Blast from the Past #397: Re: April 15, 2004: 72 second draft and April: 15, 2004 Re: Super Hero turtle designs outstanding

Subj: Re: 72 second draft
Date: Thursday, April 15, 2004 11:13:41 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd, 


The heading of this email -- referring to Ep. 72 -- confused me, but only for a moment.


I read the latest draft of 74, and I really like it. I think it's got the potential to be one of our best episodes yet. In fact, I have only one small problem, and am willing to defer to Stan's opinion -- if he thinks it's okay, then it's fine by me. The problem is the following:

"147. *LEONARDO
(teasingly)
*They DO say clothes make the man, ninja rabbit!  Oh, the shame!"

While I have no problem with Leo teasing Usagi, the way he does it here strikes me as a bit odd. His use of the phrase "clothes make the man" is kind of weird, as NEITHER of them are men. Perhaps I am being overly literal, but it just strikes me as strange. Here's a possible alternative:


"147. *LEONARDO
(teasingly)
*They DO say clothes make the ninja, Usagi!  Oh, the shame!"


But, as I said earlier, if Stan okays it, then let it be done. Good job!


-- Pete

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Subj: Re: FW: Super Hero turtle designs outstanding
Date: Thursday, April 15, 2004 10:00:29 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine


"Hey Pete,

 Maybe your recent computer misadventures are responsible, but can you please confirm that the models listed below are in fact approved (or not)?

 Thanks mucho!

 Lloyd

 PS – Rumor has it that we’re on for the next 13 episodes!!!  We better get crankin’ on a story arc!!!  ;D


 Shellectro
 Graviturtle
 Super Sliver  – revised and resent Monday, 4/5
 Blobboid – revised and resent Monday, 4/5"



Lloyd,


I looked through my pile of faxes and could not find any of the ones mentioned. Could somebody fax them again?


I did get some more today, which I will comment on:


Team Commonpov rider -- approved

Utrominator -- looks nothing like what I was expecting, but I like it! Approved.


Hun and Stockman -- almost there, but I'm not crazy about the angle at which the Stockman part is tilting. I'd like to see it more or less straight up and down. I also had an idea when looking at this design -- I wonder if it would be cool if instead of a simple glass jar on one side, we used a "u"-shaped glass jar which would be about half the height of the one in the current drawing, but which would go around BOTH sides of Hun's head -- almost like a yoke (symbolic!) -- so that Stockman's brain could move from one side to the other to add some animation coolness... and increase the "annoying pest" factor for Hun. I will try to do a sketch and get it off to you shortly. 


Raph with eye patch -- I like about half of this one. If we lose the pants and boots (and is that a t-shirt? if so, let's lose that too), I could approve it. And while I can live with the eye patch, I have to say that I really like to steer clear of this cliche whenever possible, and with that in mind, let me offer a possible alternative: What if we had the traditional TMNT bandana, but over the damaged eye, the eyhole in the bandana is sewn shut (with raggedy stitches)? Might look creepy.


Leo, scarred -- I like this one, but again, no pants, please. Also, how are those glasses going to stay on his head? Are they connected in the back?


Shredder's Presidential Palace -- I think having the Shredder have the title "President" is a bad idea, but the drawing is fine.


April, rebel -- This is okay, though I think she should have a sidearm or a smallish submachine gun (Uzi or Mac-10 type) on a sling. Also, it's curious that there are front and rear views, but the rear looks like regular April!


-- Pete

Blast from the Past #396: notes on Ep. 76 outline

Subj: notes on Ep. 76 outline
Date: Wednesday, April 14, 2004 1:05:21 AM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my notes on the Ep. 76 outline.


        1.) Here I go again! Hopefully my computer won't crash and lose everything that I've already typed twice.
I like the idea of the sonic device which flushes (no pun intended) Splinter and all the rats out of the sewers, but it does raise a possible problem, i.e.: Given how well this thing works, what's to keep Bishop or one of his associates from using it again and again in future episodes? I have a couple of suggestions for how to resolve this:
--have Don figure out -- either in this episode or in future episodes -- how to (a) "soundproof" the lair to keep Splinter safe, or (b) create some tiny earplugs that protect Sensei from this kind of sonic attack, or (c) both.
-- have Bishop or one of his minions mention in passing that this is pretty much -- practically speaking -- a "one time" use device. The reason for this is that because it creates such a disruptive mass "rat panic" and forces legions of rats out of the sewers all at once, repeated uses of it would of necessity bring down some serious investigations of the causes, and perhaps lead to inconvenient revelations about the users.
On a related note, while there is nothing inherently wrong about one large device broadcasting this sonic attack, I wonder if it would be a cooler visual if done like this: Various vans and trucks, disguised as municipal service vehicles, park near/over open manholes and their operators dump hundreds or thousands of small (egg-sized?) devices, which fall into the sewers and are carried hither and yon by the various streams and currents, effectively spreading out in a huge net of "nodes". Each of these devices is a lower power version of the large unit described in the outline, but because they are more widespread they actually have wider coverage.
These things could also be, given Bishop's penchant for and abilities in genetic engineering, bio-tech based units -- and they only operate for a short period of time, then rot and decay away, leaving no evidence. Sneaky!


2.) I like the inclusion of the idea I suggested about the counter-extraterrestrial organization being begun a long time ago -- the Civil War-era soldiers and President Grant bit are perfect.


