Blast from the Past #484: August 9, 2005: Re: TMNT Episode 119 1st Draft

Subj: Re: TMNT Episode 119 1st Draft
Date: Tuesday, August 9, 2005 12:01:44 AM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


        Here are my notes on the ep 119 first draft.

1.) Re: the following:

"SPLINTER
Good…Good!  These may very well replace the weapons you lost in space-time…!"

I don't feel that Splinter would be as happy as he seems here that the Turtles would adopt these wacky weapons to replace the ones they lost -- at best, he would accept them grudgingly. Also, the phrase "lost in space-time" seems a bit unnecessarily "techy" for Splinter and the situation -- I would end that line at the word "lost".


2.) Re: the following:

"RAPHAEL (VO)
Nice room.  Very minimalist."


"Very minimalist" does not sound like a phrase Raph would use. Don or Leo, maybe.


3.) Re: the following:

"CODY
We can order anything you want on the Outernet!"

I can see why we might want to invent a new name for what corresponds to the "Internet" in the future, but I feel "Outernet" is inappropriate and silly.


4.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
(hopping around; excited)
Can we?  Can we?  I’d love to see some replicators!  Can we? "

While I can certainly see how Don would be very excited, I don't think he would sound this infantile.


5.) Re: the following:

"ANGLE ON THE DOOR – as SERLING <WHIRS> in, holding a DUSTPAN with debris in one hand, a WHISK BROOM in the other.
MICHELANGELO
Hey, Cody, your maid’s here!/Hey!
SERLING swivels his head to look at Mikey sourly, DUMPS the debris in his dustpan into Mikey’s hands, then turns to Cody."


There is probably something funny that can be done here with Serling being offended/irritated by Mikey's comment, but dumping debris into Mike's hands seems very silly to me. An even better question might be -- should Serling be doing such menial work? Wouldn't there be cleaning robots that could handle this kind of stuff -- and would they really use whisk brooms and dustpans? That seems very low tech and pre-20th century to me.


Perhaps instead of bringing in a dustpan filled with debris, Serling could be holding a larger piece (or several large pieces) of something that got broken in the training battle, which he could similarly drop in Mikey's arms.


6.) Re: the following:

"DARIUS
Cody, what’s this I’m hearing about you being out and about, yesterday…? Constable Biggles says you were consorting with strange aliens!
IN THE SHADOWS – RAPH starts forward, but LEO restrains him.
RAPHAEL
(whispering)
“Strange aliens?!  I oughtta –“
LEONARDO
Shh!  Be cool!
DARIUS
I hope you’re not worried about the company…I have it under control!"

There seems to be -- to me at least -- some kind of disconnect between Darius' first and last lines here. I don't see how he gets to Cody being "worried about the company" from what he says first.


7.) Re: the following:

"RAPHAEL (O.S.)
This Hovershell’s a lot like our old one…You really are a superfan!"


I don't believe the Turtles ever had an "old one", i.e. an old Hovershell. Perhaps this line would be better if it went as follows:

"RAPHAEL (O.S.)
This Hovershell’s a lot like our old Battleshell…You really are a superfan!"

8.) Re: the following:

"MICHELANGELO
Who’s Darius? He’s oilier than pizza……and not nearly as appealing!"

Please, even though we are in the future, let's not overdo it with the pizza references.


9.) Re: the following:

"CODY
He runs O’Neil for me.  He says I wouldn’t understand a lot of the business, and he’s probably right…"

It sounds a bit odd that Cody refers to his business as just "O'Neil". Perhaps "O'Neil Tech" would sound better.


10.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
That is why I think we should take a field trip!  Instead of bringing the gear here, we will go THERE!"

Don's lines here puzzle me a bit. He has no idea how large these replicators that Cody mentioned earlier are. Also, he seems to be saying that the reason to take a "field trip" is because Darius told Cody he shouldn't go out which seems oddly petulant and contrary for Don.


11.) Re: the following:

"SERLING moves forward, waving his arms.
SERLING
So you can do to Cody what you did to the parlor?  Brilliant idea!/<Eep!>
RAPH <HIP-CHECKS> him, sending Serling rolling O.S.
RAPHAEL
Whaddaya say?  It’ll be fun!"

I can see how Serling might be worried that the Turtles might get Cody involved in some hijinks, but not that he would worry that they would "do to Cody what you did to the parlor" (i.e. smash him up). That seems to be overreacting even for Serling.


Also, is Serling standing on roller skates or ball bearings? I don't see otherwise how a "hip check" from Raph could send him "rolling".


12.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO
Serling might have a point, Cody… Trouble does kinda follow us around…
OTS CODY – Behind Leo, Donny, Raph and Mikey all gesture excitedly to Cody: “Come on!”
CODY
I’m in…As long as we’re back by lunch!
He to the Hovershell. Leo’s brothers enthusiastically follow.
DON/RAPH/MIKE
Atta way!/Yeah!/Let’s bounce!
Leo turns to Splinter.
LEONARDO
Coming, master?"

It seems weird to me that the other three Turtles ignore Leo's thoughtful comment... and then Leo ignores it himself.


13.) Re: the following:

"SPLINTER
No, my son.  I am confident you can handle this, and besides…it seems my soap opera has survived these hundred years…I have much catching up to do…"

It seems silly that Splinter's soap opera would have survived that long -- perhaps it would be better if he said something about wanting to see how soap operas had changed in 100 years (if they still exist at all).


13.) Re: the following:

"RAPHAEL (V.O.)
So, this Darius Dun guy runs O’Neil?
A WINGED HUMANOID FIGURE (a (GUNJIN) – mostly SHADOW, flies under the HOVERSHELL and attaches a SMALL HIGH-TECH DEVICE to the Hovershell’s belly.  It begins to BLINK.
CODY (V.O.)
Technically, no.  I’m in charge.
INT. HOVERSHELL – CONTINUOUS
CODY stands behind DONNY, who pilots.  The others stand nearby.
MICHELANGELO
Anyone told him that?
CODY
He says there’ll be plenty of time for me to work…so he handles the day to day stuff, keeps the company from going –"

Now I'm confused. This seems to completely contradict Cody's previous answer in the last scene, when he told the Turtles that Darius "runs O’Neil for me."


14.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
It was not me!  Something has seized command of our controls!"

I think "wasn't" sounds more natural than "was not".


15.) Re: the following:

"CONSTABLE BIGGLES – stands beside his CAR as a DEPUTY walks toward him from a COFFEE SHOP, loaded with TO-GO CUPS.
BIGGLES
First rule of law enforcement, Deputy…never start the day without tea!/<Whoop!"

Obviously, if we decide to make Biggles a robot, this tea thing is not appropriate.


