Blast from the Past #465: March 18, 2005: Re: Revised final of 112 ("New World Order, Part One"), and March 20, 2005: Fwd: comments on outlines for 115 ("Past and Present"), 116 ("Enter the Dragons, Part One") and 117 ("Enter the Dragons, Part Two")

Subj: Re:   Revised final of 112  ("New World Order, Part One")
Date: Friday, March 18, 2005 11:59:38 AM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my comments on the Ep. 112 final.


1.) Re: the following:

"**RAPHAEL
Yeah, that was my dream.  There were all these funny lines.  And then, she was at the mercy of the Shredder!
ON DONNY, cautiously adding to the narrative.
***DONATELLO
I saw that, too! And then New York was transformed into a horror show … like an alternate universe … but worse."

It's nice that my suggestion to have Don compare his nightmare to his experience in the Shredder-ruled alternate universe he was sent to in "Same As It Never Was" was considered, but the way it is rendered here misses the point. My idea was not that Don compare this nightmare to just "... AN alternate universe", but to THE alternate universe he was sent to. Here, his comparison of his nightmare to an alternate universe just seems weird and pointless.
Here's a suggestion:


"DONATELLO
I saw that, too! And then New York was transformed into a horror show … sort of like that alternate universe that Ultimate Draco blasted me into… but worse. (Don pauses, shivers.) If that's possible..."


2.) Re: the following:

"*KARAI and SHREDDER move toward each other.  Shredder’s hand glows with DARK MYSTIC ENERGY.  KARAI rears back with her GAUNTLET-CLAW, preparing to strike a blow.
*ON the Turtles, weapons raised, as MYSTICS advance on them.
***RAPHAEL
Tell me again why saving Karai is such a good idea?
***LEONARDO
Obviously … it’s not."

Those last two lines are better than what they replaced, but it's still a little flat. I think it is so this time because Leo's "Obviously... it's not" line is, well, OBVIOUS (and a little superfluous)! Maybe we should just take his line out and end on Raph's ironic/sarcastic one.


-- Pete

---------------------------------------------


Subj: Fwd: comments on outlines for 115, 116 and 117
Date: Sunday, March 20, 2005 11:44:42 AM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


I'm re-sending this in case it didn't get through the first time.


-- Peter

-------------------------------------

comments on Episode 115  ("Past and Present") outline


     1.) Re: the following:

"And without even looking at him, Shredder turns the Mayor into a TOAD! Shredder confirms with the mystics that all is prepared, “For this is your final opportunity to prove your worth to me.” With a nervous glance, they nod, “You may begin the metamorphosis, my lord…”"

     Turning the Mayor into a toad is just too "Harry Potter" for my taste -- pretty silly. Maybe he warps him into a toadlike humanoid.


     2.) Re: the following:

"Suddenly, the bedroom wall EXPLODES to reveal a very gung ho CHAPLIN! He’s finally the hero he’s always wanted to be for Karai, dramatically lifting her out of bed. “I thought I’d lost you!”


Thwak! Chaplin gets a full taste of Casey’s Baseball Bat! Chaplin levels his blasters at Casey – THWAK! Karai kicks Chaplin next, “Idiot! They’re helping me!” Chaplin turns grim, “Helping you? No one can help you…don’t you know what’s happened?”


From the roof, everyone looks in horror at the BLACK DOME spreading out from uptown! LINES OF MYSTICAL ENERGY crackle weakly and then disappear."

     This is a little confusing. Why does Chaplin blow the bedroom wall apart? Seems like a pretty stupid thing to do if he is trying to keep Karai from harm. And is he just carrying blasters, or is he in a Shrednaught? And how do they get to the roof?


     3.) Re: the following:

"“Indeed, the true nightmare has begun.” Everyone is shocked to see Karai and Chaplin in the lair! Raph is the first to pipe off, about to draw his weapon when Casey and April enter, grim. “You better listen guys…something terrible has happened.”"

     Hey, I'M shocked to see Karai and Chaplin in the lair. It seems more than a bit cavalier that April would lead them there. Why doesn't she just call the Turtles on a Shell Cell to set up a meeting somewhere neutral? And the idea that Karai and Chaplin would be standing there by themselves, and THEN April and Casey would follow them and enter the room seems goofy and done just for the sake of a "dramatic" surprise.


     4.) Re: the following:

"The Ley Lines intersect around the perimeter of Manhattan at FIVE POINTS. Chaplin’s jaw hits the floor, “If this is accurate, we’d better pack our bags now…we’ve already lost.”"

     I don't think it is possible that the ley lines could "intersect AROUND the perimeter of Manhattan at FIVE POINTS" (think about it), but they COULD intersect the perimeter of Manhattan at five points.
     And why is Chaplin declaring defeat at this point? What is so devastating about what he sees on the screen that his "jaw hits the floor"?


     5.) Re: the following:

"Atop the main support, they find the Keystone – a section of bridge that comes to life as they approach, revealing a GLOWING DRAGON built into the steel!"

     Should this really be a dragon? It seems to me that this could get a little confusing with the Turtles' dragon avatars -- maybe this thing should be another kind of monster/creature.


     6.) Re: the following:

"Leo almost loses April when she falls off of the crown, but remembering the painful loss of Faraji (and because she’s a best bud, of course!) he manages to catch her and slide down the statue’s dress, dragging the guardian into the water with him!"


     I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure that it you were to slide down the Statue of Liberty's robe, you would not end up in the water, but on land.

------------------------------------------------

comments on Ep. 116 ("Enter the Dragons, Part One") outline


     1.) This episode is very cool, and filled with all kinds of wild action which should excite the fans. I really only have two comments:


     -- maybe we should see the new Justice Force members (that guy with the power gloves, the bow guy, and the shrinking guy) in action along with the older members.


     2.) Given that if this kind of thing were ever to happen in the "real world", there would likely be a vigorous response from various agencies -- police and National Guard among them -- who would attempt to battle the various demons and such that have been manifested by the Shredder. I think it would be cool to at least mention that this kind of action is taking place, even if we don't show it -- maybe a line or two from the Turtles which refers to the fact that it's good the cops and the National Guard are fighting these things, because their actions take some of the pressure off us.

-------------------------------------------------

comments on Ep. 117 ("Enter the Dragons, Part Two") outline


     1.) Pretty freakin' cool! I have one comment, re: the following:

"Later.  Gracie Mansion.   Several of the Mayor’s employees look up at the weird new tree in front of the mansion.


     The bark looks frighteningly like a demon’s face.


As they leave, a HUMAN HAND pierces the bark from the inside of the tree, reaching out!!"

     What is up with this? What is this human hand? Are we bringing back the Tengu Shredder so soon? If so, I'm not sure that is such a great idea. I'd like to know more about what is meant by this scene.
     If we want to end this season on a cliffhanger, here's an alternate suggestion (incorporating some ideas I discussed with Lloyd earlier):


     The big battle is over, and our heroes breath a sigh of relief. "Finally... the Shredder is gone forever."
     Cut to outer space, many light years away. A hulking space ship makes its way through an asteroid field. We see that it is crewed by Triceratons... they are part of a long range deep-space survey/salvage crew. A shuttle is launched from the ship and it lands on one of the larger asteroids, a bleak and frozen place. Freezing, howling winds blow snow and shards of ice around. Several Triceratons in space suits exit the ship and go about some kind of scanning for valuable resources on this planetoid. They are about to leave when one of them gets an odd reading on his scanner. They follow the readings...


