RAPH LAY TIED.  DARK MIKEY (NOW HOGTIED) lands between them. He does a silly smile.
DARK MICHELANGELO
You guys come here often?"

Dark Mike's line here is LAME.


-- Pete

Blast from the Past #525: January 1, 2006: Re: 138 ("Race For Glory") Second Draft, Re: 139 ("Head of State") Second Draft, and Re: 141 ("The Cosmic Completist") Outline

Subj: Re: 138 ("Race For Glory") Second Draft
Date: Sunday, January 1, 2006 6:09:40 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my comments on the Ep. 138 second draft. All in all, a fun romp, with a few minor problems.


1.) Re: the following:

"*LEONARDO
Yeah, right after “lazy!” All this push-button future technology is making you soft, Mikey.  Not to mention flabby."

Not only does Leo not say "Yeah", but this "Yeah" is extraneous anyway.


2.) Re: the following:

"ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
A no-holds-barred, rubber-burning rumble, whose only limitation is the imagination of the designers of these technological marvels."

I won't get insanely picky about this, but I would like to emphasize that -- contrary to what is implicit in the phrase "no-holds-barred" -- there ARE some rules to this race. One way to do this would be to tweak the above line as follows:


"ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
A no-holds-barred, rubber-burning road race rumble, whose only limitation is the imagination of the designers of these technological marvels."


3.) Re: the following:

""DONATELLO
Fasten your seatbelts and hold onto lunches, bros.  We’re gonna start this race with a bang!"

Don doesn't say "gonna".


4.) Re: the following:

"Falcon holds out his hand to shake Don’s hand as Leo and Mikey scramble inside the Hovershell.
* FALCON
Name’s Falcon.  
DONATELLO
Well, hop aboard, Mr. Falcon.  You just earned yourself a ride! 
RAPH plops an O’NEIL TECH CAP on Godman’s head, smirking at Biggles, who <HARUMPFS>."

It occurred to me while reading this that -- because "Falcon" is not a common name, Raph maybe should make the connection between this kid and the Godman Falcon he encountered in the "Across the Universe" episode in season 3.


5.) Re: the following:

"INT. HOVERSHELL – MOVING – CONTINUOUS
Don, Raph and Falcon peer out at a TUNNEL ENTRANCE up ahead.  It’s way too small for the Hovershell to fit through.  
RAPHAEL
We ain’t gonna fit!
DONATELLO
Then we’ll just have to MAKE it fit!
EXT. JERSEY FIRE PITS – CONTINUOUS
The Hovershell sheds its “shell”, which gets <SCORCHED> by the flame burst as the “TANK” half narrowly slips into the tunnel. "

I think this bit needs to be thought out a little more. Correct me if I'm wrong, but the Tank part of the HoverShell isn't "way" smaller/narrower than the "shell" part. I also think they should do something a little more sophisticated than just "peer" at the tunnel to ascertain that it is too narrow for the Hovershell to fit through it. Maybe there could be a gizmo on board the Hovershell which views the road ahead and analyzes obstacles of this nature, displaying results on a screen, which could SHOW that the Hovershell is wider than the tunnel.


6.) Re: the following:

"MICHELANGELO – presses another button on the chair.  
MICHELANGELO
Who says I have to get up?  Presto!
THE DRIVER’S SEAT – suddenly <BLASTS> free and up out of the roof like an ejector seat…
…But the Bot remains clinging to the steering wheel!"

HOW does Mike know that this particular button will activate the ejector seat -- is it labeled as such? And, if so, and the bot is clinging to the STEERING WHEEL, why does Mike think ejecting the SEAT will solve the problem?


7.) Re: the following:

"Suddenly the Hovershell <SOARS> INTO VIEW above/behind the Triple Tank.  
ON HOVERSHELL – As it swoops down on the Triple Tank, a hatch opens… and out comes Raph – on his motorcycle!  He <ROARS> down… "

Why is the Hovershell suddenly FLYING? And is this the smaller Hover TANK part, or the larger SHELL part? And... didn't we see Raph load the bike into the Hovershell's "trunk" earlier? I assume the "trunk" is in the back and part of the SHELL part of the Hovershell... which, if memory serves, was jettisoned by DOn so that the TANK part could make it through the fire tunnel. How then has the SHELL part caught up with the TANK part? Or am I missing something?


8.) Re: the following:

"As they approach the FINISH LINE, Raph weaves his bike all over the track, trying to avoid the Triple Tank’s tractor beam.   
* ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
WAIT! There’s still an active team in play! It’s—Yes! It’s the O’Neiltech team! But Triple Threat is closing in."

So... is this move with the bike a "legal" one? Do the race rules allow such a thing? Seems... odd.


-- Pete

-------------------------------------


Subj: Re: 139 ("Head of State") Second Draft
Date: Sunday, January 1, 2006 6:11:00 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my comments on the EP. 139 second draft. This is significantly improved, but it still has problems.


1.) Re: the following:

"32. * MICHAELANGELO
Way ahead of ya’! Let’s house-train this puppy!


WIDE on Turtles, Mikey’s nunchuk “electro-cable” unceremoniously unravels, rendering his weapon useless.


33. * RAPHAEL
Whoa! Who took out my batteries?!"

I understand that Raph's weapons have also been "powered down", but it seems a bit odd that he has the "batteries" line, when in the preceding line it's MIKE who is shown.


2.) Re: the following:

"47. * DONATELLO
He appears to be neutralized.


