Blast from the Past #449: November 23, 2004: comments on Ep. 102 ("Good Genes, Part 1"), Ep. 104 ("Ninja Tribunal") outline, and , Ep. 101 ("Adventures in Turtle Sitting") second draft

Subj: Ep. 102 ("Good Genes, Part 1")
Date: Tuesday, November 23, 2004 11:44:58 AM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my comments on EP. 102 second(?) draft. This is labeled as "second draft", but is it really the first draft?


1.) Re: the following:

"SHADOWY INFORMANT
No, but I can help you get it… for a price.  The bio-tech is encoded in a crystal… I believe you’re familiar with the organization that holds it."

I'd like it if we could find another way to refer to Karai's artifact rather than as a "crystal", just to avoid confusion with the other crystals (from the Underground) which have featured prominently in this series.


2.) Re: the following:

"LEATHERHEAD
Donatello’s condition may be worse than we thought.  The added effect of the outbreak strain is reacting violently with the Utrom mutagen in his blood."

As it seems awkward and superfluous, I would take out "added effect of the" in Leatherhead's second line.


3.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO
And if someone created it… they can un-create it."

A somewhat silly presumption from Leo. I think instead he should say:

"LEONARDO
And if someone created it… maybe they can un-create it."

4.) Re: the following:

"MICHELANGELO (CONT’D)
This is where Bishop is?!?  Area 51 is… it’s the heart of darkness!  UFO Central!  The nexus of weirdness!!
Raph appears from behind, tucking his sai into his belt, getting ready.
RAPHAEL
Then you’ll fit right in, weirdo."

I like Raph's line, but I think ending it with "weirdo" is gilding the lily.


5.) Re: the following:

"BISHOP
Not exactly, Michelangelo.  We detected the helicopter as it approached, yes – because it’s MY helicopter.  Dr. Stockman took it to New York on his ill fated trip.  
WIDER on BISHOP, as STOCKMAN enters the light from behind Bishop.
ON THE TURTLES, surprised.
RAPHAEL
You have got to be kidding!"

When I first read this, I thought Raph's "You have got to be kidding!" line was referring to Bishop's saying that the helicopter was Stockman's... which didn't make much sense. I realize now that he is in fact reacting to seeing Stockman, but I wonder if we could make that clearer by changing Raph's line as follows:


"RAPHAEL
Stockman -- ?! You have got to be kidding!"


6.) Re: the following:

"STOCKMAN
Better you had left in the river than this."

This line seems to be missing a word or two.


7.) Re: the following:

"BISHOP (CONT’D)  
But not for free.  I would require… a favor."

"Favor" doesn't seem to be the right word here.


8.) Re: the following:

"RAPHAEL
There’s gotta be another way.  What happened to the ‘beat it out of him’ plan?
MICHELANGELO
We can’t make a deal with Bishop… Don’s in trouble because of him!  AND he tried to dissect us!
CLOSER on LEO, staring at Bishop.
CLOSE ON BISHOP, returning the gaze.  Unreadable.
BACK ON LEO, his decision made.
LEONARDO
It may be a deal with the devil, but what choice do we have?"

Raph's got a good point. What DID happen to the original "beat it out of him" plan? What exactly has happened to change that plan? Why is Leo saying that they have no other choice?


-- Pete

--------------------------


Subj: Ep. 104 ("Ninja Tribunal") outline
Date: Tuesday, November 23, 2004 11:46:17 AM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my comments on the Ep. 104 outline.


1.) Re: the following:

"(NOTE: these four are four other prospects for the Tribunal.  I thought it might be fun to have them from different disciplines:"

"Prospects for the Tribunal"? What does this mean, exactly? I suppose I should read on... maybe it will become clear.


2.) Re: the following:

"TANG SOO BULLY - The big bully white guy could be a Tang Soo Do “master” and be all worried about being a triple belted black belt.  He’s that typical, pain in the ass American who knows nothing of true martial arts and only understands the American bastardized version."

Isn't that a lovely little bit of bigotry? And if this guy is such an obvious asshole, why the hell did the Tribunal choose him? Are they really such poor judges of character?


3.) Re: the following:

"The Ancient One hems and haws a little:  “I … uh … it seems … well the Tribunal … it was just a little grandfatherly bragging about the turtles and that interested the Tribunal.  I tried to plead with the Tribunal … but they …”"

Okay, I'm totally confused now.


-- Pete

-----------------------------


Subj: Ep. 101 ("Adventures in Turtle Sitting") second draft
Date: Tuesday, November 23, 2004 11:47:11 AM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my comments on the Ep. 101 second draft.


1.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO
Well, no.  This outbreak is way more than four turtles can handle -  
INCLUDE MIKEY – lifting his three fingers, his eyes widen.
MICHELANGELO
(interrupting Leo)
THREE Turtles…and countin… "

Mike's line seems totally superfluous and unfunny to me (and why do "his eyes widen"?). I'd lose it, and change Leo's line to "Well, no.  This outbreak is way more than we can handle."


2.) Re: the following:

"WIDER - the BIGGER, BADDER LOBSTER <LEAPS> at LEO like a tarantula, knocking the katana out of his hand and knocking Leo onto his shell, landing on Leo’s plastron.  
BIT CLOSER - Leo blocks the lobster with his shooter.  There’s a <RING>.  With his free hand, Leo grabs his SHELL CELL.
LEONARDO
<FIGHT WALLA> Hello.  <FIGHT WALLA> "

Leo answering the phone in the middle of a fight is just painfully dopey.


3.) Re: the following:

"BISHOP
I had your brain recovered from the bottom of New York’s East River.  It was lying there…lifeless, after your misguided sabbatical. "

"Lifeless"? So now Bishop can bring people back from the dead?


4.) Re: the following:

"UP ANGLE ON THE STAIRWELL LEADING TO KIRBY’S ROOM - April and Casey race down it - AT AND PAST CAMERA.  Monster Don <HOWLS>, its tongue dangles crazily out of its mouth as it runs after them AT AND PAST CAMERA. "

"Its tongue dangles crazily out of its mouth"...? Seems very silly.


5.) Re: the following:

"MONSTER DON’S POV – Casey and April, terrified, clutch themselves as the footsteps of Don continue toward them.  They back up more and more, past the door to Kirby’s room.  Don moves directly in front of the door.
CASEY
April!  I think this is really “it”!
APRIL
I can’t believe it’s going to end like this!!!"

Hmm... April and Casey "clutch themselves"? Does the writer actually intend that they should clutch EACH OTHER? This is a dopey bit -- it seems really silly that Casey and April would give up like this. At the very least Casey should prepare to make a heroic gesture such as attacking Monster Don to distract him long enough for April to escape.


6.) Re: the following:

"APRIL drives wearing a HEADSET.  Beside her CASEY holds a TRACKER.  It’s <BLIPPING>.  Through the window we see STREET SCENERY.  An <INAUDIBLE VOICE> is heard through April’s headset.
APRIL (CONT’D)
We’re getting a Don reading - he’s headed towards Central Park.  Still underground, but it looks like he’s making his way to your new home."

How, exactly, is April able to track Monster Don?


7.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO
We’re coming on the lair, and Don IS CLOSE, REAL CLOSE, about 50 feet ahead!  Someone will need to lure him to us while we set up the containment unit."

First, there's an "on" missing in the first part of the first line -- it should read "We're coming up on the lair..." Second, let's not insult the intelligence of our viewers -- I think people will realize that fifty feet is close without having Leo go "CLOSE, REAL CLOSE".


8.) Re: the following:

"ON THE CONTAINMENT UNIT – the front doors swing open releasing a strong gust of SUCTION WIND accompanied by <ACTIVATION SOUNDS>. 
WIDE ON TUNNEL – Monster Don staggers in the direction of the open doors.  The suction from the trap pulls a resistant Monster Don towards it and sucks Monster Don into the trap. "

"Suction wind"? Oh my God. Let's just have Leatherhead force/throw Don into the trap.


-- Pete

Blast from the Past #448: November 17, 2004: comments on Ep. 100 ("Tale of Master Yoshi") second draft

Subj: comments on Ep. 100 ("Tale of Master Yoshi") second draft
Date: Wednesday, November 17, 2004 7:06:50 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my comments on the Ep. 100 second draft.


Much improved!

1.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
Yeah, Leo, let’s hear about the Ancient One...!"

Don says "Yes", not "Yeah". But "Yes" would sound a little odd here, so why don't we keep this line as is and combine it with Raph's next line ("I want to learn about all the new ways you learned to kick butt") and make it all Raph dialogue.