     ... and come to their source: the frozen Utrom Shredder!!!


     -- Peter

Blast from the Past #464: March 12, 2005: comments on Ep. 113 ("New World Order, Part 2") second draft and comments on Ep. 112 ("New World Order, Part 1") second draft

Subj:  comments on Ep. 113 ("New World Order, Part 2") second draft

Date:  Saturday, March 12, 2005 4:30:56 PM

From:  Peter Laird

To:    Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,

       Here are my comments on the Ep. 113 second draft.

1.) Re: the following:

"*LEONARDO (V.O.)

The Tribunal trained us to prepare for the very worst.  But the thing about the very worst is…you can’t possibly be prepared for it. "

I think I understand what the writer is trying to do here, but this seems very silly and self-contradictory to me. First Leo says that the Tribunal trained them to prepare for the very worst -- but then he says that such training is impossible! Which is it? Here's an alternative:

"*LEONARDO (V.O.)

The Tribunal trained us to prepare for the very worst.  But I'm not sure even they could have anticipated THIS. "

2.) Re: the following:

"FADE IN:

INT. FOOT HEADQUARTERS – THRONE ROOM – NIGHT

WIDE – Karai faces off against the Shredder and the five Foot Mystics that stand beside him."

I'm confused. At the end of the last episode, weren't the Mystics advancing on the Turtles, while Karai faced the Shredder?

3.) Re: the following:

"*WIDE – Karai LEAPS to the air and takes form for a JUMP KICK.  It looks as though she’s about to soar over the Turtles, but instead, she barrels down on them, STRIKING Mikey with a KICK.  He falls to the ground.

KARAI (CONT’D)

YAAAAAAAAAAH!

CLOSE ON MIKEY – completely bewildered, he looks up to Karai. 

MICHAELANGELO

Uh, ya missed the Shredder…

*WIDE – Karai WHIPS the SPIKED TALISMAN CHAIN at Leo, Raph, and Don’s feet.  It LASHES the ground and with that same PURPLE FLASH they all find themselves on the floor with Mikey.

MICHAELANGELO (CONT’D)

Uh, ya missed again!

ON KARAI – she sneers at the Turtles.

*KARAI

Do not try to win favor with me.  I will avenge my father and destroy you once I am finished with them!"

You know, I'm all for Karai being strong and self-confident, but she (or rather the writer) is starting to push the envelope towards silliness. I mean, consider the situation -- Karai has just seen this resurrected Shredder wipe out everything sent against him -- multiple Shrednaughts, Foot Tech ninjas, Shredder Elite Ninjas, and so on -- and she should look on the Turtles' arrival as AT LEAST a diversion for her foe which might allow her to get an effective hit in. Instead, she foolishly and unstrategically lashes out at the Turtles! I understand that they are "on her list" -- she wants to get them back for what she thinks they did to her "father" -- but it really seems stupid to me that she would waste time and energy lashing out at the Turtles at this moment.

4.) Re: the following:

"FIRE

Have you not yet realized?

WATER

Without you, we could never have freed the Shredder.

AIR

For it was you…that freed us! 

ON THE FOOT MYSTICS – each of their ELEMENTAL POWERS suddenly SWIRL around them, TRANSFORMING them into their past forms.

CLOSE ON LEO – his eyes widen with the horrible realization.

EARTH (OC)

When you took that crystal?"

Why is Earth saying that last line like a question rather than a statement?

5.) Re: the following:

"*ON MIKEY – his AMULET and MYSTIC MARKINGS are shining brightly as he uses his MULTIPLYING skills to play hide and seek with Mystic Air and Mystic Fire.  To start off, he’s perched on top the end of an altar.   

MICHAELANGELO

Up high!

*Mystic Fire shoots a STREAM OF FIRE at Mikey but it goes right through him and lights the table on fire.  Now, another Mikey appears under the table, too, only at the other end."

"Multiplying skills"?

6.) Re: the following:

"*CHAPLIN

It was just a matter of creating an special chemical elixir that could polarize the Arcanian flux of the--"

Minor point, but it should be "a special" and not "an special".

7.) Whew! Anyone complaining that this series lacks enough action should just shut the heck up after this episode!

-- Pete

-----------------------------------

Subj:  comments on Ep. 112 ("New World Order, Part 1") second draft

Date:  Saturday, March 12, 2005 4:31:47 PM

From:  Peter Laird

To:    Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,

I just found when I logged on just now that there was a "final" of 112 sent to me yesterday, but thought I should send this along, even if some of these things have already been addressed.

comments on Ep. 112 script second draft

1.) Re: the following:

"*RAPHAEL

Yeah, that was my dream.  And then, she was at the mercy of the Shredder!

ON DONNY, cautiously adding to the narrative.

*DONATELLO

I saw that, too! And then New York was transformed into a horror show!

ON MIKE, starting to realize how weird this all is.

*MICHELANGELO

Yeah! And then the Shredder himself was there, acting all “King of the World”! "

Maybe it's the timing -- I'm reading this a week before the Donatello "alternate universe ruled by the Shredder" episode is scheduled to air -- but it occurred to me that it might be cool (albeit not vital) to have Don reference, very briefly, his experience in that dreadful world in this scene... maybe make a comparison of that other universe and his dream here.

2.) Re: the following:

"*ON DONNY’S HAND as it PUNCHES a BUTTON on the dash.

*DONATELLO

Don’t be a backseat turtle, Mikey!

*ON THE TAXI as its TIRES SWIVEL and become bases for HYDRAULIC LEGS that lift the TAXI itself ten feet above the ground.

*CLOSE ON THE REAR LEFT SIDE of the TAXI as a HYDRAULIC LEG EXTENDS UPWARD.

*WIDEN and FOLLOW the TAXI as it advances on its HYDRAULIC LEGS toward TWO CARS that are TANGLED TOGETHER."

Hmmm... I think I liked "stealth mode" better than this -- and I wasn't too crazy about "stealth mode". This is skirting dangerously close to the edge of total silliness. Maybe it can be saved in the design stage, with a really cool design, but right now it reminds me of the old cartoon show.

3.) Re: the following:

"*KARAI and SHREDDER move toward each other.  Shredder’s hand glows with DARK MYSTIC ENERGY.  KARAI rears back with her GAUNTLET-CLAW, preparing to strike a blow.

*ON the Turtles, weapons raised, as MYSTICS advance on them.

*RAPHAEL

Don’t confront the Shredder, huh?

*LEONARDO

No problem.  We’ll be dead before we can get to him.

FADE OUT:

TO BE CONTINUED"

Those last two lines from Raph and Leo are pretty weak, not to mention that they make little sense. 

-- Pete

Blast from the Past #463: March 4, 2005: Re: 114 ("Fathers and Sons") Outline

Subj: Re: 114 Outline
Date: Friday, March 4, 2005 12:29:15 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine


In a message dated 3/3/05 4:37:54 PM, Lloyd writes:

Hi Pete –
  
 While I wasn’t at all happy with this outline myself, I have no objections to Splinter bringing the Turtles on the trip, and I think  the idea of the Ancient One giving the Turtles their original masks (the over the whole head ones) works very nicely.  You did too, once upon a time - - they were your ideas!  ;)  And they’re in the approved season 5 story arc document.
  