3.) I'm not clear why the Turtles would think of taking Splinter to April -- why would they think she could help? Doesn't seem to follow logically, and I suspect that Don would be at least as capable as April of coming up with an on-the-spot theory about what might be afflicting their Sensei.
However, I do think it makes sense that they would take Splinter out of the sewers and aboveground... especially if we tweak the effects of this sonic attack a little bit, and have the Turtles themselves be able to hear, very faintly, the noise that is deafening to Splinter. This would allow Don to quickly come up with a theory about what might be happening, and thus lead to the plan to get the hell out of the sewers -- he could even use some kind of sensor gizmo that could show the sound waves propagating through the sewers.


4.) Re: the following:

"NOTE:  LeatherHead and Professor Honeycutt (a.k.a. the Fugitoid), who’s still “living” inside a palm pilot/computer, are both working building something with a little more space and mobility for the Professor (perhaps a hover disk with more memory and controls and abilities to link up to other systems and a round screen for a face).  They are doing this as the turtles arrive on the scene."

I need my memory refreshed -- what happened to the original Fugitoid body? Was it destroyed, or does it still exist somewhere? I can't recall.


5.) If someone could come up with a cool visual idea for how Bishop's subway car can quickly and easily change tracks -- I'm thinking of perhaps some kind of extending-arm system whereby the car's wheels would be on the ends of sturdy folding/telescoping arms which would allow the car to actually elevate itself several feet off the ground (and the tracks) and "crab walk" for short distances so that it could get up off one set of tracks, and "walk" over to another, then set itself down on those tracks, ready to roll again -- it would make me happy, and also add a lot more flexibility into the vehicle.


6.) Re: the following:

"Leonardo:  “Don’t let them seal that door!”


The commandos try to seal the door, but …"

Just so we're totally clear, the door in question is NOT the door of the subway car, but the door to Bishop's secret HQ. Yes?


7.) Re: the following:


"Meanwhile, Bishop is packing up DNA samples and hopes to accelerate Splinter’s “donation” of DNA; poor Splinter lies in unconsciousness having his life drained away."

There seems to be a somewhat strange treatment of science here, with the implication -- apparently -- that Bishop is "draining" Splinter of his DNA. I don't quite see how that could happen, unless he is literally sucking DNA out of Splinter -- which I think would cause severe physical damage -- not just lack of consciousness. Also, DNA -- being a basic part of cells -- can be replicated by culturing those cells. So Bishop wouldn't have to basically take Splinter apart cell by cell to get what he wants -- all he really needs is a substantial sample (which could be a vial of blood).
I think the writer was trying to do something which would work in parallel with the Turtles' struggles, a "ticking clock" which they needed to beat. Here's another idea: Bishop got the sample that he needed from Splinter, enough to perform all his future experiments, and while he has no immediate need for the rest of Splinter, the mutated rat is too interesting a specimen to just trash. So Bishop gives the order to preserve Splinter's body in a thick, clear, quick-hardening plastic -- a unique polymer of his own design, which preserves organic specimens perfectly without decay -- which is slowly flowing into the small chamber in which Splinter is imprisoned. As the clock ticks down and the fight rages, will the Turtles win out and rescue Splinter before he is encased in a solid block of clear plastic like an insect in synthetic amber?
If we used this idea, it might even be handy in the resolution of the battle if the Turtles or the Fugitoid can somehow turn the flow of the sticky polymer against their foes.


8.) Re: the following:

"Bishop finishes his leap … coming down right on Leonardo’s swords, which run Bishop through."

Cool -- but can we get away with it?


9.) Re: the following:

"With the DNA case in hand, Bishop makes it to an escape elevator, which takes him to the street above.  Close on, his wounds from Leonardo’s katana heal … almost vampiric in manner … his blood isn’t even red … it’s a greenish blue … there’s something about Bishop we don’t know yet …"

That's for sure! I hope we can at the appropriate moment bring this all together in a way which makes sense.


10.) Re: the following:

"The figure at the desk is upset … and perhaps a tad nervous.  Bishop has spent too much already.  There are a lot of questions that are being asked!


There’s an uncomfortable silence.  Then …


Bishop:  “You don’t want to get on my bad side, Mr. President.  It wouldn’t be good for your health.”


The President stays calm … “All right, Agent Bishop.  I’m going to ignore that threat because I know your work is important.  What is it that you need?”


Bishop:  “Give everything I ask for and it’s all going to be just fine.”"

While this is a little better than the original, I strongly feel that Bishop's behavior here is way too overt and not anywhere near subtle enough. I suppose we can address this at script stage, to get across the creepiness and menace of Bishop without the President looking like a wimp, or Bishop looking like an overly aggressive idiot.
Part of how we could accomplish this might be to have the President's finger hovering near a hidden "Panic Button" while he is talking with Bishop -- the pressing of which would bring in a whole squad of heavily armed commandoes.


-- Pete

Blast from the Past #395: Apr. 14, 2004: comments on final draft of Ep. 73

Apr. 14, 2004: comments on final draft of Ep. 73

From: Peter Laird

To: Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,

Here are some notes on the final draft of Ep. 73.

1.) Re: the following:

"*FOOT GESTAPO CAPT.

(through loudspeaker)

You are in violation of Curfew.  Throw your weapon behind you and lay face down on the ground …"

I still think "Throw your weapon behind you" sounds weird and stilted, and is inferior to the standard "Drop your weapon".