2.) It's cute how Yoshi and Mash meet the Ancient One, but a little sketchy in the way the Ancient One decides to invite them to become his students of ninjitsu just because Yoshi returned a five yen note to the Ancient One. I wonder if it might be fun to stretch this scene out just a bit to include some display of physical prowess (flexibility, speed, agility, whatever) in addition to honesty on the part of Yoshi.
I think we also miss an opportunity here to foreshadow Mash's second string status. After all, it's Yoshi who returns the money. Mash is just there. Perhaps we could do something like this: The Ancient One looks at the slightly ragged Yoshi and says something to the effect that it looks like Yoshi could use a job/money. He tells Yoshi to follow him. Yoshi starts to, remembers Mash, asks the Ancient One if his friend can have a job too. The Ancient One pauses, looks at Mash, shrugs in agreement.


3.) Re: the following:

"CUT forward in time to show the two boys, now about age 16, hunkered up close to a black and white tv with the Ancient One, watching the first astronaut step out on the moon (1969).  The boys are quite excited, the Ancient One not so impressed.
YUKIO MASIMI
Wow, Yoshi, a man walking on the moon!  
HAMATO YOSHI
Outer space... it is so fascinating.
THE ANCIENT ONE
Feh. "

It occurred to me that it might be fun to have the Ancient One say something to indicate that he thinks the moon landing isn't real (whether he REALLY thinks this, or is just saying it to hold up his "old curmudgeon" image for the boys, is not clear). It could be as simple as changing the last line as follows:


"THE ANCIENT ONE
Feh. Special effects."

4.) Re: the following:

"THE ANCIENT ONE
Good, you talk too much as it is.  Lunar eclipse much better enjoyed in silence. "

There's nothing wrong with this line. However, it occurred to me that it might be cooler if, instead of "lunar eclipse", the Ancient One uses some kind of more poetic/traditional description of the phenomena -- something like "dragon swallowing moon". I have no idea if there is such a term in Japanese mythology/astronomy, but if so, it could be fun.


5.) Re: the following:

"Mortu has an arm cut off by the (last) katana-wielding Foot Ninja.


MORTU
My arm!"

I don't think Mortu needs to say anything here.


6.) Re: the following:

"WIDER to show Mash and Yoshi standing and facing the Mortu, unconscious Foot Soldiers strewn here and there.  Mortu stoops and picks up his severed arm and begins reattaching it (it is now more obviously not flesh and blood but robotic).


MORTU
Nothing that can’t be fixed."

Because Mortu's arm has been SLICED off by a katana, it is unlikely that he could simply reattach it (as if some screws had come loose and it had fallen off). Yes, it can be fixed, as he says, but it will require significantly more effort that simply screwing or snapping it back together. I would prefer that when he says this line, instead of trying to reattach it, he simply examines the cut end of it, then tucks the severed arm under his other arm.


7.) Re: the following:

"YOSHI
By the stars above...!
TIGHT on Mortu.
MORTU
Indeed... perhaps it is by the stars above.  Yes, it must be... it must be destiny that you two have saved my life tonight... destiny that has brought us together...
WIDER to show Mortu putting one hand on each of (one of their) shoulders.
MORTU
And destiny that you join... the Guardians.  "

What is it that Mortu is smoking? He's babbling. That's a lot to be read into a chance encounter. I would like to suggest an alternative close to this scene: Yoshi and Mash react in astonishment to Mortu's robot-like anatomy. Just then, four (maybe fewer?) Guardians arrive, prepared to attack Yoshi and Mash. Mortu stops them, telling the Guardians that these boys saved him from the Foot attack.. The Guardians apologize to Mortu for being late to the battle (they were assigned to protect him, but were delayed for some reason which we probably don't need to get into here). One of the Guardians realizes -- and points out -- that Yoshi and Mash have seen part of his true nature. What to do? Mortu says something to the effect that they can leave, and the two boys will be left with a small mystery and their normal lives... OR... the boys can enter the world of the Guardians and the service of the Utroms, and learn the whole story. It's their choice.


8.) Re: the following:

"Walking barefoot across a bed of red-hot coals but not feeling any pain."

I'd prefer to take this one out. It's been pretty well conclusively proven that the classic "firewalking" stunt, which is supposed to show evidence of some incredible psychic power/mind over matter ability, is actually feasible because of the insulating/heat conducting qualities of ash (or something like that -- I've read about it in a number of places). So to avoid any kind of cheesy phony mind power stuff, let's replace this with something else or just take it out.


9.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO (V.O. NARRATION)
As a result Yoshi was promoted time and time again, right up to the top rank of Guardian Commander... while Mashimi was passed over... time and time again."

Can we think up a different term than "Guardian Commander"? Nothing wrong with it per se, just thought something cooler and less military might be better. Maybe "Guardian Prime" or something like that.


10.) Re: the following:

"MASHIMI
You dare ask why, Yoshi?  Isn’t it obvious?  You have taken everything from me... beaten me at everything!  But with this betrayal..."

Because the best bad guys never really think of themselves as "bad", I question Mash describing his own actions as a "betrayal". I think he would use some other more neutral or even positive word.


11.) Re: the following:

"TIGHT on Yoshi, holding up and looking at Tang Shen’s purple chopsticks, a silent tear running down a cheek while his face is filled with silent fury."

I think it might be a good idea here to do a quick dissolve to an image of Tang Shen showing her wearing the purple chopsticks... just to reinforce the connection for the viewer. It would only take a second or two.


12.) I still think we need more foreshadowing of Mash's drift to the side of evil, i.e. the Foot and the Shredder. Perhaps a quick, wordless scene during or near the end of the "Yoshi rising in the Guardian ranks/Mash getting jealous" sequence that would go something like this: A bitter-looking Mash ducks down some dark alley in a seedy part of time. He leaps over a wall and drops into a leaf-strewn and weed-choked courtyard. Cut to him standing in front of a door... he knocks on it in a specific sequence of knocks... the door opens onto darkness, and Mash -- with a quick glance backward (symbolizing his last moment "in the light", as it were) -- slips inside. The door shuts, and we see that there is a weathered (but still legible) Foot symbol on it. (We couldn't see it a moment ago when Mash was standing in front of the door.)
The reason I suggest this is that in the script as is, the entry of the Shredder and the Foot into the story (via the Mash connection) still seems too abrupt to me.


13.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO (V.O. NARRATION)
Mashimi’s words struck Yoshi with the blistering force of an atomic bomb.  Everything he cherished had been suddenly stripped away... leaving him blank... senseless... like he was filled with nothing at all.  Empty."

The atomic bomb reference is a bit over the top. Actually, this whole paragraph is over the top. I get that Tang Shen has been taken from him, and he's bereft about that, and also about Mash's betrayal... but EVERYTHING? I think this needs to be toned down a little.


14.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO (V.O. NARRATION)
Yoshi gave no quarter, took no prisoners... he was a machine intent on only one thing: victory.
LEONARDO (V.O. NARRATION)
Within minutes the tide had turned, as Yoshi single-handedly drove the Foot before him..."

I question the use of the word "machine" to describe Yoshi at this moment, because it seems to be the exact OPPOSITE of what he is here, which is a man driven by PASSION. Also,  I have to say that I'm not crazy about this "super Yoshi" who is single-handedly driving the Foot horde before him. I think it would work better if his inspired combat actions inspire the other Guardians and Utroms, and they rally around him.


15.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO (V.O. NARRATION)
Yoshi went after the Shredder with ferocity and precision...
Yoshi hacks off one of the Shredder’s arms and sends his helmet flying off, revealing a surprised and pissed Oroku Saki face.
LEONARDO (V.O. NARRATION)
Cutting off an arm, knocking off his helmet..."

Because we've already done an arm-severing in this episode, maybe instead Yoshi cuts off one of the Shredder's hands -- perhaps the one with the bladed gauntlet.


16.) Re: the following:

"YOSHI
I don’t blame you, sensei.  I blame Mashimi.  I will set this to rights or I will perish trying.
THE ANCIENT ONE
Perhaps more blood is not the answer.  More blood will not bring Tang Shen back.  More blood will only stain your hands forever."