* The Mouser’s tongue suddenly shoots out form the pile, knocking over the Turtles.


* ON MOUSER as it emerges from the rubble and <ROARS>.


* ON TURTLES, collapsed on the ground.


48. * RAPHAEL
Don, tell me again why you’re the “smart” Turtle?"

Minor point -- this is fine as is -- but would this be funnier if it were just DON who gets knocked over by the thing's tongue instead of all of the Turtles?


3.) Re: the following:

"* ON BISHOP as he grabs one of the dropped laser rifles.


49. BISHOP
It’s time this mouse bit back."

This line is kind of odd. It really only works (sort of) if Bishop knows at this point that this monster they are fighting is some variation of the original Mousers... does he know this? How?


4.) Re: the following:

"* CLOSE ON BISHOP AND LEO, face to face, on the floor.


50. * LEONARDO
Um. You all right?


51. * BISHOP
Yes.
(beat, clearly uncomfortable)
You can get off me now."

Weird. Silly. Let's lose it.


5.) Re: the following:

"* OTS MOUSER AS Leo flings the flagpole/javelin past its head. It looks up to follow the projectile.


* CLOSE ON CHANDELIER FIXTURE as the flagpole slices it.


ON MOUSER, looking up in confusion and <GRUNTING>.


WIDE ON ROOM as the chandelier <CRASHES> onto the Mouser.


THE MOUSER <WHIMPERS> and burrows a hole into the floor, escaping."

It seems odd that a mere chandelier falling on its back would make this monster "whimper" and run off -- hasn't it already taken a lot more abuse than that during this fight? Maybe instead of being "sliced off", Leo's javelin throw DISLODGES the chandelier from the ceiling, so that when it falls, it's still connected to whatever power source makes it light up (we could even do a quick shot of the wire connected to it ripping through the ceiling, if necessary), so that when it hits the monster, the monster is agonizingly JOLTED by the electricity flowing through this huge light fixture.


6.) Re: the following:

"* ON TURTLES as they clamber aboard Bishop’s HoverCar.


70. RAPHAEL
Don’t tell me that thing’s got a tongue too!


ON BISHOP (THROUGH WINDSHIELD) as he takes the controls.


71. BISHOP
Not quite."

I assume this line from Bishop refers to the WINGS that this Mouser has. If so -- how does he know? If the answer is "because he helped make them", then I'm confused -- I thought these things has been tweaked and remodeled by Baxter Stockman over the years. How, then, would Bishop recognize each monster's specific features?
That aside, I think this exchange between Raph and Bishop is kind of lame and extraneous.
(Actually, as I re-read the whole Mouser-chases-hovercar sequence, I don't see any mention of wings. Have they been taken out? If so, how does this Mouser keep up with a FLYING CAR?)


7.) Re: the following:

" 72. BIGGLES
As a d-d-duly ap-p-pointed PeaceKeeper of New York City, I r-request you cease any and all il-l-legal activities."

Minor point -- would a Peacekeeper "request" or "demand" that someone "cease all illegal activities"?


8.) Re: the following:

"92. * RAPHAEL
Well, we got rid of Bishop and that monster! I call that a good day’s work. Pizza’s on me!"

I think we have a new winner in the "Dumbass Dialogue" contest. This is really, REALLY bad.


9.) Re: the following:

"93. * LEONARDO
There’s more of those creatures down there. And Bishop might be our only link to defeating them. This is far from over."

Is Leo now an actual PSYCHIC? I think he speaks with a bit too much absolute certainty here. How about this small tweak?


"93. * LEONARDO
Something tells me there’s probably more of those creatures down there. And Bishop might be our only link to defeating them. This is far from over."


10.) Re: the following:

"* WIDE ON TURTLES as the force field appears to surround them.


103. * DONATELLO
A force field! Find the override!"

"FInd the override"?! WTF?


11.) Re: the following:

"122. BISHOP
Someone, help!


RACK FOCUS to an alien foot in the foreground. It stops.


CLOSE ON ALIEN as he turns around. He looks at his captor.


ALIEN POV OF BISHOP-


123. BISHOP
Please..."

This begging and pleading bit is not Bishop at all, and in any event, it's extraneous -- the key thing here is that the alien saves him. In fact, it might be even MORE dramatic if the alien saves Bishop WITHOUT Bishop asking for its help.


12.) Re: the following:

" 124. BISHOP (VO)
He saved my life...
DISSOLVE TO:


* BACK TO WIDE ON BISHOP AND TURTLES-


125. BISHOP (CONT’D)
An alien. I imprisoned him, used him to create a race of monsters for war, and still, he saved me.


PAN ACROSS TURTLES’ FACES. They’re moved by Bishop’s story.




126. BISHOP (OS, CONT’D)
And if he, after everything, could show mercy. How could I dare do less.


* CLOSE ON BISHOP, still within his prison.


127. * BISHOP (CONT’D)
And so, I sought out allies instead of enemies. The Earth Protection Force became the Galactic Alliance. And I knew that peace, not war, was the answer to safety."

I'm still having some problems with the facile nature of this change in Bishop. Not that we have to go into great length and great detail, but I would like to somehow suggest that Bishop's monumental change of heart -- though SPURRED by this incident with the alien saving him -- didn't happen overnight. Here's what I suggest:


" 124. BISHOP (VO)
He saved my life...
DISSOLVE TO:


* BACK TO WIDE ON BISHOP AND TURTLES-


125. BISHOP (CONT’D)
An alien. I imprisoned him, treated him as a mere unwilling biomatter donor to be used in the creation of a race of monsters for war against his kind... and still, he saved me.