2.) Re: the following:

"**DONATELLO

We’re going to try again, Mikey.

*ONE ARMED MIKEY

You got a plan?

**DONATELLO

Maybe.  And, we’re going to need Leo and Raph."

I still think Don's last lines here are awkward and I will suggest again changing them as I suggested earlier ("I'm working on it. But... we’re going to need Leo and Raph."). It's not a big deal and the episode won't fall apart with the lines as is, but it bugs me -- the way I read this exchange, Don first says something VERY definitive ("We're going to try again"), then Mikey asks him if he has a plan, and Don replies hesitantly ("Maybe") but then follows that up with another definitive statement ("We're going to need Leo and Raph") that indicates (at least to me) that in fact he DOES have a plan. Even if it's a half-formed plan that doesn't have all the details worked out or all of the participants as yet committed to it, still it IS a plan... and Don shouldn't say, when asked if he has a plan, "maybe".

3.) I don't understand why my suggestion about replacing the second usage of the word "gulag" with "prison" (when April is talking about Casey's fate) was not used. Again, not a big deal, but I think it would help comprehension among younger viewers.

Also, I realize that it is probably way to late to put this into the story, but as I was rereading this section, I thought it would be cool if one of rebel leader April's young helpers/followers is a young (teenage?) boy or girl who turns out to be hers and Casey's child. Maybe the kid could be looking at Don with wonder, and April says something like "For years he's heard stories about you... but he never thought he'd get to meet the famous Donatello..." And maybe Don sees something of Casey and April in the kid, asks April about it, and that's when April tells him that it is hers and Casey's kid, born some time after Don mysteriously disappeared.

4.) The "instant happy" reunion of Raph and Leo with Don is still in there, apparently unchanged. It completely goes against the tone and logic of the story that these two Turtles -- apparently even MORE bitter and disaffected than Mike -- would see Don and immediately give him smiles and hugs. If it is a question of not having enough time to go through another "coming to comprehend the situation and accept Don's presence" thing like we did earlier with one-armed Mikey, it would be simple enough to show them beginning to display their anger at Don for staying away for so long, and then have one-armed Mikey jump in and cut them off with a line like "We don't have time for this! And you guys need to know something about this Don..." Then cut to sometime later -- maybe they're now sitting around a table drinking tea out of Master Splinter's old tea set (snif!) -- either just as or just after Mikey has finished his explanation... perhaps a thoughtful Leo is asking "So... are you "our" Don... somehow moved forward in time... or a completely different Don from another universe?" And as Don helpfully begins to launch into his complicated theory of space/time/dimensions, Raph groans and yells "Enough! As far as I'm concerned, he's gotta be the real Don -- he's makin' my brain hurt just like in the old days."

-- Pete

P.S. I had the pleasure of watching the rough cut of the first "Big Brawl" episodes yesterday -- wicked cool! I think this arc is going to be really neat. I hope Stan has seen it -- young Usagi is a hoot, even if he doesn't say anything. And I love the animation of the Gyogi -- he reminds me of various entities from "Spirited Away".

Blast from the Past #394: Apr. 8, 2004: Re: Ep. 72 (Planet Racers) final draft, notes on Ep.76 outline, and TMNT - Show 74 1st draft

Apr. 8, 2004: Re: Ep. 72 (Planet Racers) final draft

From: Peter Laird

To: Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,

I'm pretty darn happy with the way this one turned out. I just sent it to Jim so he can check it out -- haven't heard from him yet, but I have a feeling he will like it to.

There is one thing I want to push a little more, something I suggested in the last email I sent re: this script. Here's the excerpt in question:

"2.) Before I forget, I had an idea which might be both fun AND maybe give Playmates a cool Turtle variant for the toyline. The idea is this: When Raph takes over as pilot of the #23 bike, Meth wants him to look the part as much as possible. There's no time to make him a real set of leathers in the Team Fitts design, but I'm envisioning some kind of "spray on" costume machine which essentially paints onto Raphael a decent replica of Fitts Racing leathers, complete with his name on the back (which Raph would love).And so as to not have any kind of continuity problem in the following reunion episode, this "spray on gear" is only good for a certain amount of time, after which it naturally degrades and sheds itself... which could happen near the end of the last race, or just after it, and before Raph vanishes."

I really think this would be a cool thing to do, and I have yet another suggestion for how it could be done economically and  unobtrusively. Somewhere -- I'd suggest around liine 75, when the Planet Racers are just about to begin the race on the ice world -- Raph and Falcon could have this brief exchange:

RAPHAEL (plucking at/touching the racing "suit" painted onto him, regarding it admiringly)

Hey, this spray-on temporary racin' gear is SWEET! Lookin' good!

FALCON

Well, don't get too attached to it -- in a couple of days, it'll flake right off!

Those two lines would be, I think, plenty to get across the idea.

Plus -- it occurred to me that it would be really cool and fun if the suit didn't disappear until AFTER Raph has been summoned to the BattleNexus and joined the fray with his brothers. My reason for thinking it would be cool and fun is simply this -- when the fight's over, the racing suit would be Raph's "souvenir" of his adventure with Godman and Methania, something the other guys could remark on and he can comment on (briefly, of course) before the suit deteriorates and flakes/shreds off.

-- Pete

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Apr. 8, 2004: notes on Ep.76 outline

From: Peter Laird

To: Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,

Here are my notes on the Ep. 76 outline.

       1.) Here I go again! Hopefully my computer won't crash and lose everything that I've already typed twice.