I don't know if this will work, but I'll mention it anyway. What if the Ancient One uses a metaphor here to try to illustrate to Yoshi his point about vengeance? The metaphor is about a splinter... vengeance is like a splinter... it gets under your skin... irritating, torturing, getting infected and poisoning your life... unless you pluck it out (i.e. reject the way of vengeance). Yoshi goes ahead with his plans for revenge anyway, and kills Mashimi... but afterward realizes the truth of the Ancient One's words. And to forever remind himself of that sad lesson, he re-names his new pet, the rat which had belonged to Tang Shen... he calls it "Splinter".


17.) Re: the following:

"CUT back to the Shredder, quite pissed that things have once again gone awry.  (Without Krang around to blame) Shredder (instead) moves into position to stand above Mashimi (much like Yoshi had stood a few minutes earlier).
TIGHT on Shredder delivering a powerful downward death-blow at us (at camera).
TIGHT as one of Mashimi’s hands goes limp."

I wonder if it might make the Shredder seem more like a badass if he doesn't deign to execute Mashimi, but instead makes a small gesture to his Foot Elite... who close in on Mashimi... one of them raises a weapon... and brings it down.


-- Pete

Blast from the Past #447: November 12, 2004: comment on Ep. 102 ("Good Genes" Part 1) outline and comments on Ep. 104 ("Ninja Tribunal") premise, November 13, 2004: comments on Ep. 103 ("Good Genes" Part 2) outline

Subj: comment on Ep. 102 ("Good Genes" Part 1) outline
Date: Friday, November 12, 2004 6:11:37 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here is my one comment on the Ep. 102 outline.


1.) Re: the following:

"LEATHERHEAD’S LAIR – Raphael is asleep in a chair, leaning against the wall of Leatherhead’s lair.  As he snores, a dark figure passes by…


From the figure’s POV, we see MONSTER DONATELLO, contained and asleep in the containment device Leatherhead designed.  The figure approaches, getting closer and closer…  


…and a hand reaches out for the ‘release’ controls.  Michaelangelo’s hand.


He presses a button, and with a ‘hiss’ of air, the containment device begins to open… and we see Don-ster’s EYE open…


Don-ster’s taloned hand shoots out, and he <ROARS!> as he grabs Mikey, who was holding a bowl of cereal.  Mikey is slammed up against the opening device, being pulled in as Raph leaps to his aid, pulling him free from Don-ster’s grasp, at the same time closing the containment device.


The container is flooded with gas, once more knocking out Don…  and on the floor of the lair, Mikey and Raph sit, both covered with cereal and milk.  Mikey is overcome with emotion, his head down.  He just thought Don might be hungry. Raph, surprisingly emotional, puts a hand on Mikey’s head."

This is REALLY dopey. I know Mikey can do some silly things, but this action is just brain-dead. If some action bit is needed to establish how dangerous monster Don is, how about having Mikey opening a food slot built into the cage, and then monster Don could LUNGE at that, rocking the cage and scaring the crap out of MIkey?


-- Pete

--------------------


Subj: comments on Ep. 104 ("Ninja Tribunal") premise
Date: Friday, November 12, 2004 6:13:24 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd, 


Here are my comments on the Ep. 104 premise.


1.) Re: the following:

"Three wise men are seated at this table (the Ninja Tribunal)."

I think we discussed the idea that the Tribunal would consist of four members (originally five until the original Shredder betrayed and left the group). I think we should avoid three given that the Utrom council was also a three-member group.


2.) Re: the following:

"Pulling a fast one, Leo makes as if he is resigned and is going to take his assigned seat, but at the last minute he spins around and flips one of the big Ninjas through the air.


This has a domino effect, with all five Ninjas falling upon one another.  In the narrow space of the corridor they cannot easily recover."

And then the mysterious ninjas reveal themselves to be the Three (Five?) Stooges! This has to be one of the most ridiculous bits of action I've ever read. I mean, these are the guys who almost casually defeated the Turtles on the rooftop in the previous scene... and now they're falling over like dominos?


3.) Re: the following:

"A familiar voice calls out to them to stand down.  It is the Ancient One.  He is with Master Splinter!  


“Master Splinter, what is going on here?”  


Splinter: “Perhaps I should let my master explain.”"

SInce when is the Ancient One Splinter's "master"?


4.) Pretty much all of the back story of the Tribunal as laid out here contradicts what you and I talked about this week, Lloyd, so I won't go into it, and I'll assume that most if not all of this stuff is going to be changed.


-- Pete

----------------------


Subj: comments on Ep. 103 ("Good Genes" Part 2) outline
Date: Saturday, November 13, 2004 12:47:56 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my comments on the Ep. 103 outline.


1.) Re: the following:

"LOGLINE: The turtles have made a deal with the devil … a.k.a. Agent Bishop.  In return for curing Donatello, his three brothers have agreed to retrieve a pendant that is supposed to aid Bishop in his genetics work.  The only problem, they have to steal it from Karai.  And, she won’t be giving it up with a fight."

Minor point, most likely a typo, but I think that "with" in the last line should be "without".


2.) Re: the following:

"RECAP:  We see Donatello, in monster form, knocked out and trapped inside Leatherhead’s containment unit.


Donatello (VO):  My name is Donatello… and I’ve seen better days."

I question the wisdom of giving Don the voiceover here, as it kind of muddies the waters. The implication of it is that while Don LOOKS monstrous, and ACTS monstrous, his mind is actually totally clear and trapped inside his mutated body. Which it isn't. I think it's confusing, and we should have someone else do the voiceover.


3.) Re: the following:

"Bishop:  ‘Then do it!  Destroy Stockman… destroy me!  But what becomes of Donatello?  What becomes of the mutants in New York?  Are you a monster?  Or a man?  Prove this intellect you claim to possess… help us finish the cure!’"

Leatherhead is not now nor ever has been a MAN. I think different wording is in order here.


4.) Re: the following:

"Leo breaks the chain around the crystal, grabbing the crystal itself.  He then KICKS Karai, hard enough to send her THROUGH the wall.  She smashes into the hidden ‘lab’ behind the wall (as seen in ‘City at War’ and shatters the tube that Oroku Saki healed in."

Is this a "real" wall or a paper wall? I don't think Leo should be able to kick Karai through a real wall, nor should Karai be able to bounce back up from such an impact -- doesn't make much sense. In any event, I don't even see the point of having Karai go through the wall and break the tube -- why bother? Does it add anything to the story?


5.) Re: the following:

"RESUME on the Turtles freefalling, having just leapt off the top of the Foot Skyscraper.  Karai runs to the edge to see the Turtles’ seemingly suicidal escape…


…only to have the Turtle Copter DE-CLOAK in the sky before her."

"DE-CLOAK"???!!! Since when can this copter CLOAK? Also, even if we accept this preposterous notion, it's even MORE preposterous that the copter would be waiting to catch them RIGHT THERE AT THAT VERY MOMENT.



-- Pete

Blast from the Past #446: November 10, 2004: comments on Ep. 99 ("Return of Savanti" Part 2) second draft and some notes on season 5

Subj: comments on Ep. 99 ("Return of Savanti" Part 2) second draft
Date: Wednesday, November 10, 2004 11:35:47 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my comments on the Ep. 99 second draft.


1.) Re: the following:

"*SAVANTI ROMERO (VO, CONT’D)
But then four turtle creatures and that ditzy Timestress pulled victory from my grasp, allowing Simultaneous to exile me once more!"

I think "ditzy" is a little too modern slangish for Savanti. Maybe "foolish" or "idiotic" would be more appropriate.


2.) Re: the following:

"SAVANTI ROMERO
(laughing)
Welcome, turtles!  I’ve been expecting you!
ON THE TURTLES/RENET – their weapons out, looking up at Savanti atop the T-Rex.  Renet’s mouth is comically hanging open, and she’s wide eyed as she stares up at the dinosaur.
MICHELANGELO
I called it!  It was a trap!  Pay up!
*RAPHAEL
You got any of those potato chips left, Mikey?  It seemed to make your pet triceratops over there friendly enough…"

Raph's lines here, and the timing of them, seem really weirdly irrelevant to the action at hand. I'd take them out entirely.


-- Pete

---------------


Subj: some notes on season 5
Date: Wednesday, November 10, 2004 11:39:37 PM

From:  Peter Laird

To:    Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Before I forget, here are the few notes I was typing when we met on Tuesday. Hope they're useful!


-- Pete


---------------------------------


notes on fifth season 11/09/04


The Tribunal originally had five members. They fought a great evil together, but one of them was seduced by the power of that evil and betrayed the others... and he became the Shredder. (Note: the Shredder armor -- or variants of it -- were originally worn by the members of the Tribunal when they went into battle against evil.)