 I don’t think any of this violates the continuity that we’ve set up for our series, and we can do many things to explain and clarify if that’ll help.  My big concern was that the writer had Splinter and the Ancient One argue all episode for no reason – there was no reason for the trip, no reason for this story – and that to me was the real problem.  Once we have a compelling reason for Splinter to take this trip (the death of Yoshi, for example) everything else will fall into place.
  
 Lloyd


Lloyd,


I had a devil of a time tracking down your extensive Season 5 document on my laptop's hard drive, but I finally found it, and you are right -- the whole Splinter/Ancient One/Turtle Tots story is in there. I'll paste in here the most germane section:

"We open with Splinter and Yoshi living in NYC.  Yoshi was a leader of the Utrom Guardians.  “Against my wishes!” grumbles the Ancient One bitterly.  
We briefly recap the death of Yoshi at Shredder’s hands, the advent of the Utrom ooze spill, the transformation of Splinter, and his sudden realization that he has become a) intelligent and self conscious and b) the father of four!
Not knowing quite what to do with himself, he packs up his family (the turtles are not wearing masks yet) and decides to journey to the only “family” he has left in the world.  He seeks out the Ancient One for guidance…
Splinter finds the Ancient One in his backyard garden, hanging up his wet laundry (including several brightly colored pieces of cloth)."

I'm not completely sure why the problems inherent in this premise didn't register with me at the time, but maybe they only became clear to me when I got the most fully realized outline. These problems are:


1.) When does Splinter make this big trip? The implication here is that it is pretty soon after he and the Turtles have mutated, and he does it because he doesn't know "quite what to do with himself". Doesn't it seem a bit off that at the same time that Splinter doesn't know what to do with himself, he has the presence of mind to undertake this long, complicated and perilous trip -- and not by himself, but with four infant or toddler Turtles tagging along? Especially when he undertakes this huge and dangerous trek with no guarantee that he will even be able to find the Ancient One, and even if he can, no guarantee that the Ancient One will have anything to do with him or his young charges. I guess it bothers me that Splinter would put the young Turtles in jeopardy in this manner -- it seems very irresponsible.


2.) Splinter supposedly makes this journey to be with "the only “family” he has left in the world", i.e. the Ancient One. This seems to me to be a bit of a stretch. If Splinter knows enough about the Ancient One to know where to find him and what his connection to Yoshi was, then he must also know that Yoshi and the Ancient One were estranged, and thus no longer "family" in the way which is implied here.


3.) All of the Turtles meet and hang out with the Ancient One in this episode. He even gives them their colored bandanas. Yet, when Leo went in search of the Ancient One in the fourth (?) season, he didn't recognize him. And when the rest of the Turtles met the Ancient One in the beginning of the fifth season, it was as if that was the first time they had met him. How do we reconcile this? To just say that all the Turtles FORGOT this significant trip and events in their young lives strains credulity, I think.


One thing that seems apparent is that we don't REALLY need the Turtle Tots to accompany Splinter on his trip to see the Ancient One. I mean, they don't really make a big difference to the plot and the action, do they? The only thing I can think of that they do to advance anything is when one of them does something that uncovers the secret entrance to the underground chamber, but that could be accomplished in many other ways. Yes, it's charming and cute to see them doing charming and cute l'il Turtle Tot things, but  not, I think, necessary.
I have a couple of suggestions:


1.) My preference would be that the Turtle Tots DON'T accompany Splinter on his trip to Japan to find the Ancient One. Instead, they would stay in their lair in NYC by themselves. This could be the first time that Splinter has left them alone like this, and that could be a fun story in and of itself. (What hijinks cold ensue without "dad" around?) If we had to do a bit where the Ancient One sees the Turtle Tots for whatever reason, we could have him use his secret mystic powers to open up a kind of scrying window (perhaps at Splinter's request -- he's anxious about the boys and wants to know how they are doing without him).
The Turtle Tots could already have bandanas in this solo story, but they would be all RED (a nice nod to the original comics), and Splinter could still return from his trip with the different-colored bandanas, a gift from the Ancient One.


2.) If you refuse to see my impeccable logic, and absolutely MUST have Splinter drag his poor little boys on the trip to Japan, I would need two things to happen: (a) that we somehow show and/or tell that the trip was HELL and Splinter regrets the rash and ill-thought-out decision to bring the Turtle Tots along, and (b) that the Ancient One somehow uses his special abilities to make the Turtle Tots FORGET that they ever met him. This, in turn, would require some expressions of surprise from the Turtles as Splinter is telling this story, because they don't remember ever meeting the Ancient One on that long ago trip (maybe they are made to forget the entire trip itself).


-- Pete

Blast from the Past #462: March 2, 2005: Re: Notes on 111 ("Membership Drive") and March 3, 2005: Re: 114 ("Fathers and Sons") Outline

Subj: Re: Notes on 111 ("Membership Drive")
Date: Wednesday, March 2, 2005 1:30:06 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


I could comment on another (mis)usage of "wailing" when "whaling" is called for, but given the nature of this script, that would feel very petty...




... because I freakin' LOVED it! This has to be one of the most satisfying scripts in a while. I actually laughed out loud several times while reading it. Great job!


-- Pete

-----------------------------


Subj: Re:  114 ("Fathers and Sons") Outline
Date: Thursday, March 3, 2005 12:32:25 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my comments on the Ep. 114 outline.

1.) Re: the following:

"We open on an eerie full moon against a blood red night sky."

Very poetic, but as far as I can tell, impossible. How can the sky at NIGHT be "blood red"? Plus, the mention of a red sky puts me in mind of the old cartoon, the last season of which I believe is referred to as the "red sky" season. I MIGHT be able to buy a blood red moon, as that makes a little more sense.


2.) Re: the following:

"Splinter is aghast as he pulls a stick out of his jacket (the one that will become his walking stick).  Mikey flees under Splinter’s jacket."

Splinter's wearing a jacket? That's a first.


3.) Re: the following:

"We push in close on one of the faces of the Utroms in the room with Yoshi, and it transforms into the Utrom face of the Shredder.  We pull out to reveal that the Shredder Utrom is in his armor.  The abdomen door shuts and the Shredder’s red eyes flare. "

This is a little confusing. Is it meant to be "symbolic", or are we saying that one of the Utroms in this room with Yoshi is actually the Shredder?


4.) Re: the following:

"Splinter: “I recalled a trip Master Yoshi often made to see a sage, old…”


At this point the Ancient One cuts a fart.  Mikey laughs.


Splinter: “…malodorous man.”