16.) Re: the following:

"Suddenly, the HOVERSHELL <WHIZZES> overhead, so close that its wash SPILLS the DEPUTY and BIGGLES into each other, <SPLASHING> them both with TEA!  Beat.
BIGGLES
Right, then, we’ll need more tea."

This seems like a very weak joke, and the passivity doesn't fit the personality of Biggles as has already been establish in episode 118.


17.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
I have not learned these systems!"

Why is Don sounding like Data from "STAR TREK: The Next Generation"? He CAN use contractions, you know.


18.) Re: the following:

"CODY
There’s…there’s one thing we could try…an experimental feature…But we’re not supposed to do this in the air!"

SO... just when ARE you supposed to use this emergency escape pod? The thing subsequently survives the following:

"<WHANG!> The SPHERE <SLAMS> down on an ELEVATED ROADWAY and races ACROSS the road PERPENDICULAR to oncoming TRAFFIC!  Cars <SCREECH> and SWERVE!  <HONKING!>  The CAPSULE plummets off the opposite edge of the roadway!
<SMASH!> Continuing DOWN, the capsule smashes through a TIMES-SQUARE-ESQUE FLOATING BILLBOARD advertising a GOLF COURSE (a FLAG next to a HOLE).  The capsule goes RIGHT THROUGH THE HOLE, and out the other side!
<THOOM!> The capsule hits a ROOFTOP, and ROLLS to the EDGE, where it TEETERS fifty stories above the street!"

... and a fifty-story drop into a dumpster. Not only that, everyone inside it is unharmed. So... tell me again why you're "not supposed to do this in the air!" It seems like that's EXACTLY what you're supposed to do with it.


19.) Re: the following:

"STARLEE (O.S.)
Cody?!  Is that you?!  What’s the occasions?"

I think "occasions" should be "occasion".


20.) Re: the following:

"ANGLE – STARLEE HAMBRA, a beautiful ALIEN SCIENTIST approaches, excited.  She HUGS Cody, who looks distinctly flustered.
CODY
Um…Just wanted to pick something up…Check my messages…Oh, uh, Starlee Hambra, these are my…uh…lawyers."

How old is Cody again? And how old is this " beautiful ALIEN SCIENTIST"? 


I also don't see why Cody calls the Turtles his "lawyers". Certainly we could think of something more appropriate and funnier.


21.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO
There’s no way we can keep up with those guys on foot…!
DONATELLO (O.S.)
Wow…
FAVOR DON – as he curiously examines some EQUIPMENT stacked against a wall.  His brothers watch from behind him."

Don's "Wow..." seems really out of place at this moment.


22.) Re: the following:

"THE TURTLES look forward, express shock.
DONATELLO/MICHELANGELO
Oh no.
BIKE POV – The BRICK WALL fills frame and <BAM!> CUT TO BLACK.
RESUME, NEW ANGLE – as DON and MIKEY pull themselves woozily out from under the WRECKED BIKE, and watch as the bad guys FLY AWAY…"

As it would seem to be a fatal crash given the speeds they seem to be going, perhaps it would be good if we saw Don attempting to "put the brakes on" and the rocket bike decelerating some before the crash, instead of just staring stupidly at the wall as it hurtles toward them.


And unless that wall was invisible, isn't it kind of silly -- no, make that REALLY silly -- for Don to be driving toward it pell-mell if he didn't feel he had some way to stop before hitting it? The more I think about it, the more this action on Don's part seems terminally dopey. What WAS he thinking?


23.) Re: the following:

"SERLING
(through speaker)
Master Cody had all five of you linked by homing beacon…you imbeciles.  Feeding you his coordinates now…"

Why doesn't Serling share this information with the police -- ESPECIALLY given his ill will towards the Turtles? Why would he depend on THEM to rescue Cody?


24.) Re: the following:

"EXT. EMPIRE STATE BUILDING – ROOF – RESUME
DOWN ANGLE – CODY falls away from the roof, starting the long descent to the street!
MICHELANGELO looks over the edge in panic, and reaches out before being GRABBED BACK by the GUNJIN LEADER."

Why pull Mike back? Wouldn't his foe more logically try to kick or push him OFF the building?


25.) Re: the following:

"DOWN BELOW – LEO JAMS his KATANA into a BUILDING’S STONE SIDE, and PULLS DOWN, BENDING the sword.  It <SNAPS> back, FLINGING him into the air to grab the UNDERCARRIAGE of a passing HOVER-VEHICLE!  He scrambles to its ROOF, then leaps off – onto the back of another GUNJIN!"

This "super-springy" sword bit is more than I can take. Very silly.


26.) Re: the following:

"EXT. NEW MANHATTAN – STREETS – MOMENTS LATER
The TURTLES run down the street TOWARD US, watching the SKY.
LEONARDO
Stay with them!"

I just realized that this action is odd -- they've already rescued Cody (the whole point of this exercise). Why are Mike, Don and Leo then ABANDONING him and Raph and chasing the Gunjins? Given that they don't really know how many of these flying guys might be hanging around, shouldn't they all regroup and protect Cody?


27.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
(noticing his surroundings)
Oh, sorry…Did we interrupt something?"

This kind of wiseass comment is more Raph or Mike than Don.


28.) Re: the following:

"DARIUS
I have so much work left to do…and four lumbering amphibians will not stand in my way…"

Not amphibians... reptiles!

       -- Pete

Blast from the Past #483: Thoughts on a second TMNT movie, from 1990

While resurrecting those old emails to Lloyd I mentioned a little while ago, I also found two interesting short documents on that computer. They were things I had written back in 1990, if the dates on the files are accurate, and it seems likely that they are.

Apparently, I had -- either by myself or in collaboration with Kevin Eastman, though I think it is probably the former -- been thinking about possible directions to take in a second live-action TMNT movie, and typed up these thoughts on my old (well, it was new then) Atari ST computer. I then must have, at some point in the more recent past, transferred the files from the Atari to my Macintosh. 

Unfortunately, something happened in the transfer which screwed up the formatting of the files -- when I opened them on my Mac laptop last night, I discovered that all of the spaces in the documents had disappeared, leaving the entire text in each file as one long unbroken word. I tried to fix this mess with various reformatting options in several word processing programs, but nothing worked. Then I decided I would just go in and insert spaces between each word, and after a couple of hours of that, realized to my dismay that the formatting was STILL wacky.

So, I took the brute force approach that I guess I should have taken to begin with -- I just retyped both documents. I corrected two misspellings, but other than that, these two documents are as they were originally written.

I am not sure, exactly, for what, or to whom, they were intended. They kind of read as if we'd intended to send them to Steve Barron or whoever was chosen to direct the second TNT movie. I can't recall if they were ever sent to anyone.