Over the centuries, the Tribunal contested with this Shredder and his descendants. Part of the price of the power that the evil one took on is giving up immortality (which the Tribunal members possess), so the Shredder must pass on his power and evil mind to a new candidate (carefully chosen) every hundred years or so.


The Tribunal fought with the evil one and his minions down through the  centuries, finally defeating him for good in early feudal Japan. The evil one was imprisoned in some fashion to be determined, and the Tribunal turned their attention to other matters.


Splinter is suspicious and mistrustful of the Tribunal, as their inattention to the evil of the Utrom Shredder led directly to the death of his beloved master Yoshi. And he is reluctant to let his sons go into deadly conflict just because the Tribunal says so.


What happens with the Ancient One? Perhaps he sacrifices himself at some key moment, perhaps substituting himself for Splinter (who had also decided to sacrifice himself, a big deal given that he has no great fondness for the Tribunal).


What of Karai? What of the resurrected "original" Shredder? What of the Foot?


Perhaps the Turtles should not be the ONLY candidates that the Tribunal are testing -- but after a devastating preemptive attack by the evil one, they are the only VIABLE candidates remaining.

Blast from the Past #445: November 2, 2004: notes on Ep. 98 ("Return of Savanti", Part 1) second draft, notes on Ep. 100 ("Tale of Master Yoshi") first draft, and comments on premises for Eps. 102 ("Good Genes", Part 1) and 103 ("Good Genes", Part 2)

Subj: notes on Ep. 98 ("Return of Savanti", Part 1) second draft
Date: Tuesday, November 2, 2004 4:47:10 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my notes on the Ep. 98 second draft.


1.) Re: the following:

"ON THE TURTLES, looking up at the display.  There’s another display behind them, mostly vegetation and prehistoric bushes.
LEONARDO
Eeesh.  And I thought Raph was the ugliest relative we had.
RAPHAEL
Har-dee-har, Leo."

Leo's line here seems so not-Leo-like. Is he trying to be Mikey?


2.) Re: the following:

"*DONATELLO (CONT’D)
Anything we do could alter the future… we could unintentionally change our entire timeline!  We can’t leave anything behind, and we have to… ah… ah… AH-CHOOOO!
Don lets loose with another explosive <SNEEZE>."

I don't know if anyone else has already thought of this, but as I was reading this I thought it might be a cool nugget of an idea if the microorganisms in Don's sneeze (a byproduct of his "alien" ooze infection) have some repercussions, i.e. starting some kind of chain of events which lead to mutations of some sort -- maybe a hidden species of weird Cthulian-type creatures, or maybe mutated dinosaurs or something. Might be worth talking about.


3.) Re: the following:

"OTS TURTLES – as they watch the stampede fade away in the distance.  Leo turns to Don.
*LEONARDO
Stuffy nose, huh?"

Leo's line here had me scratching my head, trying to figure out what he was referring to. Then I looked back about FIVE PAGES to see that he was referring to Don's sneeze in the previous act. It's not a big deal, but it does seem kind of disconnected. As it is not a line which is necessary, maybe we should lose it.


4.) At least now I get how Mike has potato chips in the next espisode -- the Turtles are apparently still wearing their "human" disguises from their museum visit. I wonder how this is going to work, visually -- will they look dopey fighting dinos in these "street clothes"? And when are they going to get rid of the clothes?


-- Pete

-----------------


Subj: notes on Ep. 100 ("Tale of Master Yoshi") first draft
Date: Tuesday, November 2, 2004 4:48:21 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my notes on the Ep. 100 first draft.


1.) Re: the following:

"SPLINTER (V.O. NARRATION)
That night was the first time I saw Utroms... and the first time I became aware of the Foot..."

I wonder if we are opening up a can of worms by having Splinter being aware of Utroms BEFORE the events of the first and second seasons. For some reason, this seems wrong to me -- it feels like it contradicts the continuity we've established. Maybe I'm wrong. In any event, perhaps we should do something to indicate that while Splinter DID see the Utroms back then, what he saw didn't mean anything to him (he was just a rat, after all) and he either forgot it or it never stayed long in his little rat brain.


2.) Re: the following:

"SPLINTER
Sashimi and sushi.  Fresh from the se-, er, sea."

The "fresh from the sewer" gag doesn't really work for Splinter. Actually, it's kind of weird -- is he actually suggesting that he caught this fish in the SEWERS? I think the lines are superfluous and we can avoid this problem by just taking them out.


3.) Re: the following:

"MICHELANGELO
I do!  I have a great story!  Did I ever tell you guys about the time I became the BattleNexus™ champion?! 
WIDER to show Raphael bopping Michelangelo over the head with a chopstick.  
MICHELANGELO
<BAP!>  Ow!
RAPHAEL
You maroon – we were there, of course we know the story!"

I think Raph's line could be more effective/funnier if it reflected the real reason why he's irritated that Mikey wants to tell that story -- not that he and the other Turtles were "there", but that Mikey has told that story SOOOO many times!


4.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO
Well... I’d rather not.  It’s kind of personal.  (Beat.)  But... but the Ancient One did tell me an intense story about Master Splinter’s master, Hamato Yoshi."

I question the appropriateness of the word "intense" here -- it feels like it's telegraphing too much. Maybe "great" or "wonderful" would be better. Or maybe no modifier word is necessary -- after all, ANY story about Hamato Yoshi would be interesting to the other Turtles.


5.) Re: the following:

"The camera PANS swiftly away from the legs/feet and down the alley that the feet were just walking past and zooms in towards a kung-fu battle in progress: a NINJA GUARDIAN (MORTU) solo against six FOOT NINJA. The Guardian is getting his ass kicked."

I think I raised this question at the outline stage -- my understanding is that the Guardians were always all HUMANS, and while the Utrom Mr. Mortu has a human disguise, he is NOT a Guardian. In any event, it seems that for this scene it isn't necessary at all that the person Yoshi and Mash see being assaulted be a Guardian.


6.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO (V.O. NARRATION)
At long last came graduation day.  Sort of.  For when it comes to joining the ranks of the Guardians one either passes... or fails.  You either make it or you don’t.
CUT to Mortu (now we can hear him clearly) and ZOOM in on him as he makes his announcement.
MORTU
...a group of most distinguished skill.  Amongst this class, though, only one of you has shown the skills and abilities, the honor and altruism, worthy of joining the Guardians.  Only one of you...
CUT to the trainees.  Yoshi is surprised but pleased, the other trainees congratulatory, smiling, slapping his back, but not Mash... Mash just glowers at the news.
MORTU (O.C.)
...Hamato Yoshi!"

This raises an interesting question. How do the Utroms deal with any disgruntled failures among these would-be Guardians? After all, they have revealed their alien nature to all of these Guardian candidates, which would seem to leave them very vulnerable to exposure.


7.) Re: the following:

"THE ANCIENT ONE
Feh!  Nothing good ever comes from love."


What a truly bizarre and unpleasant sentiment coming from the Ancient One! I thought he was wise.


8.) I'm pretty disappointed in the last half of this script, nearly everything from Shen's death on. Is it really necessary to have her dead body being carried around for a bunch of pages? And the connection between the Shredder and Mash seems very rushed, without any real setup. I also find it difficult to believe that Yoshi, for all his skill, can go up against the Shredder and kick his ass in the way he does here. And that fight with the Shredder seems kind of pointless, as the REAL deal here is Yoshi settling accounts with his ex-pal Mash. The way the Shredder is treated here makes him seem just like some other cannon-fodder villain.
I think this last half needs to be radically re-thought and restructured to make it more emotional and flow more logically. One thing I think would be a good idea would be to have Yoshi actually SEE what happens to Shen, instead of having it happen somewhere off screen, out of his sight. The way it is now just seems so unsatisfying and unconnected. And more -- a lot more, in my opinion -- needs to be done to show how Mash is connected to the Shredder, to show his gradual drifting away from the Guardians and Yoshi and toward the dark side.
There's also a problem with so clearly showing that Mash is not Yoshi's equal in the martial arts -- it sets up any battle between them being pretty one-sided (Yoshi will obviously kick Mash's ass). I think that Mash's failure to become a Guardian should not be the result of him being a lesser fighter per se, but more because of a failure of spirit... the same failure of spirit which allows him to be drawn to the "dark side".


-- Pete

-------------------


Subj: comments on premises for Eps. 102 ("Good Genes", Part 1) and 103 ("Good Genes", Part 2)
Date: Tuesday, November 2, 2004 9:19:03 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my minor comments on the Ep. 102 and 103 premises.