I like the idea of the sonic device which flushes (no pun intended) Splinter and all the rats out of the sewers, but it does raise a possible problem, i.e.: Given how well this thing works, what's to keep Bishop or one of his associates from using it again and again in future episodes? I have a couple of suggestions for how to resolve this:

--have Don figure out -- either in this episode or in future episodes -- how to (a) "soundproof" the lair to keep Splinter safe, or (b) create some tiny earplugs that protect Sensei from this kind of sonic attack, or (c) both.

-- have Bishop or one of his minions mention in passing that this is pretty much -- practically speaking -- a "one time" use device. The reason for this is that because it creates such a disruptive mass "rat panic" and forces legions of rats out of the sewers all at once, repeated uses of it would of necessity bring down some serious investigations of the causes, and perhaps lead to inconvenient revelations about the users.

On a related note, while there is nothing inherently wrong about one large device broadcasting this sonic attack, I wonder if it would be a cooler visual if done like this: Various vans and trucks, disguised as municipal service vehicles, park near/over open manholes and their operators dump hundreds or thousands of small (egg-sized?) devices, which fall into the sewers and are carried hither and yon by the various streams and currents, effectively spreading out in a huge net of "nodes". Each of these devices is a lower power version of the large unit described in the outline, but because they are more widespread they actually have wider coverage.

These things could also be, given Bishop's penchant for and abilities in genetic engineering, bio-tech based units -- and they only operate for a short period of time, then rot and decay away, leaving no evidence. Sneaky!

2.) I like the inclusion of the idea I suggested about the counter-extraterrestrial organization being begun a long time ago -- the Civil War-era soldiers and President Grant bit are perfect.

3.) I'm not clear why the Turtles would think of taking Splinter to April -- why would they think she could help? Doesn't seem to follow logically, and I suspect that Don would be at least as capable as April of coming up with an on-the-spot theory about what might be afflicting their Sensei.

However, I do think it makes sense that they would take Splinter out of the sewers and aboveground... especially if we tweak the effects of this sonic attack a little bit, and have the Turtles themselves be able to hear, very faintly, the noise that is deafening to Splinter. This would allow Don to quickly come up with a theory about what might be happening, and thus lead to the plan to get the hell out of the sewers -- he could even use some kind of sensor gizmo that could show the sound waves propagating through the sewers.

4.) Re: the following:

"NOTE:  LeatherHead and Professor Honeycutt (a.k.a. the Fugitoid), who’s still “living” inside a palm pilot/computer, are both working building something with a little more space and mobility for the Professor (perhaps a hover disk with more memory and controls and abilities to link up to other systems and a round screen for a face).  They are doing this as the turtles arrive on the scene."

I need my memory refreshed -- what happened to the original Fugitoid body? Was it destroyed, or does it still exist somewhere? I can't recall.

5.) If someone could come up with a cool visual idea for how Bishop's subway car can quickly and easily change tracks -- I'm thinking of perhaps some kind of extending-arm system whereby the car's wheels would be on the ends of sturdy folding/telescoping arms which would allow the car to actually elevate itself several feet off the ground (and the tracks) and "crab walk" for short distances so that it could get up off one set of tracks, and "walk" over to another, then set itself down on those tracks, ready to roll again -- it would make me happy, and also add a lot more flexibility into the vehicle.

6.) Re: the following:

"Leonardo:  “Don’t let them seal that door!”

The commandos try to seal the door, but …"

Just so we're totally clear, the door in question is NOT the door of the subway car, but the door to Bishop's secret HQ. Yes?

7.) Re: the following:

"Meanwhile, Bishop is packing up DNA samples and hopes to accelerate Splinter’s “donation” of DNA; poor Splinter lies in unconsciousness having his life drained away."

There seems to be a somewhat strange treatment of science here, with the implication -- apparently -- that Bishop is "draining" Splinter of his DNA. I don't quite see how that could happen, unless he is literally sucking DNA out of Splinter -- which I think would cause severe physical damage -- not just lack of consciousness. Also, DNA -- being a basic part of cells -- can be replicated by culturing those cells. So Bishop wouldn't have to basically take Splinter apart cell by cell to get what he wants -- all he really needs is a substantial sample (which could be a vial of blood).

I think the writer was trying to do something which would work in parallel with the Turtles' struggles, a "ticking clock" which they needed to beat. Here's another idea: Bishop got the sample that he needed from Splinter, enough to perform all his future experiments, and while he has no immediate need for the rest of Splinter, the mutated rat is too interesting a specimen to just trash. So Bishop gives the order to preserve Splinter's body in a thick, clear, quick-hardening plastic -- a unique polymer of his own design, which preserves organic specimens perfectly without decay -- which is slowly flowing into the small chamber in which Splinter is imprisoned. As the clock ticks down and the fight rages, will the Turtles win out and rescue Splinter before he is encased in a solid block of clear plastic like an insect in synthetic amber?

If we used this idea, it might even be handy in the resolution of the battle if the Turtles or the Fugitoid can somehow turn the flow of the sticky polymer against their foes.

8.) Re: the following:

"Bishop finishes his leap … coming down right on Leonardo’s swords, which run Bishop through."

Cool -- but can we get away with it?