PAN ACROSS TURTLES’ FACES. They’re moved by Bishop’s story.




126. BISHOP (OS, CONT’D)
Try as I might, I could not get this incident out of my mind. If this alien, after everything, could show mercy... how could I dare do less? And, gradually, my attitude towards these beings changed. 


* CLOSE ON BISHOP, still within his prison.


127. * BISHOP (CONT’D)
I came to realize  that friendship and cooperation, not suspicion and xenophobia, was the key to peace and safety. And so, I sought out alien species as allies instead of enemies. The Earth Protection Force eventually became a founding element of the Galactic Alliance. "


13.) Re: the following:

"* CLOSE ON HUGE MOUSER as it turns around. Strapped to its back is BAXTER STOCKMAN! His pulsating brain can be seen beneath grafts of alien flesh, sewn together like an intergalactic Frankenstein’s Monster."

Maybe I'm not seeing what the writer intends, but the vision I get in my head when reading this description of Stockman doesn't do much for me.
It also just occurred to me while reading this that we have an opportunity here to bring Stockman's various transfigurations "full circle", in a way, by TURNING HIM INTO A MOUSER! In other words, instead of just having him "strapped to the back" of a Mouser, he has actually managed to incorporate his brain into the alien flesh of one of these monsters. I think it would make for a much more interesting visual.


14.) Re: the following:

"* ON BISHOP as the huge mouser places him within the CEREBRAL TRANSPLANT MACHINE. Two steel slabs are connected through a series of cables and computers. At the head of each slab is a complex array of sharp blades.


137. * BAXTER (OS)
In a moment, titanium blades will sever your cranium just above the supraorbital process. Your brain will be extracted in favor of a, shall we say..."

It might be creepy and fun if we did a bit where Baxter's machines start to PREPARE Bishop's head for the transplant, by first SHAVING it (and this could later be fodder for gags, if appropriate, from Mike or Raph about Bishop having to join "Hair Club For Men", wigs, etc.), then using a kind of MARKER to draw onto Bishop's now-shaved head the lines where his skull will be cut open!


15.) Re: the following:

" 145. * LEONARDO
Let’s go guys! The bigger they are, the harder they fall!"

Might be fun to have Raph or Mike give a rejoinder to Leo's "rah rah" line here, something to the effect of "... As long as they don't fall ON you!"


16.) Re: the following:

"* ON BAXTER, shoulders hunched, BACK TO CAMERA.


178. * BAXTER
It’s gone. My Mousers. My lab. All gone.


* He turns TO CAMERA, eyes quivering with hidden tears.


179. * BAXTER
And you saved me from it. Thank you."

I know we only have twenty minutes or so to tell these tales, but I REALLY have a problem with these instantaneous character shifts, ESPECIALLY with someone as twisted and deformed (mentally AND physically) as Baxter Stockman. It would be good if we could reconfigure this scene so it doesn't play so simplistically and sappily. Maybe we could have Bishop help Baxter to understand -- using Bishop's own experience as a guide -- that even though it doesn't happen overnight, it IS possible to change even long-hardened hearts.


17.) Re: the following:

"184. * MICHAELANGELO
Let’s hope it doesn’t put us out of a job.


185. * LEONARDO
Mikey, I got a feeling that’s not going to be a problem..."

That Leo line is written like it should be coming out of Raph's mouth. Let's have Raph say it.


-- Pete

---------------------------------------


Subj: Re: 141 ("The Cosmic Completist") Outline
Date: Sunday, January 1, 2006 6:11:48 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,

Here are my comments on the Ep. 141 outline.

1.) Re: the following:

"The countdown commences, and the O Neill Tech Shuttle soars skyward! ( (Leader IG tells his story to the Turtles. In FLASHBACK we see snippets of the story:"

As evidenced by the fact that the Turtles are going into space with the IG leader, the IG has obviously already told his story -- or at least enough of it to convince the Turtles to help him. It should NOT appear as if this was the first time he has told the Turtles his story. So I think that should be made clear here, and the exposition by the IG is EXTRA exposition, i.e. more details about the IG's dilemma, within which we can also lay out the basics of the problem which the Turtles have already heard (between the end of the Teaser and the beginning of Act One).

2.) Re: the following:

"   Unknown reptile mutate variation. Rarity: Unique. Price guide value: unknown. Not on checklist. Not slated for collection.

Aramzedo practically falls out of his chair at the potential the Turtles represent. He orders the robot to collect the Turtles,   They will make perfect additions to my ultimate COLLECTION!! "

I wonder if it might be funnier if Aramzedo doesn't see the Turtles as being such great collectibles, but -- like many collectors -- sees them as "tradeable items" which he can trade with another collector for something he REALLY wants. This "low grading" insult could really get Mikey's goat!

3.) Re: the following:

"INSIDE THE SHIP   Aramzedo boasts a facetious welcome to their   new home. It s a wondrous ship inside made up of multiple   glass encased platforms that look like small slices of alien cities or cross sections of buildings. (Playsets!)