Anyway, technical snafus aside, these are kind of interesting. As I re-read them, I could see a lot of the excitement we'd had about doing a second movie, as well as a number of naive assumptions about what might be possible. And there's at least one thing that I was surprised to read -- a scene which I believe actually ended up in an episode of the 4Kids TMNT TV series. -- PL

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Here's the first file:

"thoughts on a sequel for the TMNT movie 

How's this for an opening (or closing) scene for the second TMNT movie (maybe run under the credits): A garbage truck rumbles past the camera, heading for the landfill. It stops at the edge of a hill of refuse. The two sanitation engineers get out of the truck, and go around back to make sure the truck makes its dump properly. As the trash spills out, one of the guys sees something metallic glinting in the mess, and pulls it out. He holds it up, and in a medium closeup we see that it's the Shredder's helmet, crushed and twisted.

We both feel that the Shredder should not appear in the second TNT movie, but this might be a subtle enough way to refer to his ambiguous fate and set the scene for his appearance in a third TMNT movie (if that happens).

Anyway… one main concern is that the second (and any subsequent) movie stay as much away from the cartoon show, and as close to the original black and white comics, as the first movie did. We don't want to see Bebop and Rocksteady, or Krang, or any of the other goofy characters. We feel that there is plenty of material in the black and white books to form the basis for another good movie.

One possible approach would be to use some of the elements in TMNT book #2 (the Baxter Stockman/mousers story), or issues 3, 4 and 7. The Stockman/mousers tale is pretty straightforward, and could be lifted from the book with little alterations (have to find another assistant for Stockman, as in the movie April already has a different job). A conceivable addition would be the Rat King character that Jim Lawson created in issue #4 of "Tales of the TMNT", who was also used in the animated series, but not in the best of fashions. The Rat King could be a really neat, visually arresting character on film, and there could be some interesting interactions with him, Splinter, and the mousers.

Going the other way, using TMNT's 3, 4, and 7, would require more alterations, but also would offer some neat possibilities for action and story, not to mention some bitchin' special effects… and a set up for the next film. Before getting int o this, you should probably re-read the aforementioned issues.

Okay… this story wold involve revealing part of the mystery behind the Turtles' origin, that being where the mysterious canister of ooze came from, namely, the Techno-Cosmic Research Institute (T.C.R.I.). The story could follow fairly closely to the story in book four -- the Turtles are jumped by the Foot, there's a big fight, Mike gets hurt. they see the T.C.R.I. building, they try to find out more about it (but can't), they decide to surreptitiously enter it to find out more, they encounter the weird T.C.R.I. aliens (the Utroms -- they are little squishy brain-like creatures about the size of a basketball, and ride around in the stomach cavity of their humanoid robot vehicles), there's another fight, the transmat machine the Utroms have been building is accidentally switched on and goes wild, and in the ensuing melee three Triceratons are beamed in. This makes for an even more intense fight, ending with one of the Triceratons being stunned and the other two killed. Somehow, the Utroms ad the Turtles reach an understanding, and Donatello helps them repair their transmat, while Leo and the other Turtles help hold off the forces of the New York City police and the National Guard, who are trying to force their way into the building (the power surge from the accidentally activated transmat blacked out ten city blocks). In the end, the aliens are able to beam themselves back to their home planet, the Turtles escape, the building collapses, and all is well in the world.

(Note that this sets up a scenario in which the "Return to New York" story [as told by us in issues 19, 20 and 21 of TMNT] could be the basis of a third movie, involving the return and ultimate fate of the Shredder, and the mutated Triceraton's team-up with the Turtles to invade the Shredder's domain.)

I think that there are a number of new elements from the first movie that could be easily integrated into this plot. There could be an extension of the developing relationship between Casey and April, possibly with Charles Pennington as a third party in a kind of romantic triangle (some potentially interesting contrast of Casey's and Charles' personalities here). Danny could be brought  back, and possibly he could try to help the Turtles by infiltrating the T.C.R.I. building -- but he gets caught by the Utroms, and ends up in one of their suspended animation tanks, to be discovered by the Turtles… in fact, his disappearance could be one of the reasons they enter the building. Actually, for that matter it could be April who does it, doing her nosey reporter thing… except she gets too nosey, and the aliens take her captive. That might even be a good reason for Casey to go with the Turtles, getting him in on the action (and providing a good opportunity for a rescue/reunion clinch with April).

The T.C.R.I. aliens could be a really neat effect, relatively easily done by the Henson shop. Envision a robot body similar to the Terminator's metal skeleton, with a squishy alien brain in its midriff. As we drew them in the comics, they would be pretty workable as a combination bodysuit/radio-controlled puppet (for the alien part). Major facial movements for the aliens could be done in medium closeups, without the need for the stunt person or actor to be inside the robot suit.

Similarly, the Triceratons could be accomplished by the geniuses at the Henson group without much of a problem.

Another element that we feel should be in the second movie is the spiritual nature of the Turtles' martial arts training, and the fact that Splinter has taught them the ways of the ninja with a twist: they follow the pacifist/warrior ways of the Shaolin monks of China, who advised that, when confronted with aggression, one should "avoid rather than check, check rather than hurt, hurt rather than maim, maim rather than kill." This could be well done in a scene where the Turtles are trying to teach Casey some of their moves, and his temper gets the best of him until Splinter intervenes.

----------------------

more thoughts -- 5-8-1990

We could use the whole mouser scenario that is in book 2… only tie the mousers in with the T.C.R.I. guys -- they created the mousers. Baxter Stockman is actually a T.C.R.I. alien, fronting his mouser idea as a way of making money for the company, to aid their efforts to get off the planet.

(This sets up a scene where Casey confronts Baxter (in the T.C.R.I. building, where he and April have gone to investigate further, with Casey posing as April's cameraman), socking him in the jaw… with the result that Casey almost breaks his hand, and Baxter pulls open his shirt to reveal the T.C.R.I. alien in his robotic belly."

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Here's the second file:

"Teenage Mutant NInja Turtles #2: The Sequel

A Proposed Outline

We open on April O'Neil doing a remote spot covering the test of a new anti-rodent device, called the MOUSER, at the laboratory of Dr. Baxter Stockman, a 30-ish, bespectacled and mustachioed black man. Stockman runs the MOUSER through its paces -- the little robot with the savage gaping jaws chases a large rat through a maze and devours it in less than twenty second -- and, in response to a question from an unnerved April about what he plans to do with his device, Stockman replies that the city of New York has already given him funds to develop an initial force of a dozen mousers, to, in his words, "begin to take care of the city's rat problem -- once and for all!" Closeup on April's face, as she reacts to this statement…

… and dissolve to a closeup of Splinter's hairy face, and pull back to show him sitting cross-legged in front of a TV set, looking very thoughtful as we hear the tail end of April's report. Nearby, Donatello works on a circuit board, soldering small pieces of wire to it… tool and miscellaneous supplies are strewn around the floor. Across from him, Leonardo sits next to Splinter, carefully polishing one of his katana blades. We hear the background noise of sparring going on.