1.) Re: the following:

"Meanwhile, Bishop learns through a disguised informant in the Foot organization that the Foot has in their possession an artifact that could hold the key to finally stabilizing his genetic experiments. His informant gives him all the information he could need: how to get it, how to use it once he’s got it, etc."

I'd like to know more about this artifact and how anyone could know that it might have the effect described. Sounds a bit iffy.
Even though the artifact turns out to be a dud/fake in Ep. 103, there should be SOMETHING which convinces Bishop that this artifact is the real deal... and part of that is establishing that the mysterious informant who is in contact with Bishop would be someone who would likely know this information (someone in the Foot Science division, perhaps?).


2.) Re: the following:

"But, he must have that artifact.  The Foot informant tells Bishop that necessity makes strange bedfellows and that the answer to his quandary will be presenting itself shortly…"

I assume this mysterious informant is talking about the Turtles. If so, how can he/she/it POSSIBLY know that the Turtles will become involved? (Having now read the premise for Ep. 103, I now know that the informant is one of the Foot Mystics. But the question still applies. Are we saying that the Foot Mystics can see into the future? That would seem to open up a big can of worms.)


3.) Re: the following:

"Then, Bishop examines the artifact the Turtles have procured for him.  He follows the instructions given to him by his mysterious Foot informant, only to have the artifact crumble to dust before his eyes!  He has been duped.  And, he is not happy about it."

I would think that part of the "instructions" would be something that requires that the artifact be destroyed/crushed/broken/burned/whatever, so that it is apparent that whatever power it once held to keep the Foot Mystics under control is now gone, due to whatever Bishop has done to it. And it should also be made clear that while what Bishop does to the artifact is no big deal, it was magically IMPOSSIBLE for the Mystics to do it -- which is why they had to manipulate the Turtles and Bishop into doing it for them.


-- Pete

Blast from the Past #444: October 27, 2004: comments on Ep. 97 ("Insane in the Membrane") second draft

Subj: comments on Ep. 97 ("Insane in the Membrane") second draft
Date: Wednesday, October 27, 2004 8:53:18 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine


Lloyd,


Here are my comments on Ep. 97 second draft.


1.) Re: the following:

"ON BATTLE SHELL – out of the side, a row of GUN TURRETS pop out.
DONATELLO (OC)
Armor piercing side turrets!"

I think it would be better to say something like "Multi-function side cannons!", as "gun turrets" are just the holders for the guns, and not the guns themselves, and thus can't be considered "armor piercing. Also, "armor piercing" typically refers to the type of ammunition used in the gun, not the gun itself. Using the phrase "Multi-function side cannons" allows us  bit more flexibility in the future if we want to give those weapons different functions (i.e. fire a tangle net, or smoke screen shells, etc.).


2.) Re: the following:

"ON DON – pressing another button.
ON BATTLE SHELL – lifting off the ground five feet.
DONATELLO (OC)
Turbo hydraulic elevated suspension."

This seems really silly to me.


3.) Re: the following:

"*STOCKMAN
When I first met you, I thought that we had something, Ms. O’Neil!  A connection!  But instead, you tore my life apart!  Well, now it’s your turn to go to pieces! "

I really don't like this new "connection" business. The implication is that Stockman had some kind of "special feelings" for April, which has never been part of this story. I suggest going back to my original suggestion for this bit, as follows:


"STOCKMAN 
Ever since I met you everything’s gone wrong!  You ruined my work for the Shredder!  You brought those Turtles into my life!  Because of you my life has been torn apart!  Well, Ms. O’Neil, now it’s your turn to go to pieces! "


4.) Re: the following:

"*EXT. STOCKTRONICS LAB – NYC - CONTINUOUS
The Battle Shell is parked out in front of the lab as the Don, Leo, Mikey, and Casey snoop around the entrance door.
DONATELLO
That’s strange, the door’s open, the lights are on, but they’re nowhere to be found.
RAPHAEL (OC)
Maybe not, but I found somethin’ else!
ON RAPH – looking at something in a dark alley way by the lab.  Leo, Don, Mikey, and Casey ENTER PICTURE from behind.
CLOSE ON LEO hatching a plan.
LEONARDO
Hm.  And I have a feeling this is gonna help us find them.  Donny?  How about a lift?
REVERSE – the BLACK-OP CHOPPPER is parked in a wide alley way."

I don't object to the inclusion of this new "visit to the old Stocktronics Lab building" bit, but something is needed here to indicate WHY Leo makes this leap to thinking that taking a ride in the helicopter is going to help them find April and Stockman. What leads him to this conclusion? (Especially if all the Turtles do here is "snoop around the entrance door" -- do they go INSIDE at all to look around???) For all they (and we) know, Stockman could have gone into another building, or be underground, or be in another vehicle.
Maybe Don could reason-- perhaps based on a quick look inside the cockpit -- that the chopper could have some tracking gizmos that might help them locate Stockman. This would help to explain why and how they are able to quickly find Stockman -- I mean, what other reason would they have to look in the direction of the Roosevelt Island Gondola Station? 


5.) Re: the following:

"*But suddenly, the gondola begins to shake.  Panicked, April takes a peak out the back window."

I think she actually takes a "peek", not a "peak".


6.) Re: the following:

"STOCKMAN’S POV - we see a chopper hovering overhead.  Then, Mikey, Leo, and Raph repel down into the hole and in front of April."

I think they "rappel", not "repel".


7.) Re: the following:

"*DONATELLO
Right!  Grab the drop-off ladder and I’ll try and get this bird low enough so you can lift her out!  "

Don would not say "try and" -- he would use the grammatically correct "try to".


8.) Re: the following:

"*STOCKMAN
Hey!  That’s my chopper!  "

This line seems totally un-Stockmanlike, kind of thuggy. It also seems to be totally unnecessary.


9.) Re: the following:

"Stockman grabs the bottom of the ladder and using his super strength, jerks it down, forcing the chopper to lower.  It’s whirling blades suddenly <CLASH> with the gondola cables.   
*CLOSE ON THE CABLES as one of the three <SNAPS>.
*WIDE - the black op chopper veers out of control.  Then the gondola jerks and falls aslant—all of it’s weight now resting on the two remaining cables."

There is just so much wrong about this bit. Unless Stockman is heavier than the chopper, and heavy enough to counteract its upward force, he wouldn't be able to grab the ladder and pull the chopper down. (He MIGHT be able to brace himself against a part of the gondola and do this.) And that must be one HELL of a strong ladder -- essentially bearing the weight of the whole helicopter without snapping! And why the heck is Stockman pulling it down on top of him -- that seems like a suicidal move. Not only that, but I don't think any helicopter rotor blades could withstand that kind of impact and still be operable.
This whole bit strikes me as kind of silly, and I would lose it. The whole point here is NOT that Stockman wants to get to the helicopter, but that he does something to damage it -- maybe he rips a piece of the gondola loose and throws it at the copter. In fact, his tearing off a piece of the gondola could be what makes it dangle more precariously.


10.) Re: the following:

"*DONATELLO
That cable hit the stabilizer bar! I’m gonna have to recalibrate the instruments to get her steady again!"

Re: comment 9, I'd lose the "That cable hit the stabilizer bar!" line. And Don would not say "gonna" -- he'd say "going to".


11.) Re: the following:

"STOCKMAN
Don’t think you’ll get away that easy, Ms. O’Neil!
*WIDE – Stockman pulls April up onto the top of the gondola with him. 
CLOSE ON STOCKMAN.
*STOCKMAN
You have a date with a dissection table!  But if you’re going to be so difficult, perhaps we’ll just to tear you apart the old fashioned way!"

I would drop the line after "You have a date with a dissection table!" -- it's extraneous and doesn't make much sense. It might also be a good idea to think about WHY, other than pure sadism, Stockman would want to cut April to pieces -- maybe in his twisted mind, he thinks he can use parts of her to repair himself, a kind of "poetic justice" in his estimation.