They also find an immense collection room of oversized glass cases, containing all of the quarry Aramzedo has captured over the years mounted on polymer-wrapped cards (which act like life-support systems for the folks in the airtight polymer). "

I think it would be cool and fun to continue the "collectible toy on blister-packed card" analogy even further, and actually SHOW the creation of the "backing board" or "card" that the IG leader is going to be put on. A Pack-Bot or a variant of the Pack-Bot could be seen using a laser or torch and cutting a backing board out of some sheets of a stiff substance -- could be metal or plastic. Another Bot could be spraying on the name and pertinent details of the IG leader on the card.
Then we see the IG, encased in the polymer, being sealed to the card like an action figure in its "blister pack". (Had an idea for this, too, kind of riffing off the old sci-fi concept of "slow glass" -- this is "slow plastic", a special kind of polymer which when fully engulfing an organism, slows down that organism's body functions and metabolism to the point where it is as if time has stopped for them and they are preserved -- "mint on card"! -- essentially forever.

4.) Re: the following:

"Aramzedo protests that no one is allowed in his Trophy Room but him! He is aghast at the wide variety of   contaminants that the Turtles are dragging around with them, and that the smallest germ can wreck his collection!"

It would be fun to satirize here the obsessive "handling rules" that some collectors have for their prizes -- don't get fingerprints on the plastic, only pick it up in a certain way, etc..

5.) Re: the following:

"Mikey realizes that Aramzedo has stacked the deck. He has no intention of the Turtles damaging his collection &in fact &   Those balls are what Aramzedo keeps these things in to keep them in mint condition.
Raph,   Mikey s really lost his geeky marbles now.
Don:   No, he s right. He s using his head. The balls, they re used to contain the Dokepals   they re Dokepal-proof. We can use the balls against them. "

A little bit of a logic problem here: If Aramzedo is using these protective balls to keep his collection of Dokepals "mint", why then is he sending them into battle against the Turtles WITHOUT their protective balls? I think this could be saved by having Mike just make that leap of logic (that they can use the balls against the Dokepals) by intuiting that they must be really hard/dense because Aramzedo -- as a great collector -- would want his precious Dokepals to be protected in their containers.

6.) Re: the following:

"Aramzedo would probably be unbeatable even if the Turtles were rested. As it is, it s a hopeless fight. He s quick, he s clever and he s gigantic.

He s analyzed all the data his Pack-Bot sent him and knows how the Turtles fight."

This "Instant Fight Analysis" bit was pretty silly back when we had Jammerhead doing it, and it's even worse here and now.

7.) Re: the following:

"First he uses his voice-synthesizer to imitate Leo s voice, so the Turtles aren t sure if they should listen to Leo s orders or not:

Leo,   Evasive maneuvers, divert him with multiple target areas.
Mikey,   Dude, is that you or not you?
Leo,   It s me, bro.
Mikey,   Me, you? Or me, him?

Then Aramzedo dodges the Turtles weapons, cross vectoring them and setting them up to collide and strike each other. (Aramzedo:   Aramzedo is the master of all action accessories, puny ones! )
With the Turtles disoriented and stunned, Aramzedo efficiently polymers and cards the Turtles one by one."

This is all incredibly lame.

8.) Re: the following:

"Raph wirelessly uploads the DNA data hologram from Don s gauntlet.

Projecting the hologram, Raph, taunts Aramzedo that he has the rarest of all items for Aramzedo s collection, but his Pack-Bots aren t powerful enough to catch this quarry.†

Aramzedo, infuriated, orders his robots to scan the hologram to add this quarry to their checklist for immediate collection. †

The Pack-Bots do, and upload Aramzado s DNA signature into their databanks...to   acquire at all costs!

Programmed with the bio-signature of Aramzedo, they attack him.†With Aramzedo occupied, Raph frees his brothers, while the Leader IG frees his crew!

Aramzedo, struggles, polymer-bound, immobilized. "

When did Raph acquire Don's gauntlet? Or is the writer saying that
somehow Raph is wirelessly accessing Don's gauntlet to use its memory to display the DNA hologram? Doesn't that seem just a little bit strange coming from non-techno Raph?
And I have to say that this whole bit with the display of the DNA is all pretty weak, given that a whole bunch of logic has to be ignored to make it work. I think we need to find a better way of having the Turtles defeat this guy.

9.) Re: the following:

"Raph picks up the kicking and screaming Aramzedo, who painlessly bops him on the nose.

  Hey Mikey, Raph says,   I ve got the perfect item to start your new collection!"

While it would be cool to have a kind of "poetic justice" ending where the collector becomes the collected, this is not it.

-- Pete

Ask PL #9

I was just about to do another post of emails from the development of "Fast Forward" when I realized that I'd posted the last one from 2005 yesterday. So rather than jump right into 2006 today, I thought it might be fun to do another "Ask PL". Got any questions? -- PL

Blast from the Past #524: December 25, 2005: Re: 139 ("Head of State") First Draft, December 28, 2005: Re: 138 ("Race For Glory") First draft, and December 29, 2005: Re: Episode #143 ("Zixxth Sense") Premise

Subj: Re: 139 First Draft
Date: Sunday, December 25, 2005 1:55:13 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my comments on the Ep. 139 first draft.


1.) Re: the following:

"3. LEONARDO
Come on, guys! Bishop is President now! He’s a good guy, and he needs our help!"

There's something a bit simpleminded in Leo's line here -- I think it's the idea that his first words to convince the other Turtles that they should help Bishop are "Bishop is President now!"... as if simply by being "President", a person becomes worthy of the Turtles' help.
And the phrase "He's a good guy" is also a bit much -- given the Turtles' history with Bishop, they should NEVER completely trust him, even if he does seem to have "changed his spots".


2.) Re: the following:

"CLOSE ON BISHOP. He throws Raph a glare.