9.) Re: the following:

"With the DNA case in hand, Bishop makes it to an escape elevator, which takes him to the street above.  Close on, his wounds from Leonardo’s katana heal … almost vampiric in manner … his blood isn’t even red … it’s a greenish blue … there’s something about Bishop we don’t know yet …"

That's for sure! I hope we can at the appropriate moment bring this all together in a way which makes sense.

10.) Re: the following:

"The figure at the desk is upset … and perhaps a tad nervous.  Bishop has spent too much already.  There are a lot of questions that are being asked!

There’s an uncomfortable silence.  Then …

Bishop:  “You don’t want to get on my bad side, Mr. President.  It wouldn’t be good for your health.”

The President stays calm … “All right, Agent Bishop.  I’m going to ignore that threat because I know your work is important.  What is it that you need?”

Bishop:  “Give everything I ask for and it’s all going to be just fine.”"

While this is a little better than the original, I strongly feel that Bishop's behavior here is way too overt and not anywhere near subtle enough. I suppose we can address this at script stage, to get across the creepiness and menace of Bishop without the President looking like a wimp, or Bishop looking like an overly aggressive idiot.

Part of how we could accomplish this might be to have the President's finger hovering near a hidden "Panic Button" while he is talking with Bishop -- the pressing of which would bring in a whole squad of heavily armed commandos.

-- Pete

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Apr. 8, 2004: Re: TMNT - Show 74 1st draft

From: Peter Laird

To: Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,

comments on EP. 74 first draft

This one is looking good! Please bear in mind that regardless of any comments I make here, I defer to Stan Sakai in the matter of whether or not the UY characters are IN character, in actions and dialogue.

1.) Re: the following:

"CLOSE ON LEONARDO and USAGI, looking out over the view.  They both know what their up against, and it isn’t pretty."

"Their" should be "they're".

2.) Re: the following:

"43. LEONARDO

Are you alright?  You came out of nowhere and-"

"Alright"should be "All right".

3.) Re: the following:

"44. TOMOE AME

Ninja SCUM!

45. LEONARDO

(shocked)

You’re… a CAT?

CLOSE ON - Tomoe Ame, now on her feet, both hands tightly gripping her sword as she glares at Leo.

46. TOMOE AME

You won’t have him!  I don’t care how many ninja clans come!

47. LEONARDO

Wait… are you a mutant, too?"

I'm not sure if it really works to have Leo doing the "You're an ANIMAL?" thing here. He's already (in "Big Brawl") met Usagi and Gen, so anthropomorphic animals should be no big deal. (This comment also applies to this line later on: 

56. LEONARDO

(surprised)

It’s a panda!?!")

I think it would work better if we use this time for him to try to convince Tomoe Ame that he means no harm, to try to forestall a battle with her.

4.) Re: the following:

"CLOSE ON LEO – as he ducks, Tomoe’s blade cutting the air where his head WAS.  His head pops back up into frame as he pleads with her."

Hmmm... I need some reassurance that this won't somehow end up animated in a way which shows or implies that Leo has ducked his head into his shell.

5.) Re: the following:

"51. LEONARDO (CONT’D)

I am not your enemy!  At least… I don’t think I am!  Let’s just talk about this!  Seriously!

ON LEO – still on the defensive, blocking Tomoe’s attacks.

52. TOMOE AME

Ninja TRICKS!"

I wonder if it would be better if instead of "Ninja tricks!", she says "Ninja deceit!"

6.) Re: the following:

"58. LEONARDO

Wait… is this JAPAN?  You don’t by any chance know a samurai named-"

This line raises an interesting issue. Stan's UY characters live in what is clearly an analog of feudal Japan, but Leo -- who comes from our world with the "real" Japan -- would know right away (or at least shortly) that given the fact that this world he finds himself in is populated by a variety of anthropomorphic animal characters, he is NOT in Japan (at least his world's Japan). SO... I think we could lose that first line ("Wait... is this JAPAN?"), and either just have the second line, or replace the first line with something different that indicates his dawning comprehension that while this is not the "real" Japan of his world, he is beginning to suspect that this is where his friend Usagi comes from.

7.) Re: the following:

"TOMOE swipes out with her katana, which one mole ninja blocks with its claws, but the mole is knocked over by the force of the blow."

I know that in a previous line the moles' claws are referred to as "hard as steel", but... given that this is a katana we are talking about, would it make more sense if the moles had some kind of ninja tool thing on their claws, or hands, that was LITERALLY made out of steel? I'm just thinking that it might seem weird that these mole claws could deflect the super-sharp blade of a katana.

8.) Re: the following:

"65. USAGI

There’s only one swordsman who fights with such honor… and always against such terrible odds.  Welcome to my world, Leonardo-san."

It's really nice of Usagi to say that about Leo... but is it really true? What about Usagi himself? Doesn't he fight with at least as much honor as Leo? I have to say the line sounds a WEE bit too gushy. I think either some other line would be appropriate -- maybe some kind of pleased surprise from Usagi that Leo has popped up out of nowhere -- or just lose it entirely.

9.) Re: the following:

"66. LEONARDO

Usagi!  So this IS Japan… sort of.  I wonder why-  the panda!"

As noted earlier, I think Leo should say "So this IS your world" instead of the bit about Japan. Also, instead of "the panda", I would prefer that he say "the child".

10.) Re: the following:

"Leo looks to his feet, bowing his head as well.