Splinter tells that this was the only family he knew of, so he packed up his four young wards and made the trek to see the Ancient One.  It is at this point that we transition to full on flashback mode. "

I am again confused, by several things here. If Splinter had observed that his Master Yoshi had often made a trip to see the Ancient One, the only way Splinter would know WHERE that trip took Yoshi would be if Yoshi had taken Splinter with him. And if THAT is true, then Splinter and the Ancient One had met  BEFORE Yoshi came to NYC, as the Ancient One lives in Japan, and as far as I know, Yoshi never went back there after he came to NYC.
But more important -- are we saying that Splinter returned to Japan with ALL FOUR TURTLE TOTS in tow, just to see the Ancient One? That seems a bit ridiculous.
Also, doesn't this break continuity? In the episode where Leo goes to see the Ancient One and receive training from him, Leo doesn't recognize him... but if Leo had seen the Ancient One when Leo was a youngster, wouldn't he have remembered him?


5.) Re: the following:

"  The Ancient One’s eyes widen as he murmurs to himself with alarm “…the Black Shuck…”"

Maybe I'm missing something, but "The Black Shuck" has to be one of the GOOFIEST names I've ever heard.


6.) Re: the following:

" He dodges a few close jaw snaps and with a flick of his wrist, the Ancient One scatters a mystical dust over the Shuck.  The powder transforms the beast into a cute Black Shuck puppy."

The Disney-esque "fairy dust" bit makes me somewhat queazy, not just here but in the next paragraph:

"Leo pours a magical powder all over Mikey’s head.  Mikey’s head quickly transforms in a super-quick homage to the old Turtles series: his head becomes Bebop <POOF> Rocksteady <POOF> Krang’s Android Head, and <POOFS> back to Mikey’s head. "

Yuck. What's the point?


7.) Re: the following:

"Later, the Ancient One leads Splinter and the Tots into the Ninja Tribunal Monastery Courtyard.  We see the members of the Ninja Tribunal each instructing their own squad of acolytes. The Ancient One points out each Tribunal member to Splinter.  Chikara leads her acolytes in Strength exercises, Kon instructs a Spirit lesson, Hisomi teaches Stealth, and Juto harshly drills his acolytes on Weapons."

Again, doesn't this break continuity? I thought the Turtles had not met the Ninja Tribunal until the beginning of Season Five.


8.) Re: the following:

"It is here that we meet Miseros Mal: a tall, charming, handsome Ninja master. "

"Miseros Mal"? Okay, now "The Black Shuck" has been knocked from its position of "Goofiest Name".


9.) Re: the following:

"Splinter dodges the falling Miseros.  The Ancient One complains that Splinter missed a prime opportunity to strike; he had in fact kicked Miseros towards him for this very reason – doesn’t Splinter know that formation!?!  Splinter quarrels back, and Miseros gets the chance to get in his feet.  He grabs Splinter’s tail and swings him at the Ancient One. The Ancient One dodges the airborne Splinter and the rat slams HARD into a wall. When Splinter comes to he bickers back at the Ancient One that his pointless arguing made him lose focus."

If you took the worst old cliched comic book "superheroes bitch at each other during a fight" scene and made it even dopier, I think you'd end up with the scene above. Lame, lame, lame.


10.) While I appreciate the effort made in this episode to create a clever "origin" story for the Turtles' masks, it just doesn't work for me, as much of this episode doesn't. The inclusion of the Turtle Tots throughout seems mostly for unnecessary, strained comic relief, and as I have stated earlier, seems to play havoc with established continuity. I'm all for telling a "How Splinter and the Ancient One Met and Came to Dislike Each Other" story, but this one to me is a big misfire.


-- Pete

Blast from the Past #461: February 26, 2005: comments on Ep. 110 ("Nightmares Recycled") third draft

Subj: comments on Ep. 110 ("Nightmares Recycled") third draft
Date: Saturday, February 26, 2005 3:04:52 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine


Lloyd,


Before I get into my specific comments, I would like to commend whoever it was who transformed what I considered a weak, non-viable script into one which actually works pretty well. Impressive!


1.) Well, it's not exactly what I was thinking about when I made the suggestion that Hun and Garbageman turn out to be brothers, and it's pretty twisted, but this conjoined-then separated-twins thing actually kind of works. I think we could have gotten a lot more emotional content out of a slightly different approach which would have given Hun and Garbageman more complicated and compelling emotional arcs, but I won't quibble.


However, now that we HAVE established this surprising connection -- one which, if further (and properly) explored, could turn Garbageman into a GREAT character (in my humble opinion) -- it seems a shame to kill him off! (Which is what I think happens, irrevocably it would seem, in this script, wherein Garbageman dissolves in a vat of acid.) I wonder if we should do something which would leave it a little more open-ended, although SEEMING final. Not sure what that would be, exactly. One suggestion -- which I will openly admit strains credulity a tad -- might be that, unknown to our heroes (and Hun) Garbageman is either (a) immune to the effects of that acid through some mutant physiological factor, or (b) he has treated his body with chemicals which allow him to resist the effects of the acid for a short time (something which might be a sensible precaution as operator of Recycle World, with all those carelessly placed vats of acid you can fall into or be splashed by).


2.) Re: the following:

"EXT.  JUNKYARD – DAY 
HUN JR. runs happily holding the freshly removed, unconscious GARBAGEMAN JR, his lower half wrapped in DIRTY BLANKETS.  Hun JR. <TOSSES> Garbageman Jr. into a pile of TRASH.  CAM FOLLOWS Garbageman Jr.’s flight, falling unconscious amid the garbage."

  It seems a little preposterous that young Hun could run right after such a serious  operation... and unlikely as well that -- if his motive in finding the creepy doctor was to just get rid of his conjoined twin -- Hun would care enough about that twin to have the doctor keep the twin alive during or after the operation.


I would suggest a slightly tweaked version, in which Hun and the creepy doctor strike a deal -- the doctor will do the operation, but as payment he gets to keep the malformed twin for his own sick purposes, to experiment on as he sees fit. But at some point the freak turns on the doctor and kills him, then takes over his equipment and supplies ("recycles" them, you might say) to begin his career as Garbageman.


I would prefer this approach for several reasons, not least because a conjoined twin of this nature could not very likely be easily removed -- it would require extra surgery before its systems (circulatory and digestive are the two that come first to mind) could be self-sustaining.


Also, it would be good if there was a LITTLE bit more shading in Hun's attitude toward his "freak" twin. I can easily see that Hun would hate the freak -- who wants to have something like that hanging out of the side of one's body? talk about impediments to a social life! -- but I think he would also have SOME kind of limited affection for it. After all, it's not the freak's fault that he was born the worse half of the combo. Hun should have SOME little bit of nagging guilt that he callously got rid of his brother. In short, I think instead of a "hate" relationship, there should be more of a "love/hate" relationship (with more emphasis on the "hate" part, I'm sure).


3.) I could see how Garbageman could/would recognize Hun when he sees him -- but how could Hun immediately recognize Garbageman? After all, the last time Hun saw his freakish twin, it was a lot younger and smaller, and besides that, Hun most likely assumes that his twin had long since perished.


4.) Re: the following:

"HUN rolls to his feet looking madder than hell when …
ONE OF THE GARBAGE WORKERS lifts a blowpipe (made from real pipe with threads and everything) to his lips and <PFFT>!
ON HUN as a DART <WHIZZES> into his neck.  He staggers, fighting it, but his eyes shut and he falls to the ground.


ON – RAPH AND CASEY start to move in an attack towards the Garbageman.