12.) Re: the following:

"LOW ANGLE UP FROM INSIDE THE GONDOLA – Leo, Raph, and Mikey poke their heads over the hole to see him.
*MICHAELANGELO
Is he…dea--?!
*Suddenly Stockman flips up and leaps out of the hole on top the gondola roof.
*STOCKMAN
No, I’m not!  But soon, you all will be!
*WIDE - Stockman grabs one of the two remaining cables, and uses his brute strength to <SNAP> it. The gondola <KREEKS> and falls a bit further aslant as Stockman twirls the cable over his head like a lasso.
*STOCKMAN (CONT’D)
I’ll take us all out!
*WIDE ON TOP THE GONDOLA – Stockman is whipping the cable around in mid air like a lasso.  He whips the steel cable at the Turtles. "

I would take out ALL the lines of dialogue in this bit, as they are weak and extraneous -- Stockman's line "I'll take us all out" being the most ridiculous and inappropriate, seeming to come from another script and character altogether.
Also, this "cable used as lasso" bit seems more than a bit silly, UNLESS Stockman is somehow able to snap off a SECTION of cable. Think about it -- these cables are stretched fairly tight, right? So if they are SNAPPED, they would not suddenly have lots of slack in them which would allow a super villain who is located AT THE POINT WHERE THE CABLE SPLIT to pick up one end and use the cable as a lasso.
Actually, the only way I could POSSIBLY see this working is if, during the fight, the gondola is still moving, which would allow Stockman to do this stunt. But the more I think about it, the more stupid it seems, so let's drop the lasso bit.


13.) Re: the following:

"CLOSE – through a rip in Stockman’s pant leg, we see a bolt inch out of Stockman’s knee with some green ooze dripping from it."

This "bolt" business is SOOOO silly. Let's lose it and just have April's jeopardy be that her grip on Stockman's leg is slipping.


14.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO
Yeah…just when it seemed he saw the light, too.
RAPHAEL
Well, I say good riddance!  That psycho’s given us nothin’ but grief ever since we met ‘im.
ON DON – looking back from the pilot’s seat.
DONATELLO
I dunno, he did give us this chopper.
WIDE of the chopper flying away in the day breaking sky.
DONATELLO (OC)
Now if we can only find a place to park it.
APRIL (OC)
Well forget my apartment.  First Karai stops by.  Then Stockman.  Who’s next?  Hun?  The Shredder?  I’m staying with you guys, tonight!
DONATELLO
You got it, April.  Next stop, Belvedere Castle!"

Several things here. First, Leo would not say "Yeah" -- he'd say "yes". Second, Don would not say "dunno" -- he'd say "don't know". Third, Stockman did not give the Turtles his chopper. Fourth, April's lines are somewhat silly (so she's NEVER going back to her apartment?!)... I would lose them all as well as Don's last line. Here's the way I would change this ending:


""LEONARDO
Yes …just when it seemed he saw the light, too.
RAPHAEL
Well, I say good riddance!  That psycho’s given us nothin’ but grief ever since we met ‘im.
ON DON – looking back from the pilot’s seat.
DONATELLO
I don't know -- he did give us this chopper... sort of.
WIDE of the chopper flying away in the day breaking sky.
DONATELLO (OC)
Now if we can only find a place to park it!"




-- Pete

Blast from the Past #443: October 19, 2004: comments on Ep. 100 ("Tales of Master Yoshi") outline and comments on Ep. 98 ("Return of Savanti Romero Part 1") first draft

Subj: comments on Ep. 100 ("Tales of Master Yoshi") outline
Date: Tuesday, October 19, 2004 7:04:31 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my comments on the Ep. 100 outline.


1.) ReL the following:

"The camera PANS swiftly away from the legs/feet and down the alley that the feet were just walking past and zooms in towards a kung-fu battle in progress: a Ninja Guardian solo against five Foot Ninja. The Guardian is getting his ass kicked.


MICHELANGELO (V.O.): “…they came across our old friends, The Foot, doing some nasty stomping.”


SFX (assorted fighting):  “Hai!” “Oof!” etc.


TIGHT as one of the Guardian’s arms is chopped off by a Foot katana blade! (No blood, though.) And with this little victory the five Foot get emboldened and thus move in for the kill."

Just for clarity -- the Guardians were/are HUMANS, not Utroms -- so, as we know from later on in this episode that this guy who gets his arm chopped off is actually the Utrom Mr. Mortu in an exoskeleton/disguise, maybe he should not be referred to as a "Guardian" here... or even LOOK like a guardian, just to avoid confusion.


2.) Re: the following:

"The man with the sunglasses picks up his arm and plans to reattach it.  You see, this is Mr. Mortu.  He reveals himself in his exo-suit to Yoshi and Mash asking if they would consider joining as Guardians.  He has been watching their progress for some time.  This must be fate that they would save his life in this manner."

Is it perhaps a bit too much that Mortu has "been watching their progress for some time"?
Also, maybe this reveal that Mr. Mortu does should happen in another, less public location -- perhaps he could gesture for them to follow him and he leads them to a secret "safe house" where he could reveal his alien nature. This might also be an excellent place to do a subtle little thing with how Yoshi and Mash react to the reveal -- i.e. both accept it, but Mash is just a LITTLE more freaked out/repelled by the alien Utrom.


3.) Re: the following:

"Back home, the two tell the Ancient One about the Guardian’s offer but the Ancient One is dead set against it."

This raises an interesting question: What, if anything, does the Ancient One know about the Utroms, and vice versa?


4.) Re: the following:

"And so Mash and Yoshi join the Guardians.  Taken to the Tokyo headquarters of the Utroms, Yoshi quickly rises in the ranks for his strong sense of honor and great abilities.  Mash’s jealousy grows; this jealousy is much less hidden than is what in its earlier manifestations/scenes."

I think this could be a great opportunity to show some scenes of the Guardians training with the Utroms and actually handling them -- i.e., as some of the Guardians did in the end of the "Secret Origins" story last season, carrying them to safety. This could be another way to show Yoshi's superior relationship with the Utroms and contrast it to Mash's slight -- but noticeable -- squeamishness.
And if we could get in here a training scene which involves water, that would be cool -- I see the Utroms as great swimmers (almost like l'il jellyfish), as I have shown in some of the Vol. 4 TMNT comics.


5.) Re: the following:

"The Shredder is held off long enough for the Utroms and the remaining Guardians to evacuate what they need from the building.  Yoshi is the last man on the transport (helicopter … i.e. last helicopter leaving the U.S. Embassy in Saigon, 1975).


The Utroms relocate their main headquarters to their secret satellite in New York, the TCRI building.  This now becomes their main hub.  Yoshi rebuilds the Guardians (hiring/training the Guardians the turtles met in earlier episodes)."

I wonder if it might be cool if we do a kind of trick here, by having this last helicopter appear to explode and take all the surviving Utroms and Guardians with it, so that the Shredder would be less likely to want to track them down (and thus possibly discover their NYC HQ earlier than we would like). It could be something as relatively simple as having the Utroms and Guardians bail out of the helicopter as it goes behind a building (out of the Shredder's field of view).


6.) Re: the following:

"Life is beautiful.  Life is wonderful.  Yoshi loves his pet rat and his pet rat loves him (perhaps because it is no longer being treated like a little baby… as it now trains in ninjitsu with Yoshi).  Tang Shen and Yoshi are very much in love (as we see in a beautiful, wonderful, very-much-in-love montage) … and at one point being watched by an angry Mash (at the end of the montage?)!"

Are we going to say anything about WHY and HOW Mash is in NYC and looking for Yoshi? Is Mash still hooked up with the Shredder, or is this something he's doing on his own?


7.) Re: the following:

"The Ancient One is clearly unhappy … but he bows (and, yes, farts*) as we fade away …"

I think we might want to lose this particular fart.


-- Pete

-----------------------


Subj: comments on Ep. 98 ("Return of Savanti Romero Part 1") first draft
Date: Tuesday, October 19, 2004 7:35:44 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my comments on the Ep. 98 first draft script.


1.) Re: the following:

"ON MIKEY and RAPH, smiling.
MICHELANGELO
Look, there’s a nerd-o-saur!
RAPHAEL
And I see a Geek-a-saurus Rex!
WIDE – April glares at the two of them, arms crossed.
APRIL
Oh, and you two are so super cool, with your comic books and fear of bugs.
BACK ON MIKEY and RAPH, no longer smiling.
APRIL (CONT’D)
Yeah, that’s what I thought."

I would take all of April's lines here out, not least because she's implying that comic books aren't cool! WHAT???!!! In all seriousness, her lines are superfluous -- I don't think Don needs her defending him here.


2.) Re: the following:

"SAVANTI ROMERO
And I am… but my magic is still strong.  Even across the curve of time, I can find you… and send you this message of your impending, inevitable DOOM!
ANGLE ON MIKEY, who turns to Don, then back to Savanti.
MICHELANGELO
Thanks?"