11. BISHOP
I need your help. I’m being hunted. By an underground... monster.


ON TURTLES. A beat. They bust out <LAUGHING!>


12. LEONARDO Monster?!


13. MICHAELANGEO You sure it’s not the boogeyman?!


14. RAPHAEL Maybe he needs a nightlight!


15. DONATELLO (trying to stifle laughter) What does your... “monster” look like?"

This is utterly inane and out of character. Why the SHELL would all of the Turtles LAUGH at Bishop's mention of an "underground monster"? Haven't they encountered enough of said type of creatures on their own? What's so freakin' FUNNY???!!


3.) Re: the following:

"ON TURTLES as they approach Bishop.


22. DONATELLO I take it that’s the monster!


23. BISHOP My Security’s never battled anything like this; you have! I need your help!"

I appreciate the attempt to give Bishop a rationale for asking for the Turtles' help, but I don't think the fact that his security guards have "never battled anything like this" is good enough. I believe that the REAL reason should be that Bishop knows they have special skills and a LOT of experience in the underground realms, and as THAT is where these monsters seem to be coming from, he figures the Turtles might be able to help him out.


4.) Re: the following:

"ON MOUSER as it’s elongated tongue whips out, wraps around a <SCREAMING> GUARD and throws him across the room.


BACK ON BISHOP AND THE TURTLES as they cringe at the disgusting sight."

Given the types of extreme and revolting things the Turtles and Bishop have all experienced before, it seems silly that they would "cringe" as this tongue action.


5.) Re: the following:

"CLOSE ON BISHOP, pressed against the wall. The Mouser’s huge mouth comes within inches of Bishop’s cringing face."

"Cringing"? When did Bishop become such a weenie?


6.) Re: the following:

"ON MOUSER, recovering from its crash into the thick marble wall, emerges from a pile of rubble. It clamors to its feet and <ROARS> just as the Turtles’ makeshift battering ram crashes into it, knocking the beast back down."

I believe it's "clambers", not "clamors". From Websters:


"clamber: to climb awkwardly (as by scrambling)  *clambered over the rocks*"


7.) Re: the following:

"OTS MIKEY as he and Don strain to push the table against the beast.


40. DONATELLO
I think he’s down for the count!


<CRACK!> The Mouser’s massive tongue rips through the table, mere inches from impaling Don’s head.


41. DONATELLO
<GULP!> Guess not!


ON LEO, MIKEY AND DON as they try to restrain the Mouser by pushing their weight against the table. However, the creature’s tongue continues to rip through the table like a retracting fleshy spear. The three Turtles move in a funky spasms to avoid the trashing tongue."

This is SO not Ninja Turtle-style fighting. The whole "grab a table and push it against the monster and hope for the best" bit is a silly desperation move, and for Don to say "I think he’s down for the count!" is just plain dopey. And then they just stay there pushing against the table while the thing's tongue repeatedly rips through it!


8.) Re: the following:

"WIDE as the Mouser’s tongue, firmly holding Donatello’s leg, hoists him into the air.


ON LEO, RAPH AND MIKEY, staring at their friend.


45. MICHAELANGELO That can’t be good."

Lame line (stating the freakin' OBVIOUS) and lame (in)action -- why are the other three just STARING instead of doing something to help? Ridiculous.


9.) Re: the following:

"ON LEO, MIKEY AND RAPH as they grab dozens of interplanetary flags and throw them like spears at the Mouser.


46. MICHAELANGELO
Hail to the chief, dude!"

"Hail to the chief"? WTF?


10.) Re: the following:

"ON TURTLES as they clamor aboard Bishop’s HoverCar."

See point 6 re: "clamor".


11.) Re: the following:

"67. DONATELLO
Now would be a good time to take off.


ON HUGE MOUSER as it prepares to spit more acid slime.


CLOSE ON HOVERCAR CONTROLS, Bishop’s hand hits the ignition. <VROOM!>


68. BISHOP Take off!"

Not only is Bishop's line silly (why is he saying "Take off"? -- he sounds like a kid playing in a rocketship made out of a cardboard box), but it's also very awkward immediately following Don's line which ENDS in "take off".


12.) Re: the following:

"79. LEONARDO
Alright! Power’s back on!"

"Alright" = bad. "All right" = good.


13.) Re: the following:

"ON TURTLES as Leo, Don, Mikey and Raph all use their respective weapons to try and fight off the attacking teeth."

"Try and" = bad. "Try to" = good.


14.) Re: the following:

"ON BISHOP, randomly pressing buttons and futilely pulling the controls. The HoverCar’s Muzak continues."

Why is Bishop "randomly" pushing buttons? Doesn't he know what he's doing?


15.) Re: the following:

"86. BISHOP
Not unless he scared of crashing HoverCars! We’re going down!"

I think that "he" should be "he's".


16.) Re: the following:

"EWS as the HoverCar, little more than a spec, dives straight down, leaving a thin trail of smoke.


EXT. DOWNTOWN NEW YORK - DAY


WIDE on old and dilapidated buildings. Silence. Then, <CRASH!> The HoverCar smashes through the brick façade.


ON HOVERCAR as it skids along FDR Drive until finally crashing into an abandoned tenement."

How is it that the Hovercar is plummeting STRAIGHT DOWN and then is going SIDEWAYS?
And...isn't this 100 years in the future? Does New York City REALLY still have "abandoned tenements"?


17.) Re: the following:

"ON BISHOP, unfastening his seatbelt.