ON RAPH AND CASEY – DARTS <WHIZ> into each of their necks.  A second later they drop to their knees and pass out. "

There is nothing per se wrong with this, but the obvious question when you introduce such an effective way of neutralizing our heroes is -- why doesn't the bad guy use it EVERY time? I think it would work better for me if something was added to soften up our heroes before they get darted -- like maybe a shock or gas grenade or an electric shock to disorient them momentarily so they can't dodge the darts like they ordinarily would be able to.


5.) Re: the following:

"HUN
After I take care of my brother, I am so going to take care of you guys."

The use of the phrase "so going to" sounds much younger than Hun, more like what a teenager might say. And to use "take care" twice in one line seems a bit much. Here's one suggestion for a way to change this line:


"HUN
After I finish with my brother, I'll take care of you pests."


6.) Re: the following:

"DRAMATIC DOWN SHOT – of Garbageman falling into the acid. 
THE TURTLES AND CO. wince at Garbageman’s demise.  Hun looks on… unmoved.
HUN
Goodbye … brother.
ON GARBAGEMAN’S HAND – reaching out as it sinks into the vat."

I think Hun should not be "unmoved" by Garbageman's apparent demise. No, he shouldn't break down and sob, but I think a little mixed emotions are called for... and this could be sold well by the right reading of the line "Goodbye... brother" and the expression Hun has at that moment.


7.) Re: the following:

"ANGLE ON – Hun stands near one helicopter with a PURPLE DRAGON PILOT inside.  Casey, April, Raphael and Donatello stand near the large, open side-door.
HUN
This isn’t finished between us.
CASEY
Hun, it ain’t never gonna be finished between us … until one of us is …
HUN
I know.  But, not today.
Hun addresses the pilot.
HUN
Take them wherever they want to go … and no harm comes to them!  They’re under my personal protection … at least for right now."

I think I know what is going on here -- Hun's life was saved in the bowels of Recycle World by the Turtles and Casey, so he "owes them one"... and thus lets/helps them get away THIS time. Right? If so, I think that should be made a little more clear by tweaking the dialogue here.


-- Pete

Blast from the Past #460: February 18, 2005: Re: Outlines 111 ("Membership Drive") and 113 ("New World Order, Part 2")

Subj: Re: Outlines 111 ("Membership Drive") and 113 ("New World Order, Part 2")
Date: Friday, February 18, 2005 2:48:09 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here is my one comment on the Ep. 111 outline second draft.


1.) Re: the following:

"Stockman interrupts.  He’s detected an odd but powerful source of energy.  Very advanced, potentially alien.  Bishop tells him to take a commando unit to investigate; he’s totally focused on finding the identity of the shadowy informant who duped him."

Because it seems to me that the nearly-inert/inactive Nanobots would not logically be giving off anything near a "powerful" energy signature, I would like to suggest an alternative way of getting the Nanobots and Stockman together:


Bishop receives (or intercepts) a police report of a smallish-- but potentially powerful/dangerous/useful -- piece of what appears to be Triceraton or Federation technology left over from the invasion of Earth. Stockman jumps on this -- most of this alien debris has long since been cleared away and/or destroyed, and this could be his last chance to grab a piece of what might be very valuable alien technology. He takes a squad out to the amusement park to check it out.
It turns out that the mysterious artifact -- which had lodged in the head of a big plastic figure (one of many decorating the park) -- is a dud... it's just a fragment of spaceship hull, perhaps interesting for its metallurgical properties, but not much else. Disgusted, Stockman turns to go... but then notices an odd, fine dust clinging to his hand where he had rested it on a railing (or some other appropriate surface). Intrigued, he "magnifies his computerized POV over and over" and sees, to his surprise -- Nanobots! Millions of them! Stockman immediately orders his squad to bring special high-tech magno-vacuum cleaners and suck up as many of these little robots as they can find (we could do a shot of the squad wearing magnifying goggles and wielding these specialized vacuum cleaners).
I think it's important -- though we don't need to dwell on it -- that both Stockman and Bishop are somewhat mystified as to the origin of these nanobots, as this sort of tech is definitely not common. Perhaps they could even muse that it might be the remnants of some Triceraton or Federation weapon which misfired, or something.


     Here are my comments on the Ep. 113 outline.


     1.) Re: the following:

"Karai then dishes out another kick to Don, then Raph and then Mikey! 


 Mikey (confused, in pain): “Uh, ya missed him again!”


Raph (angry, in pain):  “Sheesh lady, what is your problem?!  We’re here to help ya!”


Before the Turtles know it, they’re all piled in a beat up heap at the corner.  Karai then looks to the Shredder, hoping to have proved a point."

     I might be able to buy Karai sucker punching and taking out one, or MAYBE two Turtles, but her being able to do this to all four of them so easily is silly. I think her point could be made by taking out one Turtle.


     2.) Re: the following:

"With that, Karai charges the Shredder and the fight is on.  The Turtles to stay out of it for now—after all, Karai’s made it pretty clear that she doesn’t want their help and perhaps she won’t even need it…at least, for now.


The Foot Mystics also stay out of the fight.  Not only do they want to fully savor their revenge, but why would the Shredder need their assistance to take out Karai?"

     I could kind of see the Foot Mystics staying out of the fight, but it seems weird to me that the Turtles would, REGARDLESS of what Karai says she wants. The Turtles should KNOW that -- unless Karai has some incredible power or ability that she has been hiding up until now -- there is really no way she is going to be able to take down this resurrected icon of evil. For them to then stand back and watch her get pulverized seems... dishonorable.
     If it is deemed necessary to keep the Turtles temporarily out of this fight so that we can SHOW how powerless Karai is against this newly resurrected Shredder, maybe they can be held back by the Mystics... or some other menace the Shredder has called up.


     3.) It seems a bit odd -- almost insane -- that Karai would continue to try to best the Shredder in physical combat after he has just shown her that even her sword through his chest does nothing to stop him or even slow him down. Not great strategy on her part. Maybe it would make more sense if we show that she tries to retreat and regroup her forces, but the Shredder and his allies make it difficult if not impossible for her to do so.


     4.) Re: the following:

"With the Mystics and the Shredder still taken aback, the Turtles each grab a Ninja Air Pack from one of the fallen Foot Soldiers, then grab the badly wounded Karai and make a quick escape."

     As none of the Turtles has ever used -- or even SEEN -- a Foot Ninja Air Pack before this episode, doesn't it seem kind of silly that they would be able to just grab this unfamiliar technology and know how to use it to make a "quick escape"?


     -- Pete

Blast from the Past #459: February 11, 2005: comments Ep. 110 ("Nightmares Recycled") first draft

Subj: comments Ep. 110 ("Nightmares Recycled") first draft
Date: Friday, February 11, 2005 2:24:52 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my comments on the Ep. 110 first draft.


Before I get into specific comments, I have to reiterate that I think we are missing a wonderful opportunity with this episode to add a lot of depth to two under-rendered character -- Hun and (especially) Garbageman -- by exploiting my suggestion that we reveal that they are brothers. Instead, we basically have a repeat of the previous two Garbageman episodes, with a few details changed, and a silly, cliched origin story for Garbageman.