Mike's line is weak, unnecessary and not terribly funny -- I'd lose it.


3.) Re: the following:

"SAVANTI ROMERO
(laughing)
Should you wish to try and stop me, I’ll be waiting in the Ring of Fire…
WIDE - Raph LEAPS, sai out.  But just as he’s about to connect with the skull, it falls apart.  Raph passes right through landing on the other side as the bones fall to the floor."

Two things: First, it should be "try TO stop me", not "try AND stop me". Second, I think it would be cool if the phrase "Ring of Fire" echoes/fades as Savanti's spell dissipates.


4.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
This is incredible!!  Look at it all… look… there’s a brontosaurus!  A real, living brontosaurus!!"

Should Don instead use what I think is the current "correct" name for this dinosaur, which I believe is "Apatosaurus"?


5.) Re: the following:

"ON LEO, looking around as well.
LEONARDO
I know it’s not the city… but it’s REALLY quiet.  Everyone on your toes."

I don't get this first line from Leo -- the two halves don't seem to connect. I think we could safely lose it or both lines.


6.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
The deinonychus is one of the smartest of the dinosaurs… they’re fast, with powerful jaws… and they have a retractable sickle claw on their feet you have to watch for."

I don't think the claw in question is actually "retractable". Maybe a better way to put this would be as follows:


"DONATELLO
The deinonychus is one of the smartest of the dinosaurs… they’re fast, with powerful jaws… and they have a razor-sharp sickle claw on each foot."

-- Pete

Blast from the Past #442: October 16, 2004: comments on EP. 97 ("Insane in the Membrane") first draft

Subj: comments on EP. 97 ("Insane in the Membrane") first draft
Date: Saturday, October 16, 2004 12:38:11 AM
From:       Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my comments on the Ep. 97 first draft.


1.) Re: the following:

"FLASH CUT TO:
ON STOCKMAN as his most recent incarnation: a brain in a floating tank with a holographic face.
 STOCKMAN (VO)
Until I was nothing."

I wonder if "nothing" is appropriate here... especially because I think Stockman would consider his brain his most important part. Here are a couple of different options:


" STOCKMAN (VO)
Until I was almost nothing."


" STOCKMAN (VO)
Until I was nearly nothing."


" STOCKMAN (VO)
Until I was reduced to my last -- but most important -- component."


2.) Re: the following:

"STOCKMAN (VO)
But I don’t hold those thugs accountable anymore. I’ve finally realized who truly deserves the blame.  Where all of this really started!  And now I’m going to use my brilliance… my genius…my new body…and get even!"

While "thugs" is certainly appropriate, perhaps a word like "cretins" would sound more Stockman-like.


3.) Re: the following:

"BISHOP
No reason?  Your genetic miscalculations have caused an outbreak in New York that’s turned the city into a cesspool of mutations of nature! "

I think "of nature" is somewhat redundant, and also throws off the rhythm of the line. I would lose it.


4.) Re: the following:

"Stockman turns around to face Bishop and pulls out a vile filled with a bright red liquid compound."

Maybe it is "vile", but it definitely is A "vial".


5.) Re: the following:

"MOMMA
Oh, I wish I could, honey.  But Momma’s gotta work tonight.
WIDE – Little Stockman’s body slumps, disappointed.  Momma crouches to his level.
MOMMA (CONT’D)
Tell you what, though.  I’ll wake you up when I get home and we can play then, okay?"

There's nothing particularly wrong with this, but I do think this scene reinforces the common stereotype that every black mother had to work several jobs to keep bread on the table. I would prefer it if we gave her some other, equally valid reason for going out at night -- maybe she's a member of a book club, or she's going to a political rally, or she's attending night school, or something like that.


6.) Re: the following:

"MICHAELANGELO (OC)
Whoa!  And that train’s gonna get ‘im both! "

Minor point, but it should be "'em" (them), not "'im" (him).


7.) Re: the following:

"INT. DESERT – AREA 51 – DAY
WIDE – Stockman strolls out of Bishop’s base with his arms leisurely behind him and revels in the glorious desert landscape. 
STOCKMAN
Oh, how I’ve missed this.  The sights. The smells!  The tastes!  
CLOSE - Stockman pulls out an ice cream cone.  He savors a lick.  Then, a cool breeze comes through.  A look of pleasant surprise appears on his face.  He looks down to his arm and from his POV we see that his arms have tiny goose-bumps."

Where does Stockman "pull out an ice cream cone" from? He's apparently at Bishop's base in the middle of the desert... do they have an ice cream bar there? Or is this ice cream part of his Shredder hallucination?


8.) Re: the following:

"MOMMA
I’m sorry about all that noise, baby doll.  You’re Daddy’s just in a foul mood tonight.  But I want you to know how proud your Momma is of you.  Getting into the University at just 14 years old! 
Gently, Momma strokes Stockman’s face, relaxing him. 
MOMMA  (CONT’D)
Your Daddy had his reasons for taking that scholarship money…but I’ll find a way to pay your tuition somehow because my baby’s gonna make it.  You can make it!"

I'm not crazy about the stereotype of the abusive black father, either. As the real point of these flash backs is to show that Baxter loved his mother and she loved him, I don't see why these cliches have to be part of this backstory.


9.) Re: the following:

"A calendar with flip pages SUPERIMPOSES itself over the terrified Stockman and begins and flips a few pages to indicate the passing of a few days."

Nothing particularly wrong with this, but it is an old cliche -- would it make more sense to update it with some kind of digital readout or display (perhaps something we see earlier on in Stockman's lab)?


10.) Re: the following:

"CLOSE ON HUN – he’s pointing a hot poker towards the camera.
HUN
Say, “ahhh”…"

I know we've never actually specified HOW Stockman has suffered his various injuries at the hands of Hun and/or the Shredder, this one seems a little weird -- "say "ahhh"" usually means "open your mouth". Why would Hun be sticking a red hot poker in Stockman's mouth? Maybe we don't need Hun to say anything here, or he could just chuckle evilly ("Heh, heh...").


11.) A small digression -- while I was reading this script, it occurred to me that a cool future form for Stockman might be in the body of a super-duper Mouser (kind of poetic justice!).


12.) Re: the following:

"Soon, the images and words come even faster as Stockman gives deranged <MOANS>:
The Mousers at Stockman’s old lab…Hun escorting Stockman from Shredder’s chambers…the Shredder…the Turtles…Bishop…Stockman scurrying as a spider…the Turtles again…Hun again.
SHREDDER (OC)
Failure!
HUN (OC)
Not my fault you screwed up!
TURTLES (OC)
Let’s kick some shell!"

The "Let's kick some shell" line for the Turtles in Stockman's hallucination seems weak and inconsistent with the lines from Hun and Shredder. I think we could find something different, something more personally pointed and insulting (to Stockman).


13.) Re: the following:

"BISHOP
Any sign of him? 
YOUNG AGENT
Well, sir.  A weapons cache has been ransacked. 
Bishop turns to the young agent, his eyes hinting urgent concern.  
YOUNG AGENT
And there’s something else, sir.  One of our Black-Op choppers is missing.  Has he gone AWOL, sir?
Bishop picks up one of the empty syringes.
BISHOP
No.  He’s gone psychotic."

The "Well, sir." from the Young Agent seems stilted -- I would lose it. Also, the "Has he gone AWOL, sir?" question and Bishop's "No.  He’s gone psychotic." lines are a not very successful attempt at snappy dialogue which also doesn't make much sense (even if he has also "gone psychotic", Stockman HAS gone AWOL). I think we could lose them.


14.) Re: the following:

"BISHOP
Where did GPS indicate he was heading? 
YOUNG AGENT
New York City."

Minor point, but it is a little odd that they could tell he's going to NYC specifically -- unless he left a long time ago (long enough for one of those copters to be able to reach a point where it MIGHT be obvious that he is going to NYC). Perhaps the Young Agent could give a heading (in military jargon), and Bishop could nod knowingly and (predicting the likely destination) say "New York City".


15.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
And I hooked up your Game-Box 3000.  Honestly, Mikey, all ya had to do was plug it in!"

Don would say "you", not "ya".


16.) Re: the following:

"RAPHAEL
Yeah, ‘cept for a week.  Ya think it has anything to do with that scratch you got on your leg from those outbreak slime-balls? 
Don looks down at the bandage on his leg.
DONATELLO
Nah, I don’t think--"

Two things here. FIrst, Don would say "No" instead of "Nah". Second, I think that, Don being Don, he might at least admit to the possibility that his illness was related to the scratch... perhaps like this:

"Don looks down at the bandage on his leg.
DONATELLO
No, I don’t think... well... hmmm... maybe..."