69. LEONARDO

I… am sorry, Lord… Noriyuki.  The moles, they took her down into the tunnels.  I tried, but…"

I have no problem with Leo bowing to Noriyuki, but I thought it would work better if before this line he has a brief "Oh...!" moment where he -- somewhat belatedly -- picks up on Usagi's gesture of respect for the prince, and follows suit. Only because in Leo's world, the only person he bows to on a regular basis is Master Splinter.

11.) Re: the following:

"79. LEONARDO

…and then I woke up in that valley.  Next thing I knew, I was fighting alongside a sword carrying cat against ninja moles."

Again, I think the animal references are too much -- I would just have him say:

"79. LEONARDO

…and then I woke up in that valley.  Next thing I knew, I was fighting alongside Tomoe against those Mogura Ninja."

12.) Re: the following:

"118. GEN

Wait – you’re joking!  I can’t-

Usagi pushes Gen off the cliff, as four ARROWS <THOK!> into the cliff path where he was.  Usagi leaps off after him.  

119. GEN (O.C., CONT’D)

(falling)

-swwiiiiiiiiiimmmmmm!!!"

I know that the "I can't swim!" is the classic line in this situation from a character whose ONLY choice is to dive into some body of water to escape a threat, but I think we should pose the question to Stan -- can Gen swim? And do you feel the answer to that question is important enough to change his lines here? For example, he could say he hates cold baths or hates high dives, etc..

13.) Re: the following:

"138. LEONARDO

I’m glad I’m not allergic to cats."

Another animal reference, which I think we should lose. Maybe instead Leo can make a "Phew!" gesture or comment and say something like "Don't these Neko Ninja ever do laundry?"

14.) Re: the following:

"139. USAGI

Hrm.  I feel cloaked in dishonor… Let us speak of this to no one.

140. LEONARDO

Oh, there’s no going back now, ‘Teenage Mutant Ninja Rabbit!’

Leo moves forward.  Frowning, Usagi follows.

141. USAGI

Leonardo-san… I hope you have a back up plan.  And I am NO teenager!"

Hmmm... Leo's "Teenage Mutant Ninja Rabbit" comment is KIND of funny, but not a whole lot. I could see him saying "Ninja Rabbit" -- but why add the "Teenage Mutant" bit? I would lose it.

15.) Re: the following:

"158. USAGI

I am no NINJA!  I am a SAMURAI!"

Would this read/sound better if we lost the "a", so it went like this:

"158. USAGI

I am no NINJA!  I am SAMURAI!"

16.) Re: the following:

"160. USAGI

Your lord is safe, Tomoe Ame.  Please, hurry – we have little time.

Grabbing her hand, Usagi leads her out into the corridor… only to find them surrounded by DOZENS of Hebi’s SOLDIERS.

161. TOMOE AME

Usagi…

CLOSE ON USAGI’S GLARE.

WIDE – the SOLDIERS escort Usagi and Tomoe down the corridor, away from the cells.  CAMERA DRIFTS UP to the ceiling – in the shadows above, LEO’s EYES open in the blackness, watching."

Because Usagi has demonstrated his ability to handle groups of armed foes quite successfully in the comics, this seems a little weird to me without some kind of explanation of WHY he would surrender so quickly and without a fight. Perhaps it is because Tomoe is unarmed and at the guards' mercy? I don't know, but I would prefer SOMETHING.

17.) Re: the following:

"168. LEONARDO

It’s creatures like YOU that give us HONORABLE reptiles a bad name!"

I suggest changing the word "creatures" to "guys".

18.) Re: the following:

"ON USAGI and GEN, who simultaneously SLAM their heads back, knocking the already surprised guards back.  Usagi grabs one of his swords from the downed guard, cutting through Tomoe Ame’s bonds." 

Aren't Usagi's hands still tied together at this point? Maybe Leo could give Usagi's bonds a quick slash to free him.

 -- Pete

Blast from the Past #393: Apr. 6, 2004: Re: TMNT - 73 "Same As It Never Was" 1st draft

Apr. 6, 2004: Re: TMNT - 73 "Same As It Never Was" 1st draft

From: Peter Laird

To: Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,

Here are my comments on Ep. 73 first draft.

1.) Re: the following:

"REVERSE/REVEAL – This is Master Splinter’s tombstone: tall, rectangular, Japanese in nature, with the Kanji for his name and a small picture of Splinter crudely and hurriedly etched into the wood of the shamble of a grave marker (obviously erected rapidly and under duress).  And, his walking stick leans forlornly against the tombstone never to be used again."

I think that the use of Kanji is a cool idea, but -- because most of our viewers are English reading (I think), and it makes sense anyway that one of the Turtles would use English in making this grave marker -- I think we should ALSO have the word "Splinter" on the grave marker, in English. I question also the idea of "a small picture of Splinter crudely and hurriedly etched into the wood" -- unless this is done VERY cleverly, it could look really goofy.

2.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO leaps to his feet looking around in surprise as …

17. DONATELLO

It can’t be.  It is!"

Don's lines here seem kind of silly.

3.) Re: the following:

"A little freaked out, Donatello presses the button for the elevator … it doesn’t work.

Donatello <PRIES> open the doors to the elevator to reveal that it is halfway down the shaft at the door tilted slightly, bent and clearly inoperable.

DONATELLO looks at this and is still confused …"

I'm confused too. This is the "alien" elevator we're talking about -- the one that the people from the Underground built? From this description, it sounds more like a traditional elevator. Maybe there shouldn't be an elevator in this dimension.

4.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO is still confused.

44. DONATELLO

None of this makes any sense.