88. BISHOP
We’re still in Manhattan. If we-"

Huh? I don't get it. What is the significance of being "still in Manhattan"?


18.) Re: the following:

"LEO, RAPH AND MIKEY stand in the sewer. They are frozen in awe, their mouths agape at some unseen marvel."

I'm REALLY getting tired of the Turtles stopping and staring in this script. Given what they have experienced in their lives, I doubt that anything here would "awe" them, let alone FREEZE them in awe.


19.) Re: the following:

"WIDE/HIGH ANGLE ON TURTLES as they walk through the Concourse. Each cranes his neck, trying to take in the unbelievable sight. Glowing machinery pumps power and light through wires that crisscross the station.


100. LEONARDO
It’s the old Penn Station!


101. DONATELLO
It must have collapsed underground during the New York Earthquake of 2055."

Hmm... that must have been the earthquake where NOBODY NOTICED THAT THE OLD PENN STATION WENT MISSING!!! Come ON! 


20.) Re: the following:

"BISHOP is bound to one of the slabs with metal restraints.


105. BISHOP
Get me out of here!


The Turtles run INTO FRAME and try to pry him free.


106. BISHOP
Hurry up, before he comes back!


CLOSE ON LEONARDO as he pulls on the restraints."

Hmm... too bad Leo doesn't carry a powerful blade which can cut through almost anything, so he is reduced to trying to "pry" Bishop free. Oh, wait -- HE DOES!!!


21.) Re: the following:

"107. LEONARDO
Erg! Almost got it- Hey... What’s this?


LEO’S POV of the metal restraint. It’s engraved with “EPF”.


108. LEONARDO (OC)
EPF? That’s the Earth Protection Force.


ON DON, MIKEY AND RAPH. Concerned, they no longer pry at Bishop’s bonds."

So let's recap -- Bishop has been kidnapped by a huge monster, taken underground, and strapped helplessly to a table in a weird laboratory. But when the Turtles see "EPF" on Bishop's restraints, they (a) immediately assume it stands for "Earth Protection Force", and (b) stop trying to free Bishop from the restraints. Am I the only one who thinks this scene is ridiculous?


22.) Re: the following:

112. BISHOP
We don’t time for this! You need to get me out of here!"

I think the word "have" is missing from between "don't" and "time".


23.) Re: the following:

"CLOSE ON RAPH, resolute.


113. RAPHAEL
Forget it! You want freedom? We want answers! What’s going on?!"


Maybe it's just me, but the idea that -- in these circumstances --  the Turtles would leave Bishop strapped to this table while they question him is simply inane.


24.) Re: the following:

"116. BISHOP (VO, CONT’D)
We were under the threat of alien invasion. The Earth Protection Force was our only line of defense. We converted Penn Station into a massive genetic research lab.


ON BISHOP as he walks through the lab. His face distorts as he crosses the myriad of glass beakers and tubes in the foreground.


117. BISHOP (VO, CONT’D)
It was the perfect location. We’d be able to ship our “soldiers” to anywhere in the world at a moment’s notice."

How is old Penn Station the "perfect location" to "ship our “soldiers” to anywhere in the world"? Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't it just a train station?
The further we get into this story, the more ridiculous this whole Penn Station thing becomes. I realize it's a cool visual, but it really doesn't make a whole lot of sense.


25.) Re: the following:

"135. BISHOP (CONT’D)
And so I disbanded the EPF, founded the Galactic Alliance and worked for peace."

I sense a lot of shorthand going on here. Could Bishop have disbanded the EPF? Did he have that authority? And even if he did, would he really disband it completely? I mean, just because ONE alien showed him mercy, does that mean that ALL aliens would do so, i.e. be "good guys"? And did he really found the Galactic Alliance all by himself? Here's a possible alternative:


"135. BISHOP (CONT’D)
And so I reconfigured the mission of the EPF, and began seeking out aliens races which could be allies... and that eventually led to the founding of the Galactic Alliance."


26.) As it has already been noted that the appearance of Baxter Stockman is inconsistent with existing continuity, I won't go into it.


27.) Re: the following:

"154. LEONARDO
Sorry, Doc. We can’t let you do that!"

I don't think Leo would refer to Stockman as "Doc".


28.) Re: the following:

173. DONATELLO (OS)
I think I got it!"

I think Don would more likely say " I think I HAVE it!"


29.) As noted, the ending IS very abrupt, and if the point is to begin to rehabilitate Baxter Stockman, I think we need to have a more compelling argument than just saying "Bishop is a good guy now!" 


-- Pete

-----------------------------------------

Subj: Re: 138 First draft
Date: Wednesday, December 28, 2005 10:37:31 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my comments on the Ep. 138 first draft.


1.) Re: the following:

"RAPHAEL
Donnie jus’ hooked up my bike to dis VR simulator thingy."

Why is Raph sounding like a street thug? Please replace "jus'" with "just" and "dis" with "this".


2.) Re: the following:

"He <TAPS> Mikey lightly on the belly with one of his swords.  Mikey rises to his feet indignantly and sucks in his gut, <PATTING> it proudly.  
MICHELANGELO
Whachoo talkin’ ‘bout?  This is one hundred percent muscle.
He <EXHALES>.  And his BELT <POPS> off.  He slumps back down to the couch defensively.
MICHELANGELO
And CLEARLY they don’t make belts like they used to!"

Let's try to remember that Mikey's "gut" is actually a SHELL, and is not flexible as (mis)used here. And all in all, this is a silly, irrelevant bit that will not be missed.