Suddenly, Raphael flies into view, crashing down on a coffee table and smashing it into pieces. Michaelangelo, who has worked a masterful judo move on Raphael, calls out affectionate jibes from the sidelines.

But Raphael doesn't see them as affectionate. He's well on his way to losing his temper, and as he loses it, her gets more careless, allowing Mike to continually get the upper hand on him. Gradually, though, Mike starts to see that Raph is getting vicious. Splinter and the two Turtles notice it too, but not before Raph grabs one of Leo's swords and goes after a shocked Michaelangelo, who stumbles and loses his footing, leaving him defenseless against Raph's berserker rage. It looks bad…

… but just then Leo and Don grab Raph's arms, holding him back Leo yells at Raph "Are you nuts??! What are you trying to do, lill Mike??!! It's just sparring, for Gods sake… just practice!"

With a start, Raphael realizes what he's doing. He drops the sword like it's suddenly red hot, and begins to stammer out a halting apology. Splinter comes over to try to calm Raph down, but Raph's anger and shame overcome him -- he tears away and goes bounding off. Leo starts to follow, but Splinter stops him, saying "Raphael will return… let him deal with his anger first."

(Note: All this takes place in the Turtles' and Splinter's new home in the sewers, a new lair that they have fixed up since the battle with the Foot in the first movie.)

Later… Casey arrives at the TV station to pick April up for their date. April, who's been waiting outside for the last half hour, is quietly fuming… and not at all amused with Casey's half-hearted excuses for his lateness -- or by his car, a real rattletrap. They get in, and Casey tries to start the car -- it won't start. As Casey tries again, and April rolls her eyes, Charles Pennington comes out of the building. His eyes narrow a bit when he sees Casey with April, and then he smirks at Casey's malfunctioning wreck of a vehicle. "Need a lift, April?" he asks, gesturing at his brand new BMW. She hesitates… until Casey, with his usual thing layer of tact frayed even further by the bad start this date with April has gotten off to, says something like :Yeah, why don't you go ridin' with the four-eyed wonder." At this, April gets pissed, and she does just that, leaving Casey sitting in his car, giving it an occasional kick and curse.

A week or so later: April is doing a news story about a strange series of robberies, in which bank vaults were tunneled into and valuables extracted, with no trace of the culprits.

That's where the second file ends. I am not sure why I never finished it. -- PL

Blast from the Past #482: August 6, 2005: Re: TMNT Season 6 revised Designs

Subj: Re: TMNT Season 6 revised Designs
Date: Saturday, August 6, 2005 12:33:26 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Jonathan

In a message dated 8/5/05 7:00:30 PM, Jonathan writes:

Peter,

 Please find attached the following revised designs from Season 6, for your approval:

 1. Combined Vehicle
 2. Combined Vehicle Rear
 3. Darius Dunn
 4. Darius Dunn Expressions
 5. Darius Dunn Expressions 2
 6. Enviro-paks
 7. Shell Racer
 8. Shell Racer Shaded
 9. Turtle Tank
10. Turtle Tank Rear

Jonathan,

       All of these are fine by me except for the Enviro-paks... which are BASICALLY okay, but too "pointy" for my tastes. I will attach a tweaked version which shows how I'd prefer them to look.


-- Peter

Blast from the Past #481: August 4, 2005: Re: Show 121 ("Headlock Prime") Outline and Re: TMNT Show 122 ("Playtime's Over") Premise, and August 5, 2005: Re: TMNT Show 118 ("Future Shellshock") Third Draft

Subj: Re: Show 121 ("Headlock Prime") Outline
Date: Thursday, August 4, 2005 12:05:06 AM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my notes on the Ep. 121 outline.


1.) Re: the following:

"Leo (VO): “It was supposed to be a simple night on the town.  Me and Raph were gonna check out what passes for entertainment in the twenty-second century.”"

Leo would say "Raph and I were going to..."


2.) Re: the following:

"Leo: “Raph, you gotta get outta there.  I think this is for real...”"

Leo would say "Raph, you've got to get out of there."


3.) Re: the following:

"Leo draws one of his new swords and tries to cut through the titanium cage.  Sparks fly, but the metal is undamaged.  Leo starts hacking away at the metal.


Leo: “I’m coming, Raph, try to not get beat up.”

Leo tries to “coach” his brother as he continues to chop at the titanium cage.  Raph gets up and starts to dodge the Fat Lady."

If the metal of the cage continues to be undamaged, it would seem to be unwise for Leo to spend any more time hacking at it.


4.) Re: the following:

"The Announcer, meanwhile, has followed them and continues to regale his audience with an increasingly florid account of the melee."

Perhaps it would be a good idea if the Announcer's seat was actually part of a platform which could become a mobile camera rig.


-- Pete

-------------------------------------------


Subj: Re: TMNT Show 122 ("Playtime's Over") Premise
Date: Thursday, August 4, 2005 12:18:27 AM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my notes on the Ep. 122 premise.


1.) Re: the following:

"Witnessing the crime, the Turtles race off to retrieve the stolen goods…except for MIKEY (who’s distracted by some new-wave toy) As the Turtles take off, Don yells to Mikey that he has to STALL  for his presentation. “This day has to be perfect for Cody!” Mikey redirects Cody and Starlee, doing his best to cover… "

Perhaps it would be good if Don was shown to be torn between staying at the show and going off to fight the Street Phantoms.


2.) Re: the following:

"Meanwhile, we intercut to Mikey who is desperately trying to decipher Don’s notes, making a mockery of history to all the kids.  Giving up, Mikey tries to ad-lib, remembering what his brothers said was cool about the 20th century, beginning with COMBUSTION…


Cody is mortified as Mikey mixes chemicals and blows up half the stage."

Perhaps it would be a good idea to know where Mikey gets these explosive chemicals. It doesn't seem that Donatello would be using them in his presentation. Perhaps we don't need an explosion -- maybe Mikey can do something funny based on 20th century pop culture.


3.) Re: the following:

"By this time Mikey has clobbered a bunch of plastic standees decorated to look like FOOT NINJA. The kids are thoroughly confused, and Starlee isn’t taking this well."

I'm not sure why Mikey has decorated plastic standees as Foot Soldiers. It seems a bit obscure.


4.) Re: the following:

"All except Mikey, who admits that he just wants to read a comic book… except that he burned them all up."

I am confused by this. Where did the comic books come from? I thought that in the beginning of this premise, Leo is complaining about the fact that there aren't any paper books in the future.