EXT. WAREHOUSE ABOVE TURTLES’ LAIR – FUTURE – NIGHT – CONT’D

Donatello comes outside through a jagged, charred-edged hole in the wall (from an explosion long ago) and looks around … he squints his eyes as if he’s not believing what he’s seeing … we hear the <O.C. APPROACHING SIRENS> of police cars and the approaching <O.C. ROTORS> of a police helicopter …

45. DONATELLO (CONT’D)

What’s going on?!  Where am I?!"

While I would not expect Don to fully understand exactly what is going on here, I think that he would by this time -- given the evidence he's seen so far -- be formulating some kind of theory in his head, being the bright boy he is, and especially because early in the script we have him discussing other dimensions and time travel with April. Plus, of course, the fact that Ultimate Drako had just attacked them with the Time Scepter.

I'd suggest that he says something to himself about the grim hypothesis he is forming, and how he doesn't like the implications of it, etc..

5.) Re: the following:

"WIDEN TO REVEAL - The police are all FOOT GESTAPO with long black leather coats, belts and black boots with their Foot Mask and all emblazoned with the Foot insignia."

I'll reserve judgment on this concept until I see the designs for it. This could look REALLY silly, unless handled carefully.

6.) Re: the following:

"46. FOOT GESTAPO CAPT.

(through loudspeaker)

You are violation of Foot Curfew.  "

There seems to be an "in" missing between "are" and "violation". Also, do we really need to say "Foot Curfew"? It sounds a bit silly, and it's already obvious that whatever curfew there is, it's a Foot Curfew. I would just say "curfew".

7.) Re: the following:

"HALF IN SHADOW – One Armed Mikey stops and looks wary … and weary.

51. ONE ARMED MIKEY

Are you going to fight me now?  You might as well.  It couldn’t be any worse than anything else."

These lines from Mike strike me as strange. In the ensuing dialogue between Mike and Don, we discover that "all these years" ago Don disappeared and was never heard from again. Now, if I understand what just happened, Mike somehow came upon Don being stopped by the Foot "Gestapo", and decided to help him out. What went through his mind at that point? Here is his long-lost brother Don, suddenly reappearing and seemingly none the worse for wear. What does Mike think about this? I would suspect that he would be simultaneously pissed, glad, and want to get some answers from his brother. I also don't think he would run away from him as described in this "rooftop chase" scene -- maybe lead him away to a safe place, yes, but not actually try to get away from him.

8.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO is distraught with anxiety and frustration!

63. DONATELLO

I didn’t!  I got zapped … we all did … and I woke up here … or in the lair … or at least what used to be the lair.  So, I haven’t been gone … I mean … to me … I’ve only been gone a split second.  I would never leave you guys.  Never!  Don’t you believe me, Mikey?!"

One Armed Mikey eyes Donatello growing a bit more sympathetic …

64. ONE ARMED MIKEY

You don’t look older … maybe … maybe you’re telling some kind of truth …"

I don't think Don would say he's only been gone a "split second" -- obviously, he has already spent several minutes in this strange world.

Also, this would be a good opportunity for Mikey to say -- as he is starting to realize that there is something different about this Don, and his anger is softening -- something like "So... the Turtle with the big brain finally doesn't have all the answers. Who'da thunk it?"

9.) Re: the following:

"65. ONE ARMED MIKEY (CONT’D)

Come on, we’d better get off the rooftops.  The Exterminators mostly come at night … mostly.

One Armed Mikey leads Donatello off the roof …

66. DONATELLO

Exterminators?

PAN UP TO – HIGH IN THE NIGHT SKY – THREE EXTERMINATORS patrol (a mutant flying mix of machine & enslaved/cyborg/Borg Utroms).

67. ONE ARMED MIKEY (O.C.)

The Exterminators used to be Utroms.  The Shredder conquered them, blew up the Utrom homeworld, wiping out most of them.  He brought the rest back here to be his mindless slaves."

I know we don't need to go too deeply into the backstory here, but it would help me to get a better idea of it. Did the Don in this world leave his brothers BEFORE everything went to hell and the Shredder conquered the Utroms... or AFTER? I ask this because it affects how Mike describes to our Don what is going on in this world. For example, he describes the Exterminators as if Don had never heard of them. Would it be better if, from this Mike's perspective, Don SHOULD know about them... and Don's lack of knowledge adds to Mike's sense that this is a different Don? And if so, wouldn't it be better to say something about that? What I'm suggesting is that when Don says "Exterminators?", Mike gives him a look and says something like "Geez, don't you remember ANYTHING?..." then goes on to give his description.

On a separate note, I have to say I'm not a big fan of the "blowing up the planet" thing -- it just seems to get used too much. And it really isn't necessary here -- the Shredder could have conquered his Utrom adversaries on Earth, before they could complete their transmat, and enslaved every Utrom on Earth. No need to involve their home planet... or maybe that could be worked into this story as some kind of jeopardy -- that the Shredder has plans, almost come to fruition, to use the Transmat (finally completed under his control by his Utrom -- and human -- slaves) to then vanquish the Utrom homeworld. This could add even more urgency to the whole "gotta beat the Shredder" theme in this tale.

Also, if we could come up with a new, cooler name than "Exterminators", that would be a good thing. Not that "Exterminators" is a bad name -- it just seems a little overused in sci-fi. (Here are a few -- not necessarily great, but off the top of my head: "Utrominators", "UtroDemons", "Legions of Mortu")

10.) Re: the following:

"69. SHREDDER (O.C./SILHOUETTE)

You may speak, Princess Karai."