1.) Re: the following:

"CLOSER ON A CONVEYOR BELT – we watch some of the recycling process.  A CRANE drops a LOAD OF TRASH onto the belt.  Instantly CHOPPING BLADES descend on MECHANICAL ARMS to <DICE> up the trash.  FOLLOW THE TRASH as the conveyor belt moves the sliced trash under a HUGE COMPACTOR that comes down to <MASH> all the trash flat.  The conveyor belt proceeds to feed the sliced up, mashed trash into a huge <FLAMING> INCINERATOR (NOTE: the belt runs UNDER the flames of the incinerator, carrying the trash through to be melted, not entirely burned).
GARBAGEMAN (VO CONT’D)
Where the garbage that this city foolishly squanders is harvested – given value, given worth!
FOLLOW THE TRASH on the conveyor belt as it comes through the other side of the incinerator and we see two of the GARBAGEMAN’S WORKERS sifting through the STEAMING GARBAGE on the belt."

I am baffled -- how is this "recycling"? It seems totally ludicrous, done solely so we can have a "Tim Burton-esque" setting. I'm pretty sure that REAL recycling doesn't start with CHOPPING, MASHING, and MELTING, but instead begins with separating your raw materials into different basic groups so you can then determine what you have and what can be reused. Or maybe Garbageman's version of recycling is totally insane... which could be valid, given his character, but then that would affect the rest of the story.


2.) Re: the following:

"CLOSER ON THE TWO WORKERS: they are ghoulish, deformed, subhuman looking characters.  Their skin is pressed tight against their skulls.  They have large, protruding eyes (think Gollum from Lord of the Rings).  Their teeth are pointy, their hair disheveled, their skin a sickly yellowish hue.  "

The obvious question here is -- aside from the desire to have a "Tim Burton-esque" look -- WHY? Why do they look this way? Why are their teeth "pointy"? Garbageman later claims that the were "once human garbage", so the assumption is that they are or were human -- how did they become these "Lord of the Rings" rejects?


3.) Re: the following:

"A loud <BUZZING> goes off.  The group stops short and looks around, alarmed – except for Don, who looks at his work area.  
CLOSE ON DON – his eyes widen as he smiles.
DONATELLO
The Shell Comm! 
WIDE ON DON  - running to his work area towards a new device, THE SHELL COMM. – a COMPUTER HUB with FLAT SCREEN MONITORS SUSPENDED ON METAL ARMS and lots of DIALS, BUTTONS and SPEAKERS."

This is SO dumb. Are we REALLY supposed to believe that this is the first time the Turtles have heard the "Shell Com"'s buzzer, so that they're "alarmed"? A buzzer -- yeah, that's pretty alarming. And the description of this "Shell Com" thing sounds ridiculous, considering that Don had, three seasons ago, created the Shell Cells, which were apparently a lot more sophisticated than this thing.


4.) Re: the following:

"OTS DON as he takes a SEAT at the Shell Comm’s console.  A monitor before him ignites, on the screen is APRIL O’ NEIL."

"Ignites" does not mean "turns on", it means "starts burning". Or is this a new retro-tech Don has come up with -- candle-powered monitors?


5.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
See you at the junkyard in half hour!"

That should be "half AN hour".


6.) Re: the following:

"A <COUGHING> APRIL throws her arms around a <COUGHING> Casey.


CASEY
April! I’ve <cough> been wantin’ to <COUGH> ask you somethin’ 


CASEY AND APRIL pass out to the floor, shrouded by black smoke."

Considering that he says this AFTER they've all started choking and passing out from the gas coming out of the submersible,  this is REALLY dopey timing for this Casey line.


7.) This whole "Trojan Horse" bit with the submersible in the junkyard strikes me as really silly and lacking in logic. How did it get there? How does it leave? It seems to me that something that weird would garner a LOT of attention coming and going.  And it's a SUBMERSIBLE, right? Wouldn't it make more sense if it were found somewhere near WATER? Also, why does Garbageman bother with this "dependent on sheer chance" method of gathering his "human garbage", when in his very first appearance he had a much more efficient way of doing so (his amphibious vehicle camouflaged as a garbage truck)? I appreciate the need to somehow get our characters into Garbageman's clutches, but this just seems really weak and contrived.


8.) Re: the following:

"HUN 
If this is some trick you sick freaks pulled, I’m gonna tear your heads off and use them as Xmas ornaments."

So how is Hun going to say that -- "Xmas" or "Christmas"? Can't the writer be bothered to actually write out "Christmas"?


9.) Re: the following:

"ON A GARBAGE WORKER - furiously shoveling COAL into a FURNACE with a SHOVEL.  PAN LEFT past the furnace to see an ASSEMBLY LINE, where another GARBAGE WORKER greedily sifts through TRASH."

So Garbageman, with all his high tech devices, uses a COAL-burning furnace?


10.) Re: the following:

"GARBAGEMAN
A closed system…a perfect system!"

Garbageman (or the writer) obviously doesn't know what a closed system is -- one where nothing comes in and nothing goes out. That is clearly NOT what he has set up here.


11.) Garbageman's "circus freak" origin story is about as hoary a cliche as you can get.


12.) Re: the following:

"Casey and Hun find a PIPE and a STOP SIGN respectively and smash a blade apiece, but two blades lower to take the place of the blades they smashed! They keep swinging!"

Thank goodness that the blades which would otherwise chop up stop signs and pipes are vulnerable to those same stop signs and pipes when they are swung against the blades!


13.) Re: the following:

"RAPH dodges, then <SMASHES> two blades with his sai, breaking both!"

Maybe these are just the "practice blades", not the real ones which are supposed to chop up the garbage. Or somebody sold Garbageman some cheap imitation counterfeit blades. Sheesh.


14.) Re: the following:

"HUN
I’m gonna kick that fat psycho’s butt, right after I “recycle” you Jones!
HUN and CASEY leap for each other angrily and start fighting.
CASEY
Yeah…your mother!"

This action is SO dopey... and makes both Hun and Casey seem like complete morons who can't see IMMEDIATELY that escaping their imprisonment by this whackbag Garbageman takes precedence over their feud with each other.


15.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
I’ve seen Garbageman tech before… Disable one, and they all go down"

Isn't THAT convenient? When did Don see this? I don't remember any incidents from Garbagman's past two appearances that would lead to this conclusion. And what does it mean, anyway? "Disable one, and they all go down" -- one WHAT?


16.) Re: the following:

" The conveyor belt drops everything into a HUGE SHREDDER.


CLOSE ON OUR HORRIFIED HEROES AND HUN.  Hun points ahead! 


HUN
The Shredder!"

Hah. Hah. This might ALMOST be funny if Raphael didn't repeat pretty much the same gag after the break.


17.) Re: the following:

"ON PLATFORM– Hun grabs the BO and THE TURTLES AND CASEY hoist him up. Hun is stunned, incredulous, wide-eyed, touched.
HUN
You…saved…me…WHY?"

While I have no problem at all with a scene which has the Turtles and Casey saving Hun instead of doing nothing and letting him die, this one is just dumb. This is HUN, remember -- the guy who can swing lampposts like they're toothpicks. SURELY in this kind of situation, he could pull himself up!