-- Pete

--------------------------------------


Subj: Re: TMNT Show 118 ("Future Shellshock") Third Draft
Date: Friday, August 5, 2005 2:43:39 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my notes on the Ep. 118 3rd draft:


1.) Re: the following:

"INT. ACCESS TO SURFACE - SECONDS LATER
Splinter and the Turtles make their way upwards, <HUFFING AND PUFFING>, their movements slow and lumbering.
DONATELLO
Is it... just me... or is it... really hard... to breathe... all of a sudden?
** MICHELANGELO
Yeah... like my chest weighs a ton. And my legs…and my—WHOA! "

So far I have commented at least twice on how odd this bit is, and it continues to stay in the script. Given that we have several other moments like this which make more sense later in the script, this one seems to me to be extraneous and not particularly well-placed. Please remove, or supply a good rationale for why the atmosphere and gravity in this particular underground access tunnel from their lair should be different from "Earth normal".


2.) Re: the following:

"SERLING - <SNAPS> the belt around Raph's waist, and instantly the turtle takes a <DEEP BREATH> and springs to his feet!
* RAPHAEL
Hey! The walkin’ toolbox turned the air back on! And my legs too!"

The timing of this bit is very odd. Why are the Turtles and Splinter still experiencing the negative effects of other gravity/atmosphere when they are on the landing pad of Cody's penthouse? Does it make any sense that either this landing pad OR the limo that Serling uses to pick up the Turtles would have either gravity or atmosphere which are not "Earth normal", given that both of these things would be used by Cody, who is a normal human? Perhaps this bit of action would be better placed directly immediately after Serling picks up the Turtles and Splinter, when they all get into the limo, and might logically be said to be still feeling the effects of the different zones. This might actually add to the sense of "faux danger" if Serling immediately tries to put the guys into what SEEM to them to be some kinds of restraints. And it might also make sense that he CAN do this (perhaps while putting the limo on autopilot back to Cody's apartment) while they are still a little disoriented and weakened by the effects of the gravity and atmosphere zone they were just in.


3.) Re: the following:

"** LEONARDO
Look, Threepio, we appreciate you helping us breathe --
SERLING
The name is Serling, sir."

Leo sarcastically calling Serling "Threepio" sounds out of character for him, more like something Raph would say. Perhaps it would be better if he fumbled for what might sound like -- given their circumstances -- an appropriately respectful name for this robot. Or even something as simple as having him start his line like this: 


"** LEONARDO
Look... uh... Threepio... we appreciate you helping us breathe --"


... might be enough to take the "wise guy" attitude out of his line.


4.) Re: the following:

"REVERSE - A 14-year-old kid stands just in the shadows, framed in a doorway to a SIDE CHAMBER, eyes wide with awe.
CODY
You're a lot taller than I imagined... greener too."

Apparently no one but me finds this strange, so I'll only comment one more time on it: For -- apparently -- the sake of doing a "mistaken identity" gag three times in this script (a gag I don't find particularly funny), we have to swallow the (to me, anyway) huge illogic of this premise: That Cody, super-Turtle fan #1, who has the following in his "trophy room":


"REVERSE ANGLE TO REVEAL - A SHRINE TO THE TURTLES! Wall to wall bits of memorabilia, old newspaper clippings, the TCRI canister, a Shredder helmet, even the Turtles' masks. And at the center of it all... CASEY JONES' HOCKEY MASK, GOLF BAG, BATS, HOCKEY STICK, ETC. "


... doesn't have ONE SINGLE IMAGE of the Turtles. To my mind, that makes no sense at all. Especially when you consider the fact that Cody had a "time window" machine to peek in on the Turtles in the past. It has been suggested that he never got enough time to actually LOOK at them through the time window before it inadvertently became a time PORTAL, but that seems like tortured logic when you consider the following scene:

"* The FLOOR OPENS at the Turtle’s feet. They jump back as…
* WIDE - an impressive array of machinery floats up through the hole in the floor… the TIME WINDOW! An IMAGE OF THE TURTLES' LAIR (as it is in 2105) appears on a circular monitor set in the center of the device."

So we are asked to accept the idea that the time window worked to get a view of the lair, sans Turtles, but NOT any views of the Turtles themselves. All this illogic for -- in my view -- the service of a pretty silly gag.


4.) Re: the following:

"* CODY
Unfortunately, yes. The four of--
(beat, realizing)
Hey, where IS number four?"

Perhaps it would be a good time to point out that it has taken Cody -- boy genius AND #1 Turtle fan, remember -- this long to realize that he has only three Turtles in his presence. 


5.) Re: the following:

"ON HANGAR - The doors slide open, revealing THE HOVER SHELL - a sleek new Turtles-inspired hover vehicle. 
** LEONARDO
Now that’s cool... but you have way too much time on your hands."

Perhaps I am missing something, but I still don't see why Leo is being so sarcastic and nasty to Cody. What is the point of this insult? I would take out everything in this line except "Now that's cool..." or give the insult line to Raph.


6.) Re: the following:

"MICHELANGELO
And you guys shoulda mention the BIG UGLY ATTACK ROBOT!"

I'm pretty sure that should be "mentioned" instead of "mention".


-- Pete

Blast from the Past #480: August 3, 2005: Re: Show 118 ("Future Shellshock") Second Draft and Show 120 ("Home Invasion") Outline

Subj: Re: Show 118 ("Future Shellshock") Second Draft and Show 120 ("Home Invasion") Outline
Date: Wednesday, August 3, 2005 1:29:57 AM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine
 
Lloyd,


Here are my comments on the 118 second draft.

1.) Re: the following:

"REVEAL SPLINTER - His robe and walking stick are gone.
* SPLINTER
You don' t say. "

This is slightly less lame than the line it replaces, but it's still bad. It doesn't sound at all like Splinter. Let's just have him do a "take" as he realizes that his clothes are gone. Or just skip this bit entirely.

2.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO
Forget the TV. The whole lair is gone!
* DONATELLO
No, more like it decomposed."

Don's line is worse than the one it replaced:

"DONATELLO
It's like the place suddenly... aged."

Why the change? "Aged" is far more appropriate to the situation -- and how the lair looks -- than "decomposed". And because "decomposed" generally refers to things that were once alive going through the process of rotting after death, it's really not appropriate, ESPECIALLY coming from science nerd Don.

3.) Re: the following:

"RAPHAEL
What the shell just happened?
ON SPLINTER - heading for the exit.
* SPLINTER
An attack? We must inspect the damage."

Again, a line inferior to the one it replaces:

"SPLINTER
There is only one way to find out..."