3.) Re: the following:

"LEO - <SLASHES> at the Hover Tray, which <ZIPS> away as his  swords <SLICE> through the mount holding up Raph’s motorcycle, sending him <SPINNING OUT> in the middle of Cody’s Holo Data."

This seems pointless and also unrealistic -- Leo is such a poor swordsman that he makes this kind of lame, novice mistake? I think it would make more sense -- if the idea is to create chaos to annoy Cody -- if Leo might slice the hover tray in two pieces, which could then spaz out and collide with Cody's Holo Data.


4.) Re: the following:

"ON PIT AREA - Donatello emerges with the tricked-out Hovershell, covered in O’NEIL TECH LOGO RACING DECALS, with a huge funny car type ENGINE and enormous JET THRUSTERS sticking out."

Outside of the racing decals, I'm not sure I'm loving the description of the modified Hovershell here -- sounds pretty dopey-looking. I will reserve final comment until I see the drawings for this.
UNLESS... part of the competition is to make your vehicle also a rolling piece of artistic expression... and these extra things are extraneous stuff which add nothing to the actual FUNCTION of the Hovershell (and in fact could be ripped/torn/blasted away if needed, to add to the "car"nage. 


5.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
Sorry to disappoint you, Raph, but there won’t be any “between heats”.  With all the modifications I’ve put in, we should make around the entire Tri-State track in just a few hours."

This is a little confusing -- I think we need to clear up WHY there are no separate "heats" in this race. The fact that the Hovershell can cover the whole track in "just a few hours" is irrelevant, I think -- in racing (at least as I understand it), "heats" are part of the competitive structure of the event in question.
Perhaps a simple way to solve this small problem would be to tweak Don's lines as follows:


"DONATELLO
Sorry to disappoint you, Raph, but there won’t be any “between heats”.  The machines entered in this race are fast enough to make it around the entire Tri-State track in just a few hours."


6.) Re: the following:

"FALCON
Mind if I take a peak under the hood?"

I think he'd rather take a "peek".


7.) Re: the following:

"ON STARTING LINE – The vehicles all take off with a <ROAR>… except for the Hovershell, which <EXPLODES> and is hurled end over end just as they launch."


Just to be clear here -- the Hovershell itself doesn't actually explode, but the Concussion Grenade underneath it does.


8.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
Fasten your seatbelts and hold onto lunches, bros.  We’re gonna start this race with a bang!"

Don doesn't say "gonna".


9.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO
Somebody juked our ride.  But who?"

"Juked"? Weird, obscure slang which doesn't even fit the situation -- I'd lose it and substitute something more common, not to mention something that Leo would be likely to say.


10.) Re: the following:

"ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Just a minute!  A new entrant has taken the track.  But he… they… it… doesn’t appear to be a registered racing team.  
IN THE GRANDSTANDS – Cody scrambles toward a group of four (human and alien) TECHNO-INDUSTRIALISTS, each dressed with their company’s logo (which correspond with logos on the vehicles).  
CODY
We need to call off the race!  Now!
HUMAN TECHNO-INDUSTRIALIST
No.  There’s too much at stake here, Jones.  For ALL of our companies.   
ALIEN TECHNO-INDUSTRIALIST
You know the rules.  Anything goes.  Besides, this new racer can’t be that much of a threat."

"Anything goes" is obviously inaccurate -- if true, then the Turtles could be flying the Hovershell or cutting the course (as would their competitors), or doing other kinds of cheating. This should be changed to reflect the idea that although the organizers won't stop the race, they WILL disqualify this illegal entrant, regardless of how he finishes.


11.) Re: the following:

"RAPHAEL
This stinks.  How we gonna stop Triple Threat if we can’t even start the engine?!"

Raph is no stranger to the use of slang, but there is no reason for him to say "How we gonna" when it's just marginally more difficult to say "How ARE we gonna", and thus not sound quite so dumb.


12.) Re: the following:

"FALCON (O.S.)
I can start it.  
Everyone turns to see… GODMAN FALCON, the kid racing fan from earlier.  He’s chewing a big wad of gum.    
FALCON (CONT’D)
But you have to promise to take me along on the race.    
DONATELLO – peers up from the engine.  It’s a mess.
DONATELLO
Look, no offence, kid, but the power couplings are blown, the manifold is cracked, and the fusion engine is about to have a small meltdown.    
MICHELANGELO – steps out of the Hovershell and puts a fresh drink in the Hover Cupholder, which is still intact.  
MICHELANGELO
But on the plus side, the cupholder is one hundred percent operational!
FALCON – whips out a ROLL OF DUCT TAPE and <RIPS> off a length.
FALCON
Mind if I take a crack at it?
In a flash, he tapes up hoses and power couplings, then grabs the laser welder from Don, rapidly fusing some more loose parts together.  For the grand finale, Falcon takes the huge wad of gum from his mouth and sticks it somewhere deep in the engine. 
FALCON
It ain’t pretty, but it’ll hold. 
DONATELLO – watches in shock as Leo flips the starter switch and the <ENGINE TURNS OVER>.  Falcon holds out his hand to shake Don’s hand as Raph and Mikey scramble inside the Hovershell."

I can see where it's a fun idea to show that this Godman Falcon kid has some clever ideas and knows a lot about racing, but this scene is just too freakin' over-the-top ridiculous.
And it's "offense", not "offence".