18.) Re: the following:

"THE GROUPS POV of the platform leading to the corridor – a ways down it is GARBAGE WORKER #1 carrying a WHEEL BARREL OF TRASH."

A "wheel barrel" -- is that anything like a WHEELBARROW?


19.) Re: the following:

"ON GROUP – on Casey’s order they charge after him.
CASEY
Get’ em!"

"'Em" is short for "them". If they are only chasing one person -- and assuming that person is male -- it would be "'im" (short for "him").


20.) The whole scene with the worker is, to put it mildly, wacky. First, our group charges after this poor guy -- why? Then Raph immediately wants to just beat the crap out of him -- why? Then Don stops Raph from hurting the guy, saying that they need to find out from the guy where Garbageman is (huh? why do they need to know that?) and how to get out of Recycle World... but doesn't even ASK the guy anything! (Bizarrely, Don even promises that Raph can beat the guy up later if Raph's good.) And then everybody stands around watching as Hun tortures this guy, breaking his bones, and nobody lifts a finger. And to cap off this stupidity, Don and Raph have a fun little conversation about how "good guys" can't torture people, but lucky for them "bad guys" like Hun can, all while this worker -- who has done NOTHING to any of them, and is obviously one of Garbageman's VICTIMS -- is brutalized by Hun. This is APPALLINGLY bad writing.


21.) Re: the following:

"THE TURTLES, CASEY, AND HUN look utterly horrified as they look off camera. 
REVERSE – the lights reveal the GARBAGEMAN.  "

Has this writer even SEEN any of the episodes of this show? Why are these characters "utterly horrified"? They have all seen things MUCH scarier than freakin' Garbageman! I could see them looking disgusted or repulsed, but "utterly horrified"? No way.


22.) Re: the following:

"CLOSE ANGLE ON DON - the SERPENT’S JAWS are headed for his head.  SUDDENLY - RAPH leaps in and <STABS> at the serpent’s “neck”.  
The “HEAD” flies off, the arms coils loosen, Don wriggles free.
WIDER – GARBAGEMAN watches the action!  The arm extends forth a new SERPENT HEAD (from the “neck hole” left by the first head) then CHOMPS DOWN AROUND RAPH’S TORSO and hoists him in the air.
ON RAPH - the SERPENT ARM sends <ELECTRICTY> surging through it, <ZAPPING> Raph, keeping him in a painful electrical stasis. "

This stuff is painfully cheesy. I like how the magical head-replacing serpent arm only remembers that it can send electricity through itself when it's holding Raph, but doesn't do it to Don. Bad, bad, bad.


23.) Re: the following:

"CASEY wails on GARBAGEMAN’S OPPOSITE SIDE with two bat-sized PIPES.  "

It's "whales", not "wails".


24.) Re: the following:

"GARBAGEMAN
You had “opinions” about my work, perhaps you be recycled first?"

Should that be "you should be"?


25.) Re: the following:

" Hun continues <WAILING> on the machine fiercely."

Buy this writer a dictionary! It's "whaling", not "wailing".


26.) Re: the following:

"FOLLOW CASEY as he runs to a nearby PILE OF TRASH and picks up a giant TIMBER SAW BLADE.  He runs to the base of the CLAW ARM holding APRIL and <SLICES> the arm clean off. "

I don't get this action at all. A "timber saw blade"? You mean one of those things that is used to cut WOOD? And Casey simply picks it up and casually slices through a METAL arm?


27.) Re: the following:

"Garbageman hangs on to the damaged catwalk for dear life.  It <CREAKS>, giving way.
THE TURTLES get as close as they can get to him on their (undamaged) catwalk.  Don reaches out with his BO. 
ON GARBAGEMAN – he reaches out, but at the last second, the catwalk gives, dropping him into the acid below as it falls.
GARBAGEMAN
<FRIGHTENED YELL>
DRAMATIC DOWNSHOT – of Garbageman falling into the acid. "

Let me see if I understand this. Shortly before Garbageman is dangling over the vat of acid, the Turtles are willing to push over another vat of acid, the plan being that the acid will rush towards Garbageman and his partially-disabled walker machine and (apparently) destroy both him and the machine. They clearly don't care if Garbageman gets caught in the "river" of acid that they make flow toward him. But now, for some reason, they want to SAVE him from being dissolved in acid. WTF?!


28.) Re: the following:

" RAPH
Hey, that oversized noggin of yours sure came in handy when you climbed on up and fried those robo blade arms.  
DONATELLO
And nice assist on the lock to Garbageman’s lair. 
DONATELLO (CONT’D)
By the way, thanks for getting “mean and green” on Garbageman when he had me in his claw.  I thought he as going to drop me in that acid for sure.  You really raised some shell, Raph.
RAPH
Aw…that was nothing…compared to your idea to tip over the acid.  Hey…who needs Leo and Mikey…we are the Teenage Mutant Dream Team.  Gimme’ some green!"

This congratulatory exchange seems completely pointless to me, reiterating as it does action we've already seen, and for no apparent reason. 


-- Pete

Blast from the Past #458: February 7, 2005: Re: Premise 111 ("Membership Drive"), and February 8, 2005: Re: Outline 112 ("New World Order")

Subj: Re: Premise 111 ("Membership Drive")
Date: Monday, February 7, 2005 10:55:48 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my comments on the Ep. 11 premise.

1.) Re: the following:

"LOGLINE: The Justice Force is having a recruitment drive for a new member, and Mikey plans on the Turtle Titan filling that slot!"

It seems more than a little bit silly that the Justice Force would be recruiting new members in the way it is described later on in this premise ("Camera pans across a line of superheroes!  Well, wannabe super heroes, anyway.  Dozens of freaks and fanboys with their home made costumes stand in line, waiting…) It makes them seem pretty silly. I know it worked in the old "Legion of Super Heroes" comics, but they were pretty silly themselves. Perhaps instead, news has leaked out about Tsunami and Chrysalis leaving for Justice Force East, and now all kinds of potential "heroes" have come out of the woodwork, clamoring for a position on the Justice Force (much to the JF's chagrin -- they never intended to look for new members in this "scattershot" way). But someone suggests turning it into an "American Idol"-type competition with proceeds going to charity. The winner will get to be a "Hero For A Day" and spend a whole day with the JF. (Actually, we should probably decide if all these people "trying out" are deluded posers, or if there are some with actual powers who might do well on the JF. In fact... it might be that there are one or two with real powers, and it's those powers which could turn the tide in the JF's battle against Nano.)


2.) Re: the following:

"Camera pans across a line of superheroes!  Well, wannabe super heroes, anyway.  Dozens of freaks and fanboys with their home made costumes stand in line, waiting… and in the middle of it is the Turtle Titan!  And behind him, a fidgety Leonardo. 


Leo is worried about people seeing them, but Mikey tell him to relax… look around!  They’re surrounded by costumed freaks and supernerds.  Realizing Mikey is right, Leo starts getting a little embarrassed by being associated with this crowd."

I don't get why Leo is with Mikey in this scene -- he is totally out of place here. Maybe we should have Casey instead -- he would probably enjoy the freak show, as well as possibly think he might fit in with the JF.