"Princess"? Sounds silly.

11.) Re: the following:

"70. KARAI

It is the turtles, my lord.  Donatello has been spotted in a skirmish near their old lair."

I'd prefer this wording:

"It is the turtle Donatello, my lord. He has been spotted in a skirmish near the Turtles' old lair."

12.) Re: the following:

"An Exterminator high overhead gets a reading on one of his scans as a light <FLASHES> and <BLINKS>.  His drooling Utrom face (plied and inter-spliced in cyborg fashion with metal-based technology; it should be pretty scary with nuts and bolts in Utrom flesh and a long, jagged scar where metal is sewn to Utrom flesh, etc.) REACTS…"

Again, I'll reserve judgment until I see the designs, but I'm a little concerned that the description of the Exterminator is a little over-the-top in a crude way.

13.) Re: the following:

"SLIGHT UP ANGLE ON – DONATELLO stumbles forward and falls to his knees as we PULL OUT enough to include the wooden tombstone in FOREGROUND before Donatello.

93. DONATELLO 

You mean, because I wasn’t here … because I was gone … !?

DONATELLO hangs his head and beats his fists on the ground before the wooden tombstone.

94. DONATELLO (CONT’D)

This is all my fault!  All my fault!"

Why does he say it's all his fault? What has he learned so far that would indicate such a thing? Doesn't make any sense to me.

14.) Re: the following:

"STRAIGHT ON - Donatello is blank with overwhelming emotion.

99. ONE ARMED MIKEY (CONT’D)

He always hoped you’d come back.  He said you would.

100. DONATELLO

(at a loss)

I’m sorry … I’m so sorry …"

This is very odd -- I can see that Don would be saddened by Mike's story about the death of Splinter, but why is Don taking responsibility for it? Remember, it's THIS universe's Don who split... and we don't even know what part that played in Splinter's demise.

This is actually something that is bothersome - the fact that the Turtles of this dystopian universe seem to think that our Don is THEIR Don... and our Don seems to not really do anything to disabuse them of that notion. It's very odd.

15.) I'm not quite sure WHAT I think of the bizarre Stockman/Hun combo. Depending on how it is treated, it could be cool or terminally goofy.

16.) Re: the following:

"155. ONE ARMED MIKEY

We’re gonna need a bigger exo-suit."

I think we're gonna need a better line. This cliche was REALLY fun (and totally appropriate given his character) when Roy Scheider said it in the first JAWS movie, but it has NOT worn well since then.

17.) Re: the following:

"REBEL APRIL leaps out of the turtle tunneler; she bears a large laser shotgun, which she cocks <SH-SHICK> and fires <VAROOM> … cocks <SH-SHICK> … fires <VAROOM> …"

I can't tell if the writer is being slyly sarcastic here with the notion of a "cocking" "laser shotgun" (!!!???!!!), but can we get rid of it, please? I know this substitution of lasers or blasters for real projectile guns is the way we get these scenes past BS&P, but this one makes my brain hurt. Let's just give her a non-cocking laser gun. I don't care that it looks sort of like a shotgun -- just that is does not cock like a shotgun.

18.) The Hun/Stockman/Mega Shredder scene makes absolutely no sense to me. It is, as Stockman says, "insane".

19.) The battle between Mega Shredder and Donatello in his Exo-Suit could be very cool, but its resolution as written here is unsatisfying and not terribly logical. For example, why doesn't the Mega Shredder try to move away when ExoSuit Don deploys his "coring blade"? I mean, he's only grabbed the armless ExoSuit and is holding it -- why doesn't he push it away and let go of it, instead of reacting "in terror" and just standing there so ExoSuit Don can cut into him?

Also, Don was just blazing away at Mega Shredder with these powerful guns and didn't damage him -- why, then, are we supposed to believe that this "coring blade" is going to do any better?

It's not that I don't like the basic setup -- I do! -- but I think it needs tweaking. My suggestions:

-- Have something built into the ExoSuit -- like powerful electromagnets or some kind of instant-acting super adhesive -- which will prevent (at least for those key seconds) the Mega Shredder from pushing off from the armless ExoSuit. He should be essentially trapped momentarily like a fly on flypaper.

-- Instead of a blade which can cut into this previously seemingly indestructible Mega Shredder armor, let's have the Shredder Utrom display his arrogance and overweening confidence by actually opening up his protective bubble and thus rendering himself vulnerable to a hidden grapple device on Don's ExoSuit which will shoot out and GRAB him. The Shredder Utrom can even say something about wanting to "smell Don's fear" as he is crushed completely (his reason for exposing himself).

20.) Re: the following:

"187. DONATELLO

And, may flights of angels sing them to their rest."

This is a sweet line (from Shakespeare, right?), but sounds totally inappropriate coming from Don here.

21.) Re: the following:

"189. REBEL APRIL

Donatello, remember!  This doesn’t have to be.  None of it.   The future isn’t set.  I know it.  If you can, change it.  Change the past …

But, Donatello is gone …

190. REBEL APRIL

(quietly to herself)

… before it’s too late."

Just so we're clear, this is NOT our Turtles' future -- but the future of some Turtles in a parallel dimension. I think it would be better if April were to say something hopeful about the future of HER world now that the Shredder has been defeated.

-- Pete