The new line is weird and goofy -- Splinter thinks the lair has been attacked... so he goes OUTSIDE to "inspect the damage"?
I think there may be too much effort going on in this script to hold off the big reveal of the "surprise" -- that the Turtles and Splinter have been zapped into the future -- when in all likelihood it's not going to be too much of a surprise, given the clues that we are dropping. And there is a real danger of making the Turtles -- who have been through many weird adventures INCLUDING time travel -- look pretty DUMB if they don't at least have SOME inkling of what may have just happened. I mean, think about it -- they ALL recognize that they are in the same lair, but everything looks old. Hmmm...

4.) Re: the following:

"INT. ACCESS TO SURFACE - SECONDS LATER
Splinter and the Turtles make their way upwards, <HUFFING AND PUFFING>, their movements slow and lumbering.
DONATELLO
Is it... just me... or is it... really hard... to breathe... all of a sudden?
MICHELANGELO
And why does... my body... feel like it... weighs a ton?
* RAPHAEL
Prob'ly all that... junk food, Porkins. "

I still feel this is a very poor introduction to the gravity/atmosphere zones concept, ESPECIALLY as, when you consider what happens a few pages later, it's really superfluous... on top of not making much sense. See my last set of comments for more detail.

5.) Re: the following:

"ON TURTLES AND SPLINTER - on their hands and knees, weighted down by gravity and breathlessness, barely able to move, while Splinter seems to be unaffected by it all."

I might -- MIGHT -- buy the idea that Splinter has better breath control than the Turtles and can thus resist longer the effects of the different atmosphere. But the idea that he can somehow not be affected by the gravity that is weighing down the Turtles is just dopey.

6.) Re: the following:

"* BIGGLES
Quite the blaster buster, wot? Identification."

"Blaster buster"? If this is an attempt at "future slang", it's lame. It's also unnecessary.

7.) Re: the following:

"* BIGGLES
Crumpets. Look high and low! They can t be far!"

"Crumpets"? See point 6.

8.) Re: the following:

"* RAPHAEL
All right, you got our attention. Talk --
* DONATELLO
(sotto)
Or we ll pass out all over his fine Corinthian leather?"

Why is Don doing a bad Mikey joke, and why is he phrasing it as a question? I'd lose this and go back to the original.

9.) Re: the following:

"Suddenly Mikey's descent slows as if he's light as a feather... which he is because there's hardly any gravity here. He takes a <DEEP BREATH>, overjoyed... but when he tries to speak &
* BUBBLES come out of his ears. "

Has the writer actually SEEN any of the TMNT episodes? Where, exactly are these ears the bubbles will be coming out of?

10.) Re: the following:

"RAPHAEL
Dat s it! I m done with all this crazy alien no air Twilight Zone bunk! Talk!"

"Dat's"?

11.) Re: the following:

* LEONARDO
I think I still have blue smoke in my brain. We're still in New York... a hundred years in the future? And aliens live here? And buildings fly? And--?"

Another inferior substitution for this original:

"LEONARDO
You mean we're still in New York... a hundred years in the future?"

Please, let's remember that these Turtles ARE NOT STUPID!!! The idea that they might be in the future MUST have occurred to them, especially after just having seen the Empire State building in a previous scene. Leo sounds like a complete moron as written here.

12.) Re: the following:

"* CODY
(to Donatello)
Pretty   Phat Boss , huh, Leonardo?
LEO - waves his hand and points to Don. Cody looks sheepish.
LEONARDO
Uh, I'M Leonardo. That's Donatello."

As I said in my previous set of comments, these misidentification gags are painfully DUMB. Let's get rid of them and not waste time and lines on dopey stuff like this.

13.) Re: the following:

"* CODY
How did you ever tell them apart?
* SPLINTER
Color coded diapers.
* DONATELLO
Do they still have the saying   TMI? Too much Information?"

This is an excellent example of "going over the line" with silly, dopey, inappropriate-to-character humor. This hurts my brain. Remember -- CODY IS THE BIGGEST TURTLES FAN IN THE ENTIRE FREAKIN' WORLD! HE KNOWS HOW TO TELL THEM APART! Jeez...

14.) Re: the following:

"CODY
2105 is no place for a mutated turtle from the twentieth century! He ll be torn apart out there! Come on--!
SERLING - <WHIRS> over and blocks Cody's path.
SERLING
Master, while I m certain you feel pity for these wretched things, you shouldn t just up and leave the house."

Again -- is Cody not PERMITTED to leave the house or is he too agoraphobic or timid to leave the house? I thought it was the latter. But whichever, it's important to decide now. I think it makes Cody a more interesting character if he has to fight his own fears about going outside.

15.) Re: the following:

"SERLING
(explaining to Turtles/Splinter)
Master Jones is the owner of O'Neil Tech, a prominent manufacturer of terran technologies
DONATELLO
As in   April O Neil? You go, genius!"

Don's line is dopey... more of a Mikey line, but I don't even think it would be good for him. It's also very obvious... we just saw a page or so ago that Cody is April's descendant. Why is Don then so surprised?

16.) Re: the following:

"* MICHELANGELO
(Bubbling)
How hard is it to find three talking turtles and a rat in this place? "

Extremely dopey.

17.) Re: the following:

"* CODY
Good news. I'm tracking Michelangelo's temporal displacement signature -- (off of Raph s puzzled look) Funk that stuck to his shell from the twentieth century.
* RAPHAEL
Mikey stinks. Check. "

While I am not in any way opposed to a good Raph jab at Mikey's bodily habits, THIS is just plain dopey and makes NO SENSE.

18.) Re: the following:

"* RAPHAEL
Mikey stinks. Check.
*WIDEN - All react to an urgent <KLAXON> as <ENERGY CRACKLES> out of the TIME WINDOW, knocking Raph on his shell!
*LEO AND DON  help Raph to his feet &
* RAPHAEL
It was just a joke --"

Dopey. Who is Raph talking to? Why would he think that his stupid little joke about Mikey caused anything to happen?

19.) Re: the following:

"ON HANGAR - The doors slide open, revealing THE HOVER SHELL - a sleek new Turtles-inspired hover vehicle.
* LEONARDO
You have way too much time on your hands."

Why is Leo being such an asshole here? Totally out of character, especially under the circumstances. Another dumbass "throw in a joke" bit -- who cares if it's not at all appropriate to the situation?

20.) Re: the following:

"MIKEY'S POV - The Alien Street Vendor is gone. The alley is empty, save for a HOVER TRANSPORT, parked at the end.
* MIKEY
Great. Where am I now? Invisible town?"

"Invisible town" seems odd. Maybe "Invisible alien town" would be better.

21.) Re: the following:

"MICHELANGELO
And you guys shoulda mention the BIG UGLY ATTACK ROBOT!"

That should be "mentioned", not "mention".