3.) Re: the following:

"Coney Island.  Several of Bishop’s Commandos under the supervision of Baxter Stockman are on the scene, collecting a crashed Triceraton ship from the sea.  Stockman notices something strange… what appears to be a cloud of metallic dust is hovering around the area, trying to take shape.


Later.  In one of Bishop’s NYC bases, Stockman is making his report on the ‘cloud’ to Bishop – it’s very advanced nano-technology, like nothing he’s ever seen.  Stockman has trapped the nano cloud, and has it in the lab.  It’s inactive, but Stockman is confident he can manipulate it for their purposes.


Bishop wants to weaponize the nano-tech, but when Stockman activates it, NANO wakes up!


Nano’s ‘face’ appears on all the lab monitors and he begins downloading data from Bishop’s computers.  Stockman finally succeeds in ejecting Nano from the computers, and he and Bishop watch as Nano takes form, creating a massive robot form (using hi-tech, possibly alien tech from Bishop’s lab)."

I need some clarification here -- what is Nano actually doing when they find it? As written, it is "a cloud of metallic dust is hovering around the area, trying to take shape", which to me reads like Nano at this point is awake and active. If so, that kind of puts a monkey wrench into what follows, as well as raises the question -- How does Stockman confine Nano? As we know, Nano can disassemble anything, including any cage that Stockman could put it into.
When Stockman was working for the Shredder, was he working to retrieve alien tech for the Shredder? If memory serves, he was... and if so, I think he (or Bishop) should make a passing reference to it here.
When I read that they find Nano while collecting a Triceraton ship, I almost immediately started envisioning a wild new version of Nano which would incorporate a lot of elements of the Triceraton technology, and have a twisted droid/cyborg-esque resemblance to an actual Triceraton -- albeit a huge one!


4.) Re: the following:

"Adult Nano has decided that humanity is inherently bad, and must be punished for their crimes.  It sees Leo and Raph and instantly recognizes them.  They’re going to be the first ones punished."

Does Nano really mistake these mutant turtles for humans? Also, I'm not sure I buy the transformation from "not wanting to have anything to do with humanity" to "must punish humanity". And what kind of "punishment" is he intending -- is he going to kill everyone? Wouldn't that make him just as bad as the humanity he is "punishing"?


5.) Re: the following:

"Nano-clouds spray from Nano, flowing into the Justice Tower itself.  In the lobby below, the wannabe JFers look around as suddenly the Tower itself begins to move!!!


Nano has taken over the Justice Tower.  Now taller than a skyscraper, he begins stomping through the bay toward New York City.  Inside, the building itself is attacking the Justice Force and Turtles, and Nano even takes over Ananda’s domebots, using them against the heroes."

Hmmmm... I don't have a good feeling about this. It's pretty over-the-top and veering towards REALLY silly. What if instead we establish early on that there is some kind of large heroic statue near the tower, and that is what Nano "possesses" and animates. Or maybe even more fun might be a group of several statues -- perhaps memorials to fallen former Justice Force members -- and Nano animates the whole group and battles the heroes in these forms.


6.) Re: the following:

"While Sentry, Metalhead and Ananda keep Nano distracted, Mikey and Leo go to the Tower’s power generator in hopes to shut it (and Nano) down. "

This doesn't make sense. We have established in past Nano appearances that its power supply is incorporated into its cloud of particles -- it doesn't require external power.


7.) Re: the following:

"Mikey saves Leo, but sacrifices himself in the process.  


Nano doesn’t understand Mikey’s sacrifice… but the Force explains that Mikey represents the best of humanity, that there is good in man, that there are heroes…


The light goes out in Nano’s eyes, and Mikey (now standing behind the Force and Leo, having used his mystical ninja speed to escape the ceiling fall) comments on the sadness of it all."

I'm not liking much, if any, of this. I like the idea of Nano somehow becoming a member of the Justice Force, but I think we need a better rationalization for its doing so. And if you think about it, Mikey's "sacrifice" is a sham, and once Nano realizes it (and it must) any change of heart inspired by the "sacrifice" would be wiped out.
Actually, as I typed those last few lines, it occurred to me that the conclusion of this episode -- Nano becoming a superhero and member of the JF -- might make for a better motivation for the bulk of the action. What if, instead of all the "I hate humanity/I must punish humanity" stuff, the real motivation for Nano's actions (which are misinterpreted as aggression) are that it wants to be a member of the JF, and it is "auditioning" for the JF?




-- Pete

------------------------------


Subj: Re: Outline 112 ("New World Order")
Date: Tuesday, February 8, 2005 12:41:55 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my comments on the Ep. 112 outline.


1.) Re: the following:

"Inside, we see the revived Shredder as he is tended to by the Foot Mystics. They bow before him and tell him how wonderful it is that he lives again. An elaborate meal is spread before him, and some dancing women perform for his amusement."

I hope these "dancing women" are not scantily clad bimbos -- that would amp the "cheese factor" up significantly. Perhaps we should make them somewhat demonic kabuki dancers, or leave them out altogether and possibly substitute musicians.


2.) Re: the following:

"Shredder knocks the food off the table and orders the women to leave. He must have answers. 


Shredder: “I have been gone for what you tell me is nearly 2000 years. The world was content to let me rot in my prison. Why have you come to my aid now?”


Metal: “We have studied your ways, master, and we believe you are mankind’s best hope.”


Shredder is still suspicious. He knows enough about the dark side of human nature to not trust the Mystics."

There are several odd things going on here. FIrst, why does the Shredder knock the food off the table? Seems like petulant behavior not worthy of the character.
Second, why are the Mystic's telling him he is "mankind's best hope"? What is that going to get them? What does the Shredder care for mankind?
Third -- and perhaps it's my memory's fault that this isn't clear -- what exactly is the relationship between the Mystics and the Shredder? For some reason, I thought that they were former associates of his, and that is why they are so dedicated to reviving him. Here they seem not to know each other. And the Mystics aren't EXACTLY human, right?


3.) Re: the following:

"Shredder: “Fear not. You shall be suitably rewarded for your service.” (The ambiguity here foreshadows the later episode where he turns the tables on them.) Shredder continues: “But tell me…what of those who treacherously defeated me. What of the Four Dragons?”"

I can't recall discussing this idea that the Shredder turns on the Mystics, so I'll withhold judgment on that one, though at this point it seems a little odd.


4.) Re: the following:

"The Turtles at first use their weapons as they are normally used. But as they get more and more into the practice, they start to use the magical powers imbued in each of their weapons. As they do, their tattoos and amulets glow. 


Raph’s Kusari Gama shoots a controlled thunder blast at Donny, whose Naginata’s cyclone power help him to both get out of the thunder’s way, and to knock Raph off his feet."


I'm not sure why, but I'm already bored with these "powered-up" Turtles... which makes me happy that when this season ends, they'll be back to their old selves. However, this did make me think that perhaps we can foreshadow that a little by thinking of ways that having these extra powers might make them less cautious and thoughtful about fighting their enemies, and thus leave themselves vulnerable in ways that they wouldn't if they didn't have these powers.


5.) It would be cool to see a Shrednaught or two going up against the various demons and such which invade Foot headquarters in this episode.
I do wonder if TWO appearances by Chaplin are one too many. Perhaps he should only show up once, armed with his "mystic-techno"  (mystech?) weaponry.


-- Pete