13.) Re: the following:

"The Serpent Speeder whips its “tail” around the track, preventing the Luxury Command Cruiser from passing."

Ridiculous. Pointless.


14.) Re: the following:

"ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
He already destroyed the refined sport of professional wrestling.  One can only imagine what he’ll do to racing!"

I think that to be consistent and correct, verb-tense-wise, it should read as follows:

"ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
He's already destroyed the refined sport of professional wrestling.  One can only imagine what he’ll do to racing!"

15.) Re: the following:

"TRIPLE THREAT – whips out a TINY ROBOT (about the size of an action figure) and tosses it onto the Luxury Command Cruiser."

If both vehicles are still moving, unless (a) the Triple Tank is AHEAD of the Luxury Command Cruiser, or (b) the little robot is self-propelled, or (c) Triple Threat is strong enough to throw the little robot with enough force to accelerate it to a speed GREATER than both vehicles, once tossed it will immediately start to fall back and MISS the Cruiser.

16.) Re: the following:

"MICHELANGELO
Thanks, bro.  I owe you one.
LEONARDO
No, you owe me fifty.  Drop and give ‘em to me now!
MICHELANGELO
Oh, man…
He drops and starts doing push-ups."

Ridiculous.


17.) Re: the following:

"RE-ESTABLISH – The Hovershell is on a collision course with a huge wall of flames.  
INT. HOVERSHELL – MOVING – CONTINUOUS
Don cuts the wheel hard.
DONATELLO
This is not my idea of burning rubber!"

That's more of a Mike or Raph line, not a Don one.


18.) Re: the following:

"TRIPLE THREAT – hops back into the Triple Tank, watching as the Hovershell tries to escape the fire pit."

Wasn't the Triple Tank way the heck up the track, slamming into the Hovershell (along with the Command Cruiser)? How did it suddenly appear back on the track where Triple Threat got knocked off?


19.) Re: the following:

"RAPHAEL
How da we get outta this charbroiler?"

Not "da. "Do". Jeez...


20.) Re: the following:

"FALCON
Don’t worry.  I know this course like the back of my hand.  Or like the holo map projected from the back of my hand."

Funny... but maybe JUST as funny (and less of a mouthful) if tweaked as follows:


"FALCON
Don’t worry.  I know this course like the holo map projected from the back of my hand."


21.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
I’m more concerned about my bros."

Don would say "brothers", not "bros".


22.) Re: the following:

"THE TURTLES – dig their weapons into the snow to prevent being dragged toward the tractor beam.  Falcon’s not so lucky.  He gets caught in the beam, which <WHOOSHES> him into the Triple Tank as it <ROARS> off.  
FALCON
Guys…  
ALL FOUR TURTLES
KID!"

Maybe it's just me, but if I were sucked away by a three-headed psycho villain's tractor beam, I'd have a more emotional reaction than "Guys..."
And WHY do all four Turtles have to yell the same thing simultaneously? Silly.


23.) The ending of this episode needs work. First, I don't like the idea that Godman Falcon himself INVENTED Planet Racing, and not just because it runs counter to what we established in the PLANET RACERS graphic novels. That whole scene at the end with the Planet Racers and an adult Godman seems like "gilding the lilly". In my opinion, it's enough that we show a gleam in young Godman's eye when he looks at Raph's bike. (Maybe he could even say something like "These things (points at Hovershell, Triple Tank, etc.) are cool... but motocycles are where it's REALLY at!")
Also -- who the heck wins this race? Is everyone disqualified? Very confusing. It would seem that the Turtles/Hovershell can't win because they FLEW during that last part of the race.


-- Pete

--------------------------------------------

Subj: Re: Episode #143 Premise
Date: Thursday, December 29, 2005 8:49:20 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my notes on the Ep. 143 premise.


1.) Not much to say about this premise -- it's good, it seems to hold together pretty well.
One thing, though (or maybe two things) -- it seems a bit much that Don, in the short time he has, can "rig up" a "fake transmitter" that will fool Zixx. A few options:


-- While the other Turtles go off with Zixx to look for the matter transmitter and are subsequently knocked out by the neural scrambler, Don has hung back to work out more calculations about the "black matter" meteor, as he has suspicions about it (and Zixx's claims). This could give him enough time (maybe) to build a fake matter transmitter.


-- Instead of actually building a fake duplicate matter transmitter, Don could do a bit of sleight of hand with the crate that contains the matter transmitter (maybe even switch it with another crate), and Zixx only discovers when he delivers the crate to Big Red that the crate has been stuffed full of (insert funny thing here) to simulate the weight of the transmitter. D'oh!


-- Don could remove a key component of the transmitter and replace it with a similar but non-functional part -- again, something Zixx discovers only when he presents the transmitter to Big Red.


The other thing is that I think Don should be suspicious of Zixx's story about the "black matter" meteor from the beginning, starting with the fact that even though this thing is supposedly invisible to normal scans, Zixx -- and only Zixx -- has a holo-tape of it. And Don thinks that the idea that only this "experimental matter transmitter" can save the Earth is a little sketchy. And he also doesn't believe that Zixx -- even though he has clearly shown himself to be a rogue and a criminal -- would blithely NOT tell anyone about the imminent approach of this meteor, when, even if EVERYONE on Earth couldn't be saved, at least a LOT of people would be able to escape on the numerous spaceships and shuttles (and maybe even an Utrom Transmat or two).
And maybe Don has also noticed some inconsistencies in the holo-tape of the black matter meteor that Zixx has shown them.


-- Pete