-- Peter

Blast from the Past #479: August 3, 2005: Re: FW: Show 120 ("Home Invasion") Outline

Subj: Re: FW: Show 120 ("Home Invasion") Outline
Date: Wednesday, August 3, 2005 2:15:07 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine


Lloyd,


Here are my notes on outline 120.


1.) Re: the following:

"The little elves charge him, and he fends them off with his Katana swords, but it’s difficult because they’re so short!  


LEONARDO:  Time to lower my defenses…


He flips into a one-armed handstand.  This lowers his eyeline so that he can meet their attacks head-on.  "


Clever, but questionable -- Leo is then only able to use one arm/hand to fight with, and I really think any advantage gained by "lowering his eyeline" is probably offset by the increased difficulty of fighting upside-down with only one arm free. A better alternative might be this -- I believe there is a style or technique of swordplay where you have one leg folded on the floor behind/underneath you and the other bent at the knee and upright in front of you, with that leg's foot flat on the floor, and you kind of crab walk/scoot in that position. This brings your eyeline down but also leaves both hands and arms free to battle, as well as giving  you a more secure and steady position to fight from -- and of course, you're not upside-down!


2.) Re: the following:

"In the next room, we see Raph sitting and reading “Jurassic Park”.  But his brothers teasingly yell taunts back at him until he sighs and gives up.  But when he stands, we hear a polite voice saying, “Don’t forget to put the lid down.”  Raph rolls his eyes in disbelief.  


RAPHAEL: You gotta be kiddin’ me! "

So -- Raph's reading on the toilet? Do we really want to do this?


3.) Re: the following:

"A trail of exploding sparks surges along the power lines and disrupts everything in its path.  In a restaurant, SERVER DROIDS lose control and fling plates of food at the startled customers!  SPLAT!  In skyscrapers, AUTOMATED ELEVATORS yo-yo up and down, terrifying their trapped passengers.  And in the street, robotic GARBAGE TRUCKS rip up news kiosks and dump their contents like trash.  
As we follow the surging trail of sparks along the power lines, we see that it is heading directly for Cody’s penthouse!  "

This could be fun. I think it would be good if we could think up a unique visual signature for these sparks so that they are not just your random cartoon sparks but unique to Viral's presence, so that whenever we see these in a future episode, it will alert us to the fact that Viral is coming. Off the top of my head, I'm thinking some kind of spiral spark which could wrap around conduits (making even a kind of crazy "double helix" -- almost like these sparks represent Viral's "DNA"), or maybe a kind of staggered ring-shaped series of sparks.


4.) Re: the following:

"Cody proudly leads them into the Holo-Simulator room where Leo and Splinter are waiting.  At first they are confused until Leo explains that it’s a high-tech Dojo where they can sharpen their skills.  Leo shows off the automated assault sequences and state-of-the-art weaponry.  "

Might be fun if Cody has programmed the "start point" of the simulator to look like the Turtles' old lair.


5.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO: It’s like, Dojorama!  


MICHAELANGELO:  Dojorama Extreme!  Sweet!  "

As Don's line doesn't really sound like a Don line to me, I would combine the two and give the resulting line to Mikey, as follows:

"MICHAELANGELO:  It's like Dojorama Extreme!  Sweet!  "

6.) Re: the following:

"Donny asks Cody if there’s any way to find out what’s going on inside.  Cody says he can tap into the Dojo room’s camera on his laptop.  They creep back to Cody’s laptop, and Cody accesses the Dojo’s surveillance feed.  "

If Viral has infiltrated all of the electronics in the building -- including stand-alone units like Serling -- why hasn't it also gotten into Cody's laptop?


7.) Re: the following:

"Meanwhile, Splinter and the Turtles are fighting for their lives.  Unfortunately, Splinter gets ZAPPED by a high-voltage charge which knocks him out and makes his hair comically stand on end!  


MICHAELANGELO: Ooh, bad hair day"

For Mike to make a "bad hair day" joke while Splinter is lying unconscious on the floor after getting zapped by a high-voltage charge is just WRONG. Mike would not make a joke like that at a moment when he's not sure if his master is seriously injured -- that's not funny, it's bad taste. However, it COULD be funny if he said it AFTER Splinter gets up off the floor and his hair is still standing on end.


8.) Re: the following:

"Viral goes on to explain that he has been sent to pillage classified information from O’Neil Tech’s systems, and he calculated that only the Turtles had the potential to stop him.  "

Huh? How is it that Viral even KNOWS about the Turtles and their capabilities?


9.) Re: the following:

"Suddenly, the three Turtles find themselves standing an OLD WEST SALOON, surrounded by tough-looking COWBOYS.  As the cowboys frown and narrow their steely eyes, Mikey grins and waves.  "

A couple of ideas here: It could be cool if these cowboys are twisted in some fashion by Viral's influence -- maybe they have all the cowboy clothes and gear, but they are APES or DINOSAURS (Triceratons?) or INSECTS or something.


I might also be fun -- if we could work it out legally -- if the "cowboys" that the Turtles fight here are actually some of the characters from my friend Ryan Brown's "Wild West Cowboys of Moo Mesa" property. It would be a fun "in-joke", and I'm pretty sure Ryan would go for it.


10.) Re: the following:

"Meanwhile, ELSEWHERE IN THE PENTHOUSE, Cody and Donny are running a system check on the network.  They detect Viral, and see that he has infected much of O’Neil Tech’s network, but a firewall is still keeping him out of the top secret classified research files.  


CODY: I’ll try to delete him…


But when Cody hits the delete button, Viral senses the attack.  Abandoning his Bartender guises, he leaves the Dojo and zips through the wires toward Cody’s computer.  


Donny notices the lights flickering and sees a spray of sparking explosions surging toward them.  


DONATELLO:  Unplug!  


He yanks the Ethernet plug out of the computer just before Viral gets there.  Then, they flee down the hallway with the wiring burning up in the wall behind them. "

See my comment #6 above. And, 100 years in the future, would Cody's laptop REALLY be literally plugged in via Ethernet? I mean, we're almost living in a wireless society NOW! The gag above could still work exactly as is if instead of Cody's computer being plugged in, it is working wirelessly, but it contains the same firewall that the other O'Neil secret classified research computers have. Viral could sense the laptop's presence, even though it couldn't get into it, and still send the same power surges in its direction as above.


11.) Re: the following:

"After Viral fades away, we PAN DOWN the outside of the penthouse and see that Donny is hanging from a ledge by one hand and holding a shaken Cody with the other.  


DONATELLO: We’re safe, kid.  


But Cody looks down at the dizzying drop and closes his eyes in terror.  


CODY: You call this safe?  


Urging Cody to trust him, Donny uses his foot to slide open a window, and they swing inside to safety.