17.) Re: the following:

"STOCKMAN 
Ever since I met you everything’s gone wrong!  You ruined my work for the Shredder!  You brought those Turtles into my life!  Because of you my life has gone to pieces!  Well, Ms. O’Neil, now it’s your turn to go to pieces! 
WIDE FROM BEHIND – Stockman is getting close to an empty lot where we can just make out BLACK-OP CHOPPPER on the ground.
STOCKMAN
And when we’re back at my lab, under the knife, you will!"

The phrasing here in the last line is odd (it implies that when they're back at his lab, they'll BOTH be under the knife), "under the knife" is somewhat redundant, and the use of the phrase "gone to pieces" followed shortly in the next line by "go to pieces" is awkward. Here's how I would fix this:


"STOCKMAN 
Ever since I met you everything’s gone wrong!  You ruined my work for the Shredder!  You brought those Turtles into my life!  Because of you my life has been torn apart!  Well, Ms. O’Neil, now it’s your turn to go to pieces! 
WIDE FROM BEHIND – Stockman is getting close to an empty lot where we can just make out BLACK-OP CHOPPPER on the ground.
STOCKMAN
And when we’re back at my lab, you will!"


18.) Re: the following: 

"STOCKMAN’S POV - we see a horde of MOUSERS crawling down the Chopper, then coming from underneath.  They’re everywhere. "

I wonder if it might be fun to include in Stockman's hallucination a weird amalgam of Mouser and Shredder -- could look cool!


19.) Re: the following:

"CLOSE ON APRIL – she’s absolutely confounded.  From her POV we watch STOCKMAN madly swatting away at thin air. 
APRIL (OC)
He really is a psycho."

April's line here seems completely superfluous -- I'd lose it.


20.) Re: the following:

"The Turtles and Casey are standing next to the black-op chopper.
DONATELLO
I don’t get it.  Their trail leads right to this Chopper but they’re not here.  
LEONARDO
Maybe not, but I think we have a lot better chance of catching up with them now.  Donny?  How ‘bout a lift?"

The "I don't get it" line seems particularly thick-headed coming from Don. I mean -- what's not to get? They came to the chopper, and for some reason they left. DUH! Also, Leo's line doesn't seem to follow logically from Don's (the implication of Don's line being that the trail led up to the chopper, and stops dead... and if so, how is it that Leo could think having the chopper would help the Turtles "catch up to" Stockman and April? I mean, in which direction are they supposed to look?). However, we obviously know that there IS a trail AWAY from the chopper -- actually, TWO trails (April's and Stockman's). If we need any line here, maybe it should be as follows:


"The Turtles and Casey are standing next to the black-op chopper.
DONATELLO
Hmmm... Stockman's trail leads right to this Chopper... then two trails lead off in that direction.  
LEONARDO
Meaning April got away from him -- at least for a while. <Looks at chopper> And I think we have a lot better chance of catching up with them now.  Donny?  How about a lift?"


21.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
Right, see if you can find some kinda rope ladder and I’ll try and get this bird low enough to lift her out!  "

Don would say "kind of", not "kinda".


22.) Re: the following:

"INSIDE THE GONDOLA – Leo charges Stockman with his Katana.  Right when he’s in reach, Stockman grabs for him, but Leo slides in between Stockman’s legs. He leaps up on the other side and delivers a kick to the back of his head.  Stockman hardly budges but when he turns around we see that his jaw is slightly askew. 
CLOSE ON LEO – disgusted.
LEONARDO
What the--?!"

After all of the weird stuff that Leo has seen and dealt with, I don't think this bit with Stockman's jaw would elicit more that a disgusted look from Leo. I would lose Leo's line here.


23.) Re: the following:

"Stockman takes out a syringe of the red compound and injects it then charges with his hands clenched over his head.  Stockman’s fists crash down on Leo, dropping him to the floor.  He then kicks him, sending him back and denting the back wall. "

I don't really see the point of Stockman injecting himself with anything here.


24.) Re: the following:

"CASEY (OC) 
Now, April, hurry!
Stockman turns around to see a rope ladder down through the gondola hole and April climbing up it."

Would it be cooler/more exciting/more logical if, instead of just dangling the rope ladder from the helicopter, Casey is actually hanging on it so that he can grab April and help her?


25.) Re: the following:

"STOCKMAN
You have a date with a dissection tray!  But if you’re going to play so hard to get, perhaps we’ll just begin the operation right now!"

Would "dissection table" make more sense than "dissection tray"? Also, I'm not crazy about the "play so hard to get" phrase and its connotations of flirtation/sex, inappropriate in this context. I would change it as follows:


"STOCKMAN
You have a date with a dissection table!  But if you’re going to be so difficult, perhaps we’ll just begin the operation right now!"


26.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
I can’t everything’s off-balance!  I’m gonna have to recalibrate some of the instruments to stabilize her!"

This is bloated. I would change it as follows:


"DONATELLO
I have to recalibrate some of the instruments to stabilize it!"


27.) Re: the following:

"STOCKMAN
Miss me?!
Stockman climbs up and out of the hole again then peels the metal he originally tore off back into place.
STOCKMAN
Sorry about all the interruptions!"

Both of Stockman's lines here sound silly to me -- I'd lose them.


28.) Re: the following:

"As he’s walking Stockman shoots up with some more of his bright red compound and then charges into grapple with Hun."

Again, I don't see the point of Stockman "shooting up".


29.) Re: the following:

"WIDE ON APRIL – she’s just about to grab the ladder when <KREEEEK>.
APRIL
Aw, not again…"

April's line is just filler -- let's lose it.


30.) Re: the following:

"HIGH ANGLE – April and Stockman both just barely hang onto the gondola by way of two door handles.
STOCKMAN
Well, Ms. O’Neil, I guess there’ll be no dissection today!  At least not until I recover you body from the East River! "

Stockman's lines make NO sense to me. 

31.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO (OC)
I gotcha!"

Leo would say "I have you!"


32.) Re: the following:

"MOMMA
You can still make it, baby doll!  Don’t worry about me!  Your daddy didn’t know what he was doing!  Just get out of the house, baby doll.  Go on now! 
CLOSE ON STOCKMAN – he’s overwhelmed with concern.  He’s got to save his mother!
STOCKMAN
Momma?!  No!  I won’t let Daddy hurt you!  I won’t!
WIDE – Stockman grabs April’s arm and using his enhanced strength lifts her up to the rope ladder.  She grabs on.
STOCKMAN
Hang on, Momma!  Hang on!
ON THE TURTLES – they’re bewildered.  
Stockman looks on adoringly at April as she climbs the ladder, followed by Leo, Raph and Mikey.
STOCKMAN
I love you, Momma!  I love you!"

Ugh. Mess of more cliches. And this is disappointingly not very close to the "redemptive moment" that we discussed (using the "This Man, This Monster" Fantastic Four story as our example). In the FF story, the fake Thing made a conscious, sane decision to do one single last unselfish act (perhaps his only one EVER in a wasted life) when he realized Reed Richards was not the asshole that he had always imagined him to be... in fact, he was the total opposite (noble, self-sacrificing, etc.). Here, Baxter is hallucinating, so it doesn't really MEAN anything. It would only mean something if, for some reason, he suddenly came back to reality -- shocked back to it by the similarity of April's words to his mother's? -- and recognized that what he was doing was wrong.

33.) Re: the following:

"EXT. APRIL’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Establishing shot of April’s building.
INT. APRIL’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
WIDE - April, Casey, Leo, Mikey, Raph, are just getting in.  
LEONARDO
Well, here you are, April!  Safe and sound at home!
APRIL
Safe?  Sound?  First Karai stops by.  Then Stockman.  Who’s next, Hun?  The Shredder?!  I swear, I oughta move to a doorman building!
RAPHAEL
Don’t sweat it, April, we’ll stay with you the night if it’ll make you feel better!
Raph is just about to sit on the couch when Mikey jumps on it from behind and stretches out on it.
MICHAELANGELO
I call couch!
RAPHAEL
Mikey!
CLOSE ON APRIL – she’s smiles as we here Don <SNEEZE>."

This seems a bit too casual and "flip" following such an intense and deadly adventure, especially April's lines. And didn't Stockman tear up her apartment when he attacked earlier? There's no mention of any damage in this scene.


-- Pete