DONATELLO: This looks like our floor.  "


Don's last line here sounds like dopey "snappy patter". And I'm not so sure about the convenient window Don can slide open with his foot doesn't make the building sound very secure. Hmmm... of course, maybe the windows are all unlocked as one of the results of Viral's invasion of the building's electronics -- and it could be good to have Don mention it when they are able to get in that way.


12.) Re: the following:


"Furious, Viral explodes with anger and the whole scene disappears in a fuzz of VIDEO STATIC.  


When the image resolves, they find themselves in a new holo-simulation, one that looks very familiar…  Their old SEWER HIDEOUT.  At first they are delighted.  


RAPHAEL: Home, sweet home! 


MICHAELANGELO: Hey, I wonder if that leftover pepperoni pizza is still in the fridge!  


Leo reminds them that this is just a simulation.  And then they see something moving in the shadows.  It’s the FOOT CLAN! "

Ah, now I see that my idea for the old lair being part of this holographic training thing (see point #4 above) has already been thought of. However, I think it works better per my suggestion, and I think it would be cooler if we used instead a NYC rooftop scenario for this battle.


13.) Re: the following:

"As a wave of Foot soldiers attack them, Viral’s face gloatingly appears on one of the Lieutenants.  "

Wouldn't it be much cooler if instead of a mere Lieutenant, it's a simulated SHREDDER?


14.) Re: the following:

"VIRAL:  You fight well now.  But your pathetic flesh is weak.  Soon you will tire.  But my soldiers are inexhaustible!  


As another wave of Foot soldiers appears from the darkness, Mikey begins to look concerned.  He realizes that Viral is right.  They can’t keep up this pace forever!  As Viral laughs malevolently, the epic fight continues.  "

Not that we have to get into the tech stuff TOO deeply, but Viral's line here made me think -- given that we establish that the rock troll Leo fights in the opening simulation was actually a holographically disguised robot, WHAT exactly are these Foot soldiers the Turtles are fighting (and for that matter, the little elves Leo was fighting in the beginning)? Are they, too, robots cloaked in holograms? If so, wouldn't it make sense that Viral's supply of Foot soldiers would NOT be unlimited? I think they would only be unlimited if we establish that in some ways this training room works like STAR TREK's "Holodeck", which uses force fields to simulate physical objects. And maybe only some special opponents -- like the rock troll -- are based on real, physical machines. Although, when you think of it, why bother if you can create holograms which feel like physical objects?


15.) Re: the following:

"Donny explains that he tricked Viral into streaming into an area that he thought was O’Neil Tech’s classified files, but instead it was a dead-end where Donny was able to lock him in.  


The other Turtles think Donny’s brilliant until Leo asks where exactly he locked Viral up.  


Suddenly, the room SHAKES, and a huge, hulking, six-armed DOJO BATTLE BOT burst out of the wall.  They see that Viral’s face is trapped in its viewscreen.  Exasperated, Raph turns to Leo.  "

Hmm... now WHY, exactly, does bright boy Donny do such a stupid thing? Wouldn't it have occurred to him that putting a malevolent entity like Viral in a dangerous robot's body might not be such a great idea?


It might work well if Don explains (maybe when the others give him some shit about it) that it was the lesser of two evils -- he could either have let Viral continue to pillage O'Neil Tech's computers (unacceptable) or lure Viral into the only place he could figure out to contain it -- the robot body (dangerous, but better than option #1).


16.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO:  I’m gonna lose my linguini! "

NOT a Leo line -- Raph or Mike might say something like this.


17.) Re: the following:

"As the maddened Viral Bot charges at our heroes, Donny tells them to break off the transponder that is located just behind the left shoulder.  


Easier said than done!  But at great risk, Leo manages to slice the transponder off.  However, it doesn’t slow down the lumbering juggernaut.  “It didn’t stop him!” complains Leo.  


DONATELLO: No, but it cuts off his line of transmission!  Now he can’t upload himself out of that robot.  "

This seems like a waste of time and an unnecessary action bit -- didn't Don already "lock off all avenues of escape" in Act 3?


18.) Re: the following:

"SERLING:  Oh dear!  Some of these priceless antiques are a hundred years old!


MICHAELANGELO: Hey!  Who’re you calling antiques?  


Serling is mortified, and explains that he didn’t mean the Turtles because even though they are a hundred years old, they certainly don’t look it!  And furthermore…  Mikey laughs and cuts him off.  "

Okay, I'm confused -- is Serling a prissy, timid 'droid as he is portrayed in this scene, or the snippy, sarcastic 'droid we saw in the first episode? 


19.) Re: the following:

"As Cody takes the Lotus position, Mikey walks by Splinter and chuckles at his frizzed fur.  


MICHAELANGELO:  Nice doo, master.  


When Splinter starts to protest that it’s only temporary, Raph stops him.  


RAPHAEL:  I thought a true warrior must always adapt to any new situation.


For once, Splinter is at a loss for words.  Raph laughs as he walks away, and says that maybe the future isn’t so bad, after all. "

This might be a good place to use the "bad hair day" joke misused earlier (see my comment #7 above).


I'm a little concerned with what I see as the subtext of this scene -- if I am reading it right, Raph is thinking that the future might not be so bad because they can make fun of Master Splinter. That doesn't seem right.


20. ) Re: the following:

"Inside, the vault is crammed with computer equipment.  Viral sits amidst the gear and works on repairing his broken robot body.  He flexes his repaired hand with obvious satisfaction.  


VIRAL:  Yes!  I’m beginning to like this physical form.  


Just then, a vid-screen BEEPS, and he goes to answer it.  On the screen, we see a glitchy distorted image of the shadowy and mysterious SH’OKANABO.  She is not happy.


SH’OKANABO:  You have failed me.  


Viral bows his head in shame.  


VIRAL: Yes, mistress.  But in this form, I am more powerful than ever.  Give me one more chance to get down and dirty with those cursed Turtles, and they will pay!"

This doesn't make sense to me. First, it is OBVIOUS that Viral is far LESS powerful trapped in a robot body than he was when he could enter all kinds of electronic systems as will and disrupt/manipulate them. And second, I seriously doubt that after having all that power -- and then having it taken away from him when Don trapped him in this robot -- Viral would "begin to like" this metal body he is STUCK IN.


Also, if Viral is going to reappear in a future episode, do we really want him to be just another hulking robot, or the very dangerous sentient digital intelligence he was in this episode? I think the latter.


Perhaps a better way to play this would be as follows: Viral is not liking his new metal form, he's CURSING it. He pleads with SH'OKANABO to help free him from this prison, but SH'OKANABO expresses his displeasure with Viral's failure by telling him that he must remain in this limited form, as punishment, until SH'OKANABO deigns to free him, for his next mission (whatever that will be).


-